AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

Life goes on, they aren't your family. Be respectful but don't cancel, and I do t think you should have to stay in doors. This is not the Victorian era. Take some flowers and a card, if you'd have done that anyway.

Don't cancel.

But do be respectful and ensure the kids keep the noise down.

Remind the kids next door are going to be struggling and very sad, and you will have to bring them indoors if they can't keep the noise to a minimum.

I would take some flowers and a card. Maybe some birthday cake. And let them know the kids are in the garden for the party and to let you know if any noise bothers her atall.

Knock with a card but not cake, not in this situation.

Cake is so that when friends come in to offer condolences, your neighbour has something to offer with tea without having to arrange it.

Is your husband a victorian gentleman? Whilst it's kind to consider other people's feelings you're hardly being disrespectful. It's probable your neighbour might not even be in the house. As long as you don't have a bunch of drunk/shrieking kids in the garden or throwing up outside I can't see a problem.
Go ahead with the party and when you're moaning tomorrow when clearing up and your OH is saying "How much?!" just remind yourself that the time we have with loved ones is precious and can change in the blink of an eye.

Having now read the rest of the thread: there really is no such thing as society any more, is there?

No-one will be expecting the neighbour to be offering cake when her husband died just a few hours ago.🙄

I wouldn't let the neighbour know tbh
I don't think it's respectful but I understand you can't let the 13yr old down. Or move it Indoors. I don't know if I'd allow loud party music in the garden.

But as a pp said: will she even be there?

Move the sleepover bit inside, 9 13 year old girls are never going to be quiet. They want to be out there so you won’t overhear them! I don’t think it’s particularly reasonable at the best of times to have a load of noisy teens all night in the green when it’s summer and people have their windows open!

That doesn't mean she wouldn't like to? I'd certainly be grateful to have something to offer anyone coming over to pay their respects.

no keep the party and just tell the girls to keep the noise down

A gaggle of 13 year old girls partying all night in the garden isn’t quite analogous to the bucolic innocent chatter of ‘children playing’ - I loved teenage parties but I doubt the neighbours did.

I wouldn’t cancel but I do think it isn’t The best to have it in the garden- there’s no way they can keep it that quiet (sorry!!)

This is exactly what you need to do.
I was widowed without warning, and even though my world crashed around me for a while, I always knew that life carries on for the living. I’d have felt appalled if people I only knew tangentially cancelled their plans because of my loss.

Oh for goodness' sake. Enough with the melodrama

Cake was definitely welcomed when my husband died.
Useful to tempt the appetite after shock and to offer to people calling with their condolences.

Not at all. I see it every day here. Encompassing disregard and disdain of older people, and the placing on a pedestal of children. And a huge lack of empathy for basically everyone.

This thread is quite eye opening in just how little some people care about the others around them.

No I wouldn't be hosting a noisy party in the garden on the same day the neighbour died. The same day as the death is different i think to even a couple of days later, she's likely not even processed the loss at all yet.

I'd bring them inside or postpone until next weekend. Best will in the world a group of 13 year olds are not going to be quiet and it would probably ruin the party anyway for them to be constantly shushed.

OP - I’d speak to neighbour and let her know there will be some kids in the garden, but you’ll make sure they are quiet and no noise after 11pm.

just let her know that she can call you if she has any issues, but you’ll make sure they’re quiet.

she’ll be touched you’ve thought about her feelings and it gives her a chance to say something if it’s a problem.

Your DH is making assumptions about how she is feeling. She’s very likely not bothered about kids playing outside. the best thing to do is always to ask the person what’s best for them.

I wouldn't cancel. Honestly, I don't know half my neighbours names and wouldn't know if anyone was in mourning. Life goes on. It's summer, everyone will be outside having garden parties and BBQs.

You really are being melodramatic.

Going ahead with a pre-planned event doesn't mean you don't care or that you lack empathy

Wow! Looking at these responses I can see why society is such a mess. I'd rearrange or make other arrangements away from the house.

I wouldn't cancel the party, that would be unfair to your daughter but I would certainly make them aware of the situation and remind them to be extra careful and considerate of the noise they make. With your neighbour, you are obviously close enough that she kept you up to date on the news of her husband and I think you should stop over anyway to pay your condolences and respect. Just explain that you know it's not the best of timings to having a celebration and you will ask the girls to keep the noise down. I'm sure that she won't mind but appreciate you giving her a heads up. I think it would be kind to check up on her in a few days and see if she needs a hand with anything or just to sit with a cup of tea when her sister has gone back home.

Oh, don't be daft.

Someone going ahead with a pre-planned event doesn't mean society is a mess.

I had a baby shower on the day of my neighbours funeral (well they lived directly opposite) the only issue really for them was that they had to walk a little up the road to the funeral cars as my guests had parked along the road and took a lot of the space. As a mark of respect, when they were leaving all the guests at my party went out the front to wave them off. I think it helped them that we provided a visual reminder that life still goes on. My baby shower was over by the time they got back to the house where they had the after party and they were partying themselves long after my guests were! Keep the party OP. Your daughter only gets to turn 13 once. My baby only got once chance of a shower. I was due 3 weeks later. Life goes on 💐

So many people have stated life does go on. And of course it does. However, perhaps I am an unfeeling and cruel human being, but I think as this is the first night the bereaved neighbour has tried to sleep after her husband's death, I would not be "comforted" (as some have said) by the sounds of a teenage party in the garden next door. It is far, far too early for the neighbour to come to the realisation of life goes on for others, because probably tonight the neighbour most likely does not even want life to go on....

Many years ago I lost a baby in horrible circumstances. Because of a bed shortage in the hospital, I was placed overnight in the maternity ward. Somehow the sound of other babies, and life going on, did not comfort me one bit.

I have been quite shocked what I perceive to be the callousness of others - but the OP and her husband, and hopefully her daughter, are not amongst them.