AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

Exactly.

I love my nephew deeply. I was there at his birth!

But it is a drop in the ocean to how I feel about my children.

The notion of loving another couple’s child, who I didn’t know from Adam until they were…. 6/7/8/9/10… a teenager is unfathomable to me.

and those that say their “DH” loves your child (his Step child) as much as his biological child…. Is plainly talking out their bottom. Namely because they can’t possibly know that.

what baffles me is the people who know how they feel about their partners children whilst dating, whether that is indifference or annoyance, and yet still decides it would be a good idea to blend families.

At least I know I’d be a shit Step mum because and so have no intention of ever ever ever being one or subjecting my children to a step parent

I think when stepmums find them joyless, there are probably other things going on to cause her to feel that way. The parents being the most likely problem. But also the child’s behaviour could be a reason too. And maybe a bit of the in laws stirring the pot too.

But I mainly think it’s down to one or both parents. They’re normally the root cause of everything that goes wrong.

sadly I can see lots feel like you but you where the one quoting someone else and telling them they where fake , .
Lots of step parents are not fake . Lots of us truly love our step children . My criticism you Yi assuming most are lying , I do not believe that

Well you wouldn't know, would you? I don't assume most are lying. But I do think it's fair to say many are. Even on here you see all the time people admitting the truth, to be told "of course you can never voice this to your partner". Personally I don't lie. My partner knows what I do and don't feel. Ironically I might have tried harder to sugar coated it had I not been pissed off by the comments on this site!

@aSofaNearYou
out of pure nosiness, how did you word it to your partner? And what was his response?

I think what a lot of the "you-should-love-them-equally" posters are not understanding is this.

With your own child if anything was to happen that meant the dad was not around anymore (death/divorced kid of scenario), then the chances of your child being removed and the possibility that you would never see them again is extremely slim. With a SC you don't have that. Should anything happen there is a very high chance that the SC will leave your life completely so subconsciously you tend to take a step back from giving that child 100% love. Now, I'm not saying that's how it is for all SP's but I'm sure it was a factor in my feelings towards my DSD.

Ironically I might have tried harder to sugar coated it had I not been pissed off by the comments on this site!

This! Sometimes I’m actually thankful for the batshit unreasonable comments I saw over the years, as they all made me question everything and pushed me to stand up for myself and my children.

So if anything, some of the posters who go on at stepmums are actually having the opposite affect to what they are trying to achieve.

I don't think there was a one time I worded it to him, I've never had to say "I don't love him like my own", that's a given. It probably comes across in moments like me referring to my two kids, while he refers to his three. I don't speak as if DSS is equal in MY eyes.

In terms of how I expressed that I find it joyless, well, my DP knows the ways in which it's hard work having him around, he isn't blind. He often finds it joyless himself. There are times when he probably wished I enjoyed it more, but I guess he respects when I say it's harder without the natural cushion of unconditional love.

It shouldn't be the case but you are right. I think there is far less societal pressure on a step father than step mother. Also the case with mothers and fathers

I totally get you finding it joyless @aSofaNearYou

but surely you found it joyless before you blended families?

Actually laughing.

I wouldn't describe my life as having blended families tbh. You mean before I moved in with DP? I live with DP and DSS comes to visit EOW, that does not feel like the blending of two families, it feels like having a visitor that's a bit hard work EOW. And yes to an extent I knew and decided to grin and bear it, but it's got harder over the years. Behaviour that seemed like toddler behaviour that he would grow out of has not been grown out of and is more frustrating from a 10 year old.

Fingers crossed then that that EOW doesn’t change in the teen years

@Cucucucu in what way am I being fake? My husband never asked me if I loved his children, should I have sat him down and said 'darling, just for clarity I don't love your children'?
Also, there is a world of difference between bringing up a three year old and a teenager. I don't care what anyone says, it is not easy to bond with a teenager that has previously had no relationship with you.
I stand by what I said. You don't need to love them as long as you treat them well.

I suspect it’s partly dark humour. And partly that yes, they love their own kids more.

