AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

The car situation couldn’t be helped to be honest. It’s a main road and a few of our guests had young children with them so couldn’t park further away. It’s very much a first come first served area for parking.

If it was a child then I think it would be a different situation anyway. The sound of other children having fun would be too close for comfort I suspect. But that isn't the situation here.

Cancel the party and it's not fair on any of your neighbours on a hot night with windows open to here shrieking coming from your garden.

OMG you're making it worse. A short walk with young children trumps people wanting to get into a funeral procession?

On the day of DH's funeral, although the funeral directos said they'd block the road if necessary, the neighbours (I don't know who) had gone out early and put cones out to keep the road clear.

Definitely if it was a child’s death it would be different. But it wasn’t, it was an elderly man and sadly it was to be expected.

Er, of course it could be helped. You tell your guests to park further away, small children or not.

The UK is much too over cautious and sentimental about death. Life goes on. And I say this as someone who has suffered very significant bereavement of a close family member who died very young. Let your daughter have a good night. Life is too short not to do the thongs that bring you joy.

You'd really expect a 13y child to be able to do that?

That doesn’t make it different. And if it was expected, you had more time to prepare and warn your guests.

To be fair we didn’t know it was the funeral day until my guests stated to arrive and someone from the house came out asking if they could park somewhere else. As I said my guests physically couldn’t do that but if they could they would have definitely tried to help out

You could get her to bring round photo albums and tell stories about her husband, the girls will love that sort of thing especially funny and happy memories.

This can’t be real.

THIS!!!!!!!

Why couldn’t they park somewhere else? This makes no sense. You park further away and walk, small children in tow, or in a pushchair or pram.

I guess it depends on your local neighbourhood. Many people nearly know their neighbours these days. Many may not even know a neighbour has died.

If it was someone I only knew to say hello to in passing I'd be sad for the family, but my normal day to day life wouldn't be adjusted I don't think. I'd still be going to work, etc.

I hope a 13 year old hosts a party next door to you when your husband dies.

I was just thinking of ways to help the lady be a part of the party celebration but I did see reading back that her sister is there so it’s not needed anyway and I expect they are having their own night in and plans. Hope your daughter and her friends have a great night OP. Just make sure they keep the noise down after 1am

I wouldn’t have wanted a child to change their party plans. Carry on OP.

How rude !

But OP clearly does know her neighbour. She knew he was in hospital, the details and progression of his illness and his widow came to tell her of his passing within hours.

@LilyTuesday can't stop digging that hole can you

What…. The same day? And until the early hours? Doubt it.

My FIL died during covid on a warm day. Even as he was dying - I wasn't there as wasn't allowed but knew he was in his last moments due to contact with Dh at the time - I could hear children playing all around me in their gardens. Whilst telling Dd abd consoling her we could hear children playing football, children running around gardens, adults cutting their lawns or having BBQs. It had absolutely no bearing on me and how I felt, nor for Dd, Dh, MIL or BIL - all returned ti our home when he was gone.

If there was noise all night it would have done, but that would be the case regardless of what had happened tbh.

So I'd say have the party but if they aren't very quiet by 10pm they come indoors to sleep.

That doesn't mean they're especially close though.

A mark of respect would be to be considerate of the fact there'd be a funeral procession and make space for it - not to wave at the mourners as they trekked to the cars ffs

I think if they're close enough that the widow came to tell them almost straight away, they're close enough to care enough to move the party indoors as a mark of respect. Or postpone it a week or so if the girls prefer to stick with the original plan.

just go round and speak to her while she has family there. She may decide to go and stay elsewhere. The noise might be a welcome distraction and she probably would hate it to be cancelled.