AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

what a weird thought.

in such a situation why would you expect him to prioritise saving the kids he has with you over the kids he has with his first wife? presumably he loves them all equally.

I wish more people would spend more than 5 mins wondering if the role of step-parent is really for them. You just know that the OP desperately tried to ingratiate herself with his kids to begin with too. Until she got the ring on her finger and a kid of her own.

This. When we first got together I was castigated by my bloke for not “making more effort” with his kids. I took the view that I was going to treat them normally and they could decide for themselves whether or not they liked me. Fortunately they do.

Yes, as soon as they get a ring on their finger they think they are more important than the SC.

My SC were bridesmaids and it was very much a family occasion.

I'm now a Step Nanna and love it.

As I thought.

My step son was best man at my wedding. He was an adult by the time I married his father.
How does that fit into your theory?

It's not so much as having the ex around or being reminded of the ex with the child. It wasn't that for me. It was never being able to just live as a normal person. Make decisions, book holidays, be yourself. Until you've lived in a position where everything you do is reported back to the mum and then listening to how it's twisted up and the vile verbal attacks for either daring to do something she wouldn't or doing something she would.. you will never understand. It's like living in a fishbowl.

I had a previous lovely experience of step children. I'm still friends with dcs dads ex wife and see my children's siblings. I was also a step child! I would never put myself back in that situation again after the horrorshow of my now exh, ex and ds ruining my life. It's all very well to say all you need to do is treat them all the same and be kind.. it doesn't work. And marriage and/or subsequent dc often set off what was previously a good set up.

What theory?

I'm just saying we have a good relationship. They were never a joyless experience. There is not the same bond I have with my DS but I love spending time with them and miss them when it's been a while.

Yes, as soon as they get a ring on their finger they think they are more important than the SC.
That theory.

Exactly. And these people wonder why so many stepmums are resentful and find their stepchildren an inconvenience. It’s not the child themselves, but the situations surrounding them.

The parents need to take a long hard look at themselves and their behaviour if they expect the stepmum to enjoy their children.

As I responded to another poster upthread. Her partner is willing to stand out in the rain every weekend watching his stepchild do their sports, and I wonder why that is? Very nice of him to so, but I bet it’s because he’s not spent the week putting up with a load of crap.

You don't know that at all, that's just an off MN stereotype. I've yet to see any evidence that people regularly pretend to be into it until they "have a ring on their finger".

Wow! You would want your husband to save the children you have together in an emergency before his children from his previous marriage???
You are a horrible, horrible person, if your husband heard you saying that what do you think he would say?

I was agreeing with a PP.

Why marry a man if you can't enjoy time with his children?

@MrsJHarker In my case his children were already teenagers. The years of 'contact weekends' would be coming to an end and then they could have a looser relationship based on when they actually wanted to see each other rather than 'this is my time and it cannot deviate' contact schedules.
I think people are running with the fact most of us have admitted not loving our sc, in my case not loving them didn't mean I hated them. There is a massive grey area inbetween that I guess most step parents fit into.

Yes, I had the exact same experience.

I know people think I'm a cold, argumentative sod from interacting with me online but it couldn't be further from the truth. That's come as a result of years of these comments and just deciding enough is enough.

I used to feel guilty for not loving my DSS more. This site and the posters on it have made me feel the opposite of that, which is pretty ironic!

Yes obviously. His children. I would expect him to prioritise his children.

The insistence that it's different from stepfathers, they don't have as many responsibilities, love their stepchildren like their own, etc. is very naïve. Stepfathers generally have the stepchildren in their house far more often than stepmothers do. Unless you believe men are naturally more caring and nurturing than women, I think it's safe to say most stepdads would use their stepchildren as human shields as well. In fact, just look at the statistics - a child is far likelier to be abused or murdered by a stepfather than by a biological parent.

Yes but it's nothing at all to do with jealousy that my husband has an ex... Its because she makes life difficult at any given opportunity.

I do believe as a society that men in general, step fathers or fathers, have a lot less pressure put on them when it comes to care of children. I think you'd be lying to suggest otherwise frankly! In what world are men ever expected to take on as much as women when it comes to child rearing or the home?

Yes I meant his children as in I'd expect him to prioritise the children (all of his children) over me. That's not odd imo. In the same sense I don't think it's odd that I'd prioritise my children in that scenario.

I have bern annoyed with the ex many times but it didn't make me care about the SC less.

I would have been upset if they didn't want to spend time with us. They are my child's big Sisters and my DH's flesh and blood so this made them my family.

I'm lucky they turned out to be great adults and I get a card and present on Mother's Day.

I agree. I hate being a step parent in every single way. My partners child is as lazy and entitled as he is and when he comes over, I feel like a slave to meet their needs.

Why are you with someone lazy and entitled?

Martyrdom

Passivity

and the children suffer for it

Out of interest @MrsJHarker how old were your step children when you moved in together?

and did you move in or was it EOW access?

what was their relationship like with their mother?