I am not a step-parent but unless a child was with me from baby/toddler age, I don’t know if I could love them as much as my own child.

Should people only get with a man if they can guarantee they will love his kids the same as their own children? I think that’s unrealistic. I think you can still give a kid a good life if you are fond of them, care for them and enable the relationship between them and their dad.

This thread really just vindicates my belief that I was always a second class citizen in my dad's home. It doesn't do much for your self esteem. I was a well behaved, easy child but it made no difference.

No objection to the people saying that they'd never want to be a step parent but to the actual step parents - show a little compassion please.

Glad I made you laugh. I do think some women find it hard to have the ex wife around so they fel irritated with the children because if they didn't exist the ex wife wouldn't be.

I just don't see the point of anyone marrying someone with children if it is going to be joyless spending time with them.

I can totally understand people who say they wouldn't do it.

Yes, they need show more compassion.

I'm writing this as a stepmum not as an ex wife.

I promise we're not all like some of the people on this thread and I'm certainly not lying about my experience as a Step Parent as some PP have suggested.

I look at us all as family. Maybe I'm lucky in that all the adults involved do their best to make it work.

I honestly do love DSD and we are a family of 4. That's how I look at it.

*The parents being the most likely problem. But also the child’s behaviour could be a reason too. And maybe a bit of the in laws stirring the pot too.

But I mainly think it’s down to one or both parents. They’re normally the root cause of everything that goes wrong.*

Agree. From what I’ve read on here and the comments as well as on other forums, many seem to expect stepmums to be live-in nannies vs family members who can have a say and discipline a child within reason when they are sharing a home.

I’m not saying she loves him the same as her own child, I’m saying she comes across as is she does love him and she cares for him like he is her own.
My son would be able to pick up in somebody not wanting him around but yet he asks to see her even when dad works away and she allows him to still go round. children are very intelligent and know when an adult does not particularly want to care for them, im sure a lot of the step children involved with the women from these posts will feel resentment and choose to not live in their fathers homes as they get older as they will recognise they are not loved.
It is very sad for these children I would have hated to grow up in this environment

I gained a step dad in adulthood who is a lovely man who treats my children exactly as he treats he's daughters children. I feel like I gained two sisters.

My partner became a SD to my 3 children over a long period of time. No rush to establish relationships, all at the kids pace. My ex remarried and we all make a big effort to be friendly, go out to celebrate birthdays etc. it's taking a degree of tounge biting all round but worth it for the kids.

My partner does have children of his own and he often says he feels privileged to be part of my kids life.

Fingers crossed then that that EOW doesn’t change in the teen years

Indeed!

Absolutely horrible thread, which has really triggered me. My mum died of cancer when I was a child, dad remarried shortly after to a horrible woman with kids of her own. Not physically abusive but emotionally and mentally so. I was left with a lot of post traumatic stress after they divorced a few years later.

My DH sister is now part of a blended family and they are very happy, so I understand it can work out. Her husband is an incredible step dad to her two kids, they also have kids of their own and all children are treated equally and fairly.

It definitely takes a certain kind of person to be a step parent, and it seems most people are not cut out for it. Nothing wrong with that I guess, but don't be one then. I feel terrible for all these step children who would be "stepped on" during a fire so the step parent could save their own children. 😥

You only have to look at the news recently about children who are abused and killed by their step parents.

I’m not a stepmum (I’m an adoptive mum), but my DSis is, as well as being a bio mum and adoptive mum. She loves all the kids in her life the same, she says this and I believe her. (She has no reason to pretend with me!)

Her DSS was 9 years old when she met his dad and she was his primary carer for several years as she was a SAHM following having her own DC and his mum moved away with her new partner and he stayed with her EOW.

She was always strongly protective of him growing up, and insisted that we all treated him the same as her own DC. It wasn’t always easy, though, especially during his teen years as he did attempt to play the adults against each other. However, his mum got wise to this and they mostly got on well.

I think a big difference, though, is that my DBIL was a single dad who already had his DS with him most of the time. So my DSis knew that she would be taking an active parenting role in her DSS’s life and embraced it from the start.

Your father failed you