AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

I genuinely would want that. When my brother died I did not expect the world to stop turning and people to stop living in the best way they could. I would not want a 13 year old to miss out on a party because an elderly person had died, a very natural occurrence. Even if I were very sad about it.

To be fair, it doesn't say the widow came to tell them specifically - maybe they just saw each other in passing.

Regardless it wouldn't make me change my plans.

Don't these children have legs? Or couldn't the mothers either carry their little darlings or bung them in a pushchair?

Ate you going to bother to explain!!!!!

I think in this instance there is only one thing to do and that’s to go round and A) See if they’re ok and ask if there’s anything you can do. And B) Mention your daughter is having a sleepover in the garden tonight, and of course we can cancel if you’d prefer (they won’t) but they’re lovely girls and they’ll keep the noise down.

I think there's a massive lack of empathy for your neighbour showing in the replies. She lives next door to you, her husband just died, unexpectedly, yet some posters are irate that you might cancel your dd's party.... Why? Because a 13 year olds party is more important in the greater scheme of things than a death, than someone who's lost her husband , unexpectedl, today? Bizarre attitude really.

Id talk to her, not just send a sympathy card which basically says , hey sorry your husband died but just so you know my DD is having s party tonight. Really not seeing much signs of an actual community in responses ..

This is possibly the biggest load of nonsense I’ve ever read on MN.

These replies are fucked up. Her husband has just died. The OP should show some basic courtesy and respect. All she has to do is move the party indoors.

And there we have it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree with your husband.
i would postpone by a month and give your neighbour chance to grieve

You haven’t turned voting on which is a shame as I’d be interested to know the number of people voting each way.

In short- no your suggestion isn’t reasonable at all. I agree with your husband.
This poor lady’s entire world has just been turned upside down, the very least you could do is to pop round, speak to her and offer to reschedule the party. The very last thing I would want to experience is sounds of partying when I was at my most devastated. To go ahead without offering to cancel it is incredibly insensitive and isn’t teaching your daughter anything about empathy and compassion, either!

For me showing respect to bereaved neighbours involves going round to pay your respects, bringing flowers, bringing food and sharing any positive stories about the deceased.

I personally don’t see how halting the party is a mark of respect, someone newly widowed really isn’t going to care about it. Perhaps this insistence on maintaining a sombre atmosphere is something culturally specific I’ve missed.

Move the party indoors. And for goodness sake, don’t go and ask the neighbour if it would be ok to have the party. She has other things on her mind.

Don't these children have legs? Or couldn't the mothers either carry their little darlings or bung them in a pushchair?

Exactly what I was wondering...

The UK is much too over cautious and sentimental about death. Life goes on. And I say this as someone who has suffered very significant bereavement of a close family member who died very young. Let your daughter have a good night. Life is too short not to do the thongs that bring you joy.

But different people have different ways of dealing with bereavement. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario.

This is one of the most selfish, self-absorbed things I have read in a long time. They asked you to park somewhere else and you said no because the people with kids would have to walk.
How awful. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I think your plan is reasonable, and suggest you explain situation to the girls and why it is SO important they are quiet and cause no disturbance to sad lady next door.

Tell DD that you will be on the alert, and if they don't honour the agreement with her Mum, you will move the whole gang indoors at zero notice to sleep on the floor.

But different people have different ways of dealing with bereavement. It's not a one-size-fits-all scenario.

True, but you can't rationally expect other people to change their plans around to suit your particular way of bereavement.

Yes, I would have gone nuts with that. Baby showers are silly anyway, without hogging all the parking spaces. 🙄

But, as I said, I'm still in bits at losing DH, but I do understand life has to go on for others.

So, a kids party wouldn't upset me.

I think the right thing to do would be to bring the party indoors and to post a card through the letterbox with some nice words inside it.

Life goes on, but you don't have to rub a mourner's face in it.

They were adults. Who in their right minds would expect the safety of young children being compromised ?? I did make 2 guests actually remove the cars parked directly outside their house though as they were parked on the pavement which meant the funeral family needed to walk into the road. Soon as they were past that bit they parked back there again.

You took the spaces for a funeral cortège because your mates couldn't walk?

Wow, that is taking entitlement to a new degree.🙁

At least my neighbours had the respect to leave parking spaces that day.

This lady would think you were nuts, it's her grief, she's the one who's suffered the loss don't bother her with questions about parties, its a 13 year olds birthday FFS. By all means take flowers or offer a meal whatever is appropriate to your level of neighbourliness/friendliness, but its nuts you're over thinking it and people on here just looking for things to be outraged about.

Oh do leave off lol. They should be able to use a pavement. 🙄

We've had parties the day a close relative has died for the sake of the children who had a party planned for the same day. Relative concerned would have wanted it.

This is one of the most selfish, self-absorbed things I have read in a long time

Agreed. My gob is smacked.