AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

No-one is suggesting "life grinds to a halt", just having some consideration for a woman whose husband died just a few hours earlier.

I don't think you need to cancel but I do think you should ask the girls to keep the noise down in the garden, as noise outdoors does carry. However I assume you would do that anyway.
Also I think it would be polite to let her know about the outdoors party.w

On the actual day of the death, wouldn't you expect the neighbours to feel a bit sad themselves? When DH died none of our friends and neighbours "went into mourning" but most were shocked and sad, adjusted their normal lives for a few days.

Don't cancel OP.

Honestly life goes on and I'm sure she would rather see kids having fun than a horrible silence hanging over everything.

A group of teenage girls are not going to be quiet anywhere near 10pm. Most likely at least 2am. I would say let them stay in the garden until 10 then come back inside.

Half the people who wouldn't modify any behaviour are the same people who moan when someone else's unmodified behaviour has an effect on them.

Keep the party.
When you lose a loved on nothing much can make you feel worse.

@NeedToChangeName no. But losing a life partner happens. It’s very sad. The neighbour I’m sure wouldn’t expect people to rearrange their lives to accommodate her

OP has said they live in a detached house so there must be a bit of space between them - has anyone here ever lived in a flat as you don't get much control over what goes on in a block of 6. I think it depends on the relationship you had with them - this and other post tends to assume how others experience grief and how they will look if they don't recognise that properly - it's harsh to say but what is a massive change to one person will mean little to another and while empathy is important the person who are you trying to accommodate may be worse 6 months down the line and you'd probably feel less sympathetic then. Explain to your DD the need to be respectful and control things they might cause a nuisance but I just wouldn't cancel

As brutal as it sounds, people die everyday.

I mean, how far do you expect people to extend "consideration and empathy"? Does the entire street have to cancel their plans? Is it okay for a neighbour five doors away to carry on but not one three doors away? What about the next road over if their gardens back on to each other?

Personally I find it really shocking that some posters here would actually expect a 13yo to cancel their birthday party because they were grieving.

Well according to the majority here life goes on - even when your neighbour is dead a matter of hours.

I mean personally speaking, no.

I barely know my neighbours though. I wouldn't expect them to even know DH had died unless I went out of my way to tell them.

I presume you have already considered the impact of possible noise of the party on your neighbours, and if your garden layout/ knowledge of the girls’ behaviour is such that it won’t cause disturbance to neighbours, I don’t think a bereavement in an unrelated household makes a difference.

On the other hand, noisy parties that cause a nuisance to neighbours are always anto-social.

Yes, I know I would love to hear young people having fun at a time like this. It's uplifting to hear them play and chat. A reminder that life goes on.
I don't know why some people are so callous to think everyone should be tiptoeing around and isolating the poor woman from society and life.

Screaming teenage girls certainly would make me feel worse.

@CurlewKate not insinuating that at all. Obviously it’s not comparable. But expecting other, non related, people to accommodate your needs is crazy.

Very few have said cancel, it's just been suggested plans should be modified. It's the actual day of the death of the man this family lives next door to.

I agree that it is highly unlikely that they will be quiet and noise will carry in the night. The poor woman might be exhausted and in dire need of sleep.

If the party were indoors it wouldn't disturb her.

I agree with this.

A bunch of unsupervised 13 years olds out in the garden overnight in a tent are naturally going to make noise, no matter what advance warning they have. I'd be looking to minimise any outside noise after 10pm to at leave give the neighbour a chance of getting some rest overnight.

It’s probably the worst day of that lady’s entire life. He will have been dead less than a day.

can’t you at least move it indoors?

I know my DM would have liked hearing the sound of youngsters having fun after my DF died. Life has to go on.

No need to cancel

Way back in the 1970s my parent’s wedding plans were rearranged because one of my mother’s neighbours died. They had hoped to have the party in the garden but that was obviously deemed to be insensitive and they wedding party was moved to her aunt’s house. Obviously different times and I think people had very different views on death and bereavement then.

I know it's the day of the death - I still don't think people should be expected to modify their plans because of it.

What…. The same day? And until the early hours? Doubt it.

Her husband died this morning. She has had no time to process his death yet. She has probably been up all night. She will be distraught and not want to eat or sleep, but will be exhausted. Hopefully her sister will be able to get her to go for a lie down this afternoon. She might eventually manage to drop off, but it will be light sleep and if it’s as warm with you as it is here, she will need a window open. Then a bunch of excitable teens will arrive in the garden next door, and be there for the rest of the day and all night. Not exactly conducive to helping someone who needs it to rest, is it?

You need to give her some peace for today. Have the children over, but move it all indoors. Drop a sympathy card through the door. DO NOT go and ask her if she minds - she can’t possibly say ‘yes’ to you, so you will get what you want even if it is upsetting and disturbing to her, but you will feel it’s okay because you asked.

Reschedule sleeping out for next weekend, when she might be in a better routine. But please have some empathy, consideration and respect for a woman who has lost her life partner only this morning.