AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

Absolutely, she probably doesn't even want a trail of visitors offering condolences in return for coffee and cake! When my OH died at the start of lockdown I looked on lockdown as a blessing, no-one could come and sit with me, other than immediate family.

When my grandfather died right before my 6th birthday party somehow my mother pushed thru it for me. Please don't cancel her party

I can see both sides but having recently lost my father very suddenly (collapsed and died in front of me with no warning, during lockdown, fit and no great age) I would've found the celebratory noises very jarring so soon afterwards.

It's one thing having normal family noise outside but a garden of teenagers and a sleepover in a tent would've been more than I could handle at my parents' house.
Especially if we're talking the day after/two days after. If it was a younger child's party for a couple of hours in the afternoon I'd have taken my mum out somewhere but an evening, outdoor-overnight affair is hard to avoid.

Unfortunately teenage girls aren't known for being able to regulate their volume, despite their best efforts! I imagine there will be quite a lot of laughter/shrieking/squealing in the tent as there should be 🙂

Is there any chance your neighbour is going to her sister's? Would it be appropriate to speak to the sister and explain what's happening and see what she thinks (obviously not pushing for the party to go ahead outside).

Is there anywhere the party could be relocated to? I'd say bring it inside and have another celebration with the tent sleepover towards the end of the school summer hols. Maybe your DD could theme the next event differently and have fun with additional decorations and fancy refreshments to make it special and recreate the atmosphere.

I feel for your DD but I'm not sure an outdoor, overnight party is appropriate in the circumstances.

No, but letting a very recently bereaved person have some peace and quiet sounds like a suitably kind thing to do.

Jeez you don’t even realise how awful and totally insensitive this is do you? Fuck me, what a horrible human being you must be.

You don’t need to cancel. Life keeps going on around us as we mourn. It feels surreal, that the world doesn’t stop because our grief is so huge, but it just doesn’t.

if you have enough party food to put together a selection of treats for your neighbor, I might drop it by with a sympathy card. Some junk food might be welcome right now.

I think it's a joke post, satirising the worst selfish excesses of a swathe of Mumsnetters

I hope so. I can't quite believe that todays young mums are too gormless to have respect and walk their kids a few yards along a pavement.🙄

But how far do you extend that?

Can neighbours two doors away have a party? What about ones over the road or those whose gardens back on to that of the bereaved? And how long is this expected to go on for? A week? Two weeks? Until the funeral? Someone upthread suggested postponing by a month

You can be kind and considerate to your neighbours and continue your life as planned.

I would speak to her. Take round some flowers and check she's doing ok. Let her know you're all there if she needs anything.

Mention the party and explain that you'll try to keep the girls as quiet as possible. She'll either thank you, or she'll insist the party must go on for your daughter.

I wouldn't mind the kids party - what's left me gobsmacked is the baby shower mob taking up spaces that should be left for the funeral cortège (on the day).😳

Erm what. It’s first come first served!! They don’t own the spaces. Who says their family member is more important then mine? No one does. And they was fine about it anyway. They didn’t complain at all because we get in with our neighbours and help each other out

Fine role model, ! Stuff anyone else as long as your alright ! Nice.

and Not being funny but they were the ones parting until later after. Where was their respect for me and my family then ? As I said I don’t mind anyway I was ok with their party and they was ok with mine. Shock horror some of us actually like our neighbours and share things. If I was the OP I would be expecting the lady to come round maybe even stay with us for a while as she’s going to be so lovely and needs company.
i would be expecting her to come to the party too x

The problem with today is no community. That’s the issue here. Why can’t the lady be involved in the party?

I cannot think of a thing to say here. I hope you never lose your partner/husband. Jeez..🙄

That ^^

I know it's not the same but I had to have my cat PTS recently. They light a candle in the waiting room with a giant sign asking people to be quiet when the candle is lit as someone is saying goodbye
I ended up saying goodbye to my much loved pet to the sound of children shrieking and screaming because the parent CBA to parent or take them outside. The candle was lit and reception were trying to tell them to STFU, and apologised profusely to me but it made it so much worse
I came out looking wrecked and sobbing and they were still carrying on, and it wasn't a comfort at all

Wow, can you really be this entitled and selfish? And I suppose you’ll pass on this shocking attitude to your children too.

Really? You cannot see the difference between burying your loved one and a baby shower?

Ok then.

You sound like you haven't been in the position of losing someone suddenly at your address. It's an entirely different kettle of fish, would it be hard to extend a little compassion?

My parents' immediate neighbours (one with grown up kids who pop in and out constantly and one with primary/secondary aged kids) are considered friends so I suppose that made a difference. Ditto various neighbours in the street so there was quite strong support and overall shock and sadness (my parents have lived there 40+ years)

Of course life goes on but to hold a garden party/tent sleepover and have potentially 8 cars dropping off/picking up is a certain level of disturbance. OP's post suggests the man died yesterday or the day before unless I'm mistaken. I certainly wouldn't have appreciated this type of party over the fence the day after a loss and our neighbours were good enough to keep things low key for a few days.

I don't honestly know when the appropriate time is to resume outdoor/overnight party activities. I think it makes a big difference if the party is literally next door/through the wall/over the fence and the bereaved are still in the home. That's why I mentioned speaking to the sister (with no expectation). I wouldn't have minded a neighbour broaching it with me as long as it was done kindly and they weren't making demands. It's quite possible the sister will say they're not staying at the address tonight (empty house), or will say to go ahead regardless - outdoors. Communication goes a long way.

Two doors' down etc is much less intrusive. You sound a little impatient and inconsiderate.

On the night my mum died, my next door neighbours had a party. The circumstances were a bit different, terraced house in the summer with adults around age 30, drinking and smoking weed until 6am and playing music with the windows open. It was a nightmare because I was relying on being able to sleep to get out of my grief for a while, but it was so loud I couldn't sleep so I just stayed awake all night crying. I felt like I couldn't go round and ask them to be quiet because I was in such a state I was conscious of appearing quite mad and didn't want to explain that I was particularly upset as my mum had just died. If it had wrapped up by midnight-ish I wouldn't have felt so sad about it as I still would've been able to sleep.

You sound like you haven't been in the position of losing someone suddenly at your address. It's an entirely different kettle of fish, would it be hard to extend a little compassion?

You'd be wrong.

I never expected my neighbours to cancel or change their plans because something awful had happened to me. It's not their fault and not their tragedy to plan around. Life has to go on regardless.

You sound a little impatient and inconsiderate.

No, just someone who realises that life doesn't (and shouldn't) stop for other people when you're bereaved.

I wouldn't cancel the party but it is appropriate to show respect, it is only a few hours since her dh died.

I don't see how you can make 8 excited 13 year olds keep the noise down - which means no outdoor music and no shrieking/laughing loudly - outdoors, if you can then go ahead , but if not it is not too big an inconvenience to bring the party indoors - let them camp out in your lounge instead.

Many posters on this thread have no clue what respect is, and unfortunately this is being passed onto their dc too.

With all due respect Lily I think we both know that “no community” isn’t the problem here.