AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

And I get the whole 'oh I'd hate my child to have a step mother like you' stuff but honestly, maybe don't make her life as difficult as you can and she'd enjoy being a step parent to your kids more? Maybe if more dad's didn't act like they do on threads on here all the time, less step parents would hate the role.

Thank you. I’ve said this multiple times on this thread. It’s so so so true. The parents themselves have a lot to answer for.

I am still disgusted by the thread about the dad and mum who arranged for the pregnant stepmum to drive 40 minutes or something each way for their kid's school run, and expected her to continue this with a newborn.

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt there is a thread on the step parenting board about SS bullying the OP into being a full time step mum

I agree… anyone that won’t admit it is a liar. I don’t get the uproar over it either.

I would 100% be saving my kids first over my dsd.

To me they come first every single time.

You see stuff like that really makes my blood boil. I don’t think I saw that particular thread, but seen lots like it over the years!

And what makes it even worse, on those threads you usually get the haters piling in with no common sense between them. “You must hate the dsc” “Poor kids”.
I always want to shout, “What about their PARENTS?!”, because the problem could be solved by one of them picking their kids up.

Or by the put-upon person in question acquiring themselves a spine

Tbf it’s the human shield stuff

I’m glad I don’t have to deal with anyone like that

In fact it just reinforces I wouldn’t want this set up. Although as a pp said it doesn’t actually match what I see irl so maybe this thread is just attracting a certain type of view.

Step child here. Grown up. My step mother was horribly unkind to me. I am afraid I have nothing good to say about men or women who go into this situation unable to make the very best of it. But I can say that while I am sure my step mother if she were on this thread would say how unlovable I was - from the perspective of adulthood I can quite confidently say the same about her, the silly old cow 😁

That's the problem. Everyone around them starts telling them they should be putting themselves out as much as the biological parents and by saying no to things that they're the wicked stepmother. In this case if she said no, the child would have to move school.

In my experience, it's not actually the stepchildren that are the problem. It's the other adults in their lives. For example, too many fathers are happy to marry a woman who would step over his children in a fire, rather than think maybe his children don't deserve to have this woman in their lives.

Numerous studies lol. Pretty sure it wouldn't pass the ethics board 🤣

I'd say in the long run YABU. My DSD began living with us when she was 9, (although I met her dad when she was 2.5). Her teenage years were really fucking hard! But, we came out the other side. I've always treated her like I treated my dds (who were born after I got with her dad). Now she's 30, and has become a mum herself. I'm the one who she asks to babysit, not her own mum. And I'm the one she wants on the top table with her dad at her wedding, not her own mum.

Round of applause for perfect sm..unfortunately we don’t all have experiences like & most are hard for sm’s not top table bs

You understand theoretical right?

You really don’t sound great, OP.

I would be completely horrified if my mom ever thought (and worse, could publicly state) that she could realistically « step on children » (worse, kids she knows and partially raised) to save me, with no problem whatsoever.

Irrelevant of me being her daughter and her genes, it’s so messed up to even be able to picture such scenario in your head, and (I know you weren’t the author of that original post) think « yep, I can relate and would totally do that. » I couldn’t personally imagine stepping on a kid, full stop. Death or life situation or not and you are out here, publicly happily agreeing to scenarios in which you would cause fatal harm to your step kids? Step kids you say you get on fine with? That’s horrible, and I would seriously second guess having had a kid with you if I was your partner.

Now to get back to the topic. I am not a step-parent, but have a step-dad who I am actually closer to than my own mother/parents. He did have to deal with issues with my dad, and even my sibling as he grew up, but I think he would vehemently disagree with your vision of things tbh. My mother has since remarried with a different man with whom she has had another kid and this man has had no interest integrating in the family and personally I will never understand why people who don’t care to integrate an already former family, make the decision to become step-parents when they hate every single minute of it. We keep up the good face for my little sister who is just 3 but it makes me very sad for her because she will actually never experience the childhood we had in a family that’s truly United and love each other and where everyone has its place.

Personally I wouldn’t mind being a step parent but would be extremely cautious about bringing a step parent in due to too many step parents wanting the relationship with their partner but not actually wanting the kids in tow, and the dynamic it creates when an extra kid from the new relationship is then added (where tolerance for the step kid usually further decrease).

I personally find it so sad that too many step parents make kids feel unwelcome and unwanted in their own homes. It might not be your case, OP. But the fact that most of what you hate about being a step parent has nothing to do with the kids themselves and all to do with your partner (that you chose!) and his ex. And yet, you hold them responsible (vs your partner) for your unhappiness, is quite sad.

There's no need to be snarky, luv. Did you miss the bit where I said her teenage years were really fucking hard? We also got grief off her mum from day fucking 1! There's a reason she came to live with us when she was 9.

It's not the kid's fault that their parents aren't together anymore. Making it as easy as possible for them to be comfortable and at home with you is important. I treated her like I treated my own because she was a child!

Yeah not your luv (I suspect you’re part of the hun brigade) you should be ashamed that your step child has chosen to exclude her own mother so you can peacock it about & pretend you did a better job..idiot

I’ve have a fantastic relationship with all my step parents and step siblings and love them dearly. We all get on like a house on fire but I realise that not everyone’s experience is like this.

My experience pretty matches up to everyone’s I know who is also a step mum.

It’s easy to look nice and happy on the outside but that doesn’t always match up to how we actually feel.

Did you miss the bit where it said STEP OVER, not step on…

I'm with my child's father but if I wasn't, there's no way I'd be with anyone who felt as though my son was just something they had to put up with. I wouldn't expect someone else to love him as much as me but over time I'd hope they would feel something.

Being a childless SM is utterly shit and heartbreaking, but it is worth it if my DH finally gets a shot at happiness.

Because my other post was deleted I'm just going to say, if you're the type of person who treats a child differently than your own because they're not yours then clearly you're a bit of a shite. Do better.