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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

625 replies

PorkyPINE1 · 24/06/2023 09:41

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 25/06/2023 19:41

My DH and his family treat my older children the same as biological children of the family.

DH loves my older DC & does more for them than I do. Where is tell my dc to walk he’ll rush out and pick them up dropping everything. He shops for them picking up things he knows they’d want. If I split from DH I’m positive DH & his family would remain in touch with all my DC.

I think the crucial difference between step dads and and step mums, is that most women do not expect their new partners to take over cooking cleaning and default parenting of their existing children. Men (overwhelmingly) expect their new partners to take over default wife/mother position and prioritise their own comfort and convenience. This breeds resentment from the stepmother who ends up resenting the children when it’s generally the father who’s useless.

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 19:48

Dumbphone · 25/06/2023 18:31

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read, lots of what people have written on here has made me so sad.

My children have a step mum, I hope to god she doesn’t make sick comparisons about who she’d save first in a fire. I presume my children’s SM loves her new baby somewhat more than my children, however, I hope she would protect them all in an emergency.

My children’s new baby sister is perfect, adorable and lovely and I would love for her to become part of my family too as she gets older. I will care for her on occasion so my children get to spend time with their sister at our home.

My own SM wasn’t fond of me at 16 when she met my dad, but we get on well enough now, and my SD loves me like a daughter, and I him like a father.

I feel so desperately sad for the children who would be ‘stepped over’ or even ‘on’ 😥

I have been a SM myself, when I was very young and I loved that girl and ached for her when I broke up with her violent bastard dad. Can’t understand not seeing the child as part of the full package. Awful.

I don't think anybody is saying they wouldn't try to save everybody in that hypothetical if it was an option - they're saying if they could only save one, it would be their own child.

I don't see why that needs to be surprising or sad. If they can only save one child, they can only save one child. It may as well be their own.

adviceneeded1990 · 25/06/2023 19:54

I love my DSD to pieces and adore family life with both my husband and his child. Maybe it depends on the age/situation/set up - we’re in an extremely amicable 50/50 agreement where everyone gets on well, and she was tiny when we met.

Flamingogirl08 · 25/06/2023 20:04

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 19:48

I don't think anybody is saying they wouldn't try to save everybody in that hypothetical if it was an option - they're saying if they could only save one, it would be their own child.

I don't see why that needs to be surprising or sad. If they can only save one child, they can only save one child. It may as well be their own.

Show quote history

A person up thread said they would step ON step children to save their children.

Now call it dark humour or whatever but its fucking sick to even think like that about children.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:17

I honestly don't understand the women happy to get married and think the DH's children are an option. You know what you are getting into so step up or don't get married and be a rubbish stepmum.

JazbayGrapes · 25/06/2023 20:17

Now call it dark humour or whatever but its fucking sick to even think like that about children.

Unpleasant, but probably honest. A parent of children needs to be really careful when re-partnering.

JazbayGrapes · 25/06/2023 20:20

You know what you are getting into so step up or don't get married and be a rubbish stepmum.

If a woman is childless, she most likely doesn't know what she is signing up for. Especially if a father is looking for a new woman only to dump his kids on her.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:20

Grown women saying poor me, the children were there before you. I've not got everything right in my life but I'm a good stepmum.

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 20:21

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:20

Grown women saying poor me, the children were there before you. I've not got everything right in my life but I'm a good stepmum.

Except they're not really saying poor me. They're getting on with their life, just not with the depth of feeling you think they should have.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:21

JazbayGrapes · 25/06/2023 20:20

You know what you are getting into so step up or don't get married and be a rubbish stepmum.

If a woman is childless, she most likely doesn't know what she is signing up for. Especially if a father is looking for a new woman only to dump his kids on her.

I was childless and knew not to treat my SC as an inconvenience.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:23

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 20:21

Except they're not really saying poor me. They're getting on with their life, just not with the depth of feeling you think they should have.

Show quote history

OP clearly didn't enjoy any time with her SC so that's a lot of time not being happy.

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 20:23

*A person up thread said they would step ON step children to save their children.

Now call it dark humour or whatever but its fucking sick to even think like that about children.*

Maybe so, but I doubt anyone's thinking of that all the time, it's just an analogy to illustrate that when it comes to it, ultimately they love their own children more.

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 20:24

OP clearly didn't enjoy any time with her SC so that's a lot of time not being happy.

