AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

Between 5 and 10
2 days a week just 1 sleepover a week
Good

Sorry one more question - how did your dh and ex get on?

DH only speaks if they have to. Always been like that since they split. Not going to say too much incase she's on here.

This thread makes me so sad because I was to die for any reason I would want my DS4 to have a step mum who would truly love him

Being a step-parent has hard parts for sure. But surely a few positives:

-the chance to have a positive impact and influence on a child's life.
-Being able to teach a child new things and give them different experiences then they might have had otherwise.
-Expanding your own experience and knowledge though meeting new people and doing news things you wouldn't have done otherwise.
-meeting people (the children) with their own personalities, lives, thoughts, hopes, dreams, challenges and being able to share in those things
-Building resilience, problem solving skills, adapting to new challenges
-seeing your partner be a parent, being able to help them when they need help, seeing the joy the child brings to their life

@Orangeradiorabbit lovely post.

@ivfbabymomma1 there are many loving stepmums out there but I understand you feeling like this.

@MrsJHarker this is true! I'll just have to trust DH to find one if it happened but hopefully it won't 🥰🤣

@Orangeradiorabbit I'd say those were all possible positives, rather than necessarily being how it pans out for everybody. You're not going to have all those uplifting experiences with a monosyllabic child who only speaks to you to make demands and pinch your stuff, for example, or a partner who takes the piss/does less than their fair share, making "the chance to help them" less of a privilege.

I'm not one, but I might suggest a few compensations for childless stepmothers:

No stretch marks , prolapse repair, C-section or vaginal scars.
Stepchild can't make any inheritance claim on your estate

Exactly how I feel, but a bit better now they are all adults but recently at a family celebration my SD said she has nothing in common with our DC (their half siblings) and has no interest in seeing them at all I was quite shocked and upset as we always all got on so well and she lived with us as a teen with no issues but this has made me see her in a different light but thankfully SD now lives 100s of miles away anyway and sees us max once per year otherwise it would be a problem and it makes me sad

Yes, hopefully 😂

Seriously though it is something I'd worry about when my child was young. I would haunt her 😂

Also, why are people with DH's that put on them?

As the only one of their three (between them) children who makes an effort to see our aging parents regularly, I hope my stepdad would disagree.I go over weekly, ring several more times; help with food shopping; help with holidays so they don’t have to go alone. My son helps each week in the garden.

I am the sole executor of their wills and have living power of attorney, ensuring that they know they will be cared for. Both of them, no matter who dies first.

I do all this willingly for my stepdad as part of the love we share. He taught me to swim; walked me down the aisle and held my son at 20 minutes old while my mum held my hair back for me to vomit.

I’d hope there are great positives for both of us.

I have step-children. Two of them. I’m a couple of years in. Their parents split 10 years ago, my partner has sacrificed his life for them utterly, financially ruined himself to keep them in the family home and in private schooling. They are 18 and 20. Entitled and unpleasant, initiate contact only if funds required, same with their paternal grandparents. I have tried and tried, but I do not like them. I see nothing good about the step-children in my world.

There is no upside at all! There are some women who enjoy it because maybe the stars have aligned for them but really there are no upsides, surely our DHs can see this

For a lot of us though, that just isn’t true.

You should all make your presence known on the SP threads, as whenever I find myself on one of them as they popped up on my Actives - it is pretty much unrelentingly bleak!

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read, lots of what people have written on here has made me so sad.

My children have a step mum, I hope to god she doesn’t make sick comparisons about who she’d save first in a fire. I presume my children’s SM loves her new baby somewhat more than my children, however, I hope she would protect them all in an emergency.

My children’s new baby sister is perfect, adorable and lovely and I would love for her to become part of my family too as she gets older. I will care for her on occasion so my children get to spend time with their sister at our home.

My own SM wasn’t fond of me at 16 when she met my dad, but we get on well enough now, and my SD loves me like a daughter, and I him like a father.

I feel so desperately sad for the children who would be ‘stepped over’ or even ‘on’ 😥

I have been a SM myself, when I was very young and I loved that girl and ached for her when I broke up with her violent bastard dad. Can’t understand not seeing the child as part of the full package. Awful.

I posted up thread, waaay back!

and yes, it is a rather depressing read. I wouldn’t be able to share my home if I felt how some people here do. It would make me far too uncomfortable.

Oh there is an upside I think the DHs can be quite grateful and know they come with baggage so can be more understanding and try very hard, I'm lucky as my DH is very good. Also they've had a failed marriage and going forwards if they marry again you know they've thought hard about it

IKR!!
Thank goodness for people like yourself 💗

I guess the ones I feel most sorry for are the step-children. After all, you chose this for you when you chose to enter a relationship with someone who already had children. You might not have fully understood what it would entail, but it was still a choice you made (did you really have no idea of how things would be from the period when you were dating? I would have thought you would have got some clue, unless you didn’t live together before marrying). However, your step-children have you thrust into their life with no choice at all. And have no choice about whether you stay in it, regardless of whether you get on or whether you treat them well or not.

And from some threads it sounds like many step-parents essentially merely “tolerate” their step-children. And often see them, at best, as an inconvenience they must put up with in order to have a relationship with their partner/spouse, or at worst, actively resent them. I mean, isn’t it pretty sad that you can’t think of a single good thing about your step-children? Can you imagine inflicting someone who feels like that about them on your own children? I get that you can’t force yourself to feel things, but I do think the issue is to not like having to deal with step-children and yet go on to marry/have children the parent of those children.

I wonder if most step-parents who feel this way cover this up as well as they think? I think it’s hard to think that you could effectively pretend over an extended period of time if you really don’t see any positives to your step-children’s existence, vaguely resent that they impinge on your life and would prefer it if they weren’t there. Even if you don’t actively mistreat them, having someone living with one of your parents who finds you at best an inconvenience probably isn’t the nicest thing. Do the partners know that their children are viewed this way?

that said, I think the actual parent is the biggest issue. I wouldn’t want to marry, far less have more children, with someone who viewed my children as an inconvenience they only tolerate because of their feelings for me.

I've not rrft.
I'm currently divorcing and have children.
My partner is divorced and has children.
We have been together over a year and don't intend to meet eachothers children anytime soon. We are happy together and happy to keep thinks how they are.

I don't doubt my children will meet him and me his at some point but we are both against blending the family by living together etc.
Our children are older and will be flying the nest probably sooner rather than later, only then we would consider living together.

I have a friend who has children and his partner of 6/7 years doesn't.
She knows his children but the while dynamic seems odd. She gets on with them but she's always telling him (and worst still his ex wife) how to parent.
I can see it bringing the end of the relationship as he doesn't enjoy her telling him how to parent and his ex wife most certainly doesn't.
It can be difficult from all angles.

Excuse all those typos!