That doesn't equate to wanting sympathy.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:29

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 20:24

OP clearly didn't enjoy any time with her SC so that's a lot of time not being happy.

That doesn't equate to wanting sympathy.

It's still a lot of time to feel irritated. Just glad I bonded with my SC. It took time and effort trust me but it's worth it and my child has more close family because of it. He is now an Nephew twice.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:30

I meant Uncle twice

Flamingogirl08 · 25/06/2023 20:48

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 20:23

*A person up thread said they would step ON step children to save their children.

Now call it dark humour or whatever but its fucking sick to even think like that about children.*

Maybe so, but I doubt anyone's thinking of that all the time, it's just an analogy to illustrate that when it comes to it, ultimately they love their own children more.

And why the obsession of illustrating they love their own children more?

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:53

Flamingogirl08 · 25/06/2023 20:48

And why the obsession of illustrating they love their own children more?

Show quote history

It's normal to love your children more but when we had our DS we involved DH's girls as much as we could to mean we were a family.

They loved it.

Flamingogirl08 · 25/06/2023 21:00

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:53

It's normal to love your children more but when we had our DS we involved DH's girls as much as we could to mean we were a family.

They loved it.

Show quote history

Yes we did too.

Its so weird to me that people are posting vile analogies to show how much more they love their own children.

Yes with SC it's different to the love you have for your own children of course it is. Why the need to go to extremes to tell people how unimportant the step kids are.

Vettrianofan · 25/06/2023 21:06

NDN's are a blended family. I am exhausted with watching the two DC going back and forth at set times, getting collected by their biological dad. The couple also have two children of their own together.

I don't think I could deal with the complexities of blended families. I already find it stressful being part of a nuclear one 😂

If anything happens to DH, I will be staying single. I don't have any intention of dating anyone with children. Not for me.

ClareBlue · 25/06/2023 21:06

There's another thread running about how you really shouldn't stay in a basically OK marriage but lacking intamcy for the sake of your children. There is one of these every week.
The consensus is always that the children will pick up on your inevitable resentment about lack of an intimate side to your marriage and it sets a poor example to them that you compromise your happiness to keep a family unit. This isn't in abusive situations, just growing apart.
You should be free to find true intamcy with another partner is always the consensus.
This thread shows very clearly possible consequences of making those decisions whilst you have dependent children. Something never discussed on the 'need to be true to yourself' threads.
Having never been a step child or a strep parent it's interesting, to say the least.

crackfoxy · 25/06/2023 21:11

I love my DSD she's fantastic and loves her 2 siblings. I love her like my own and she even asked me to read at her wedding. Known her since she was 5, now mid 30s and she brings me a lot of joy.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 21:12

Flamingogirl08 · 25/06/2023 21:00

Yes we did too.

Its so weird to me that people are posting vile analogies to show how much more they love their own children.

Yes with SC it's different to the love you have for your own children of course it is. Why the need to go to extremes to tell people how unimportant the step kids are.

Show quote history

My DH also the same bond with all his 3 children.

I'm gobsmacked at the women saying their SC are an inconvenience.

If your DH puts on you take it out on him. Don't pick on the little people who are getting used to two family homes.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 21:15

The OP in her first post is saying she is with the man she wants but can't be arsed with his children. Poor OP FFS!

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 21:16

Yes with SC it's different to the love you have for your own children of course it is. Why the need to go to extremes to tell people how unimportant the step kids are.

Well, why do people often go out of their way to say that their love for their children is greater than any other love they feel, and choose to make the analogy of how they would let their partner die in a heartbeat to save their child? It's quite a common analogy to make in this context.

autieawesome · 25/06/2023 21:17

@Jazzappledelish

I read your post and felt quite sad that you dont believe a step parent can love a child as much as their own.
I met dh when my girls were 4 and 6. Their dad saw them regularly but had no involvement or contribution in their day to day life. (His choice) We started slow with meeting the kids and he moved in after about two years. He didn't have children of his own so it was a big adjustment being a family of four.
I asked dh to describe the development of his relationship with dds. He said it took time for their relationship to develop but over time he went from feeling like a friend of the family to a parental figure to their dad. We had our own ds about ten years later and he loves our son to bits. But while he expected to feel differently to how he feels about our daughters, he described it as more of the same feeling of love. Maybe because he had been raising our daughters for ten years by then.
They get on great with their dad and theirs no bad feeling between anyone but they know dh is their dad in every sense of the word. And dh loves all three of our children. (His words)