AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

In my dsc’s case and my own children’s case, it was the best thing for everyone for me to kick their dad out and end our relationship.

If anything, now that I have my own separate relationship with dsc without the adults being involved (dsc is now almost 18), I have much stronger feelings of fondness and love for dsc than I did when I was actually with my ex and was official stepmum. And that says everything to me, that it wasn’t the child who was the problem but the parents. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t a happier stepmum when dsc was little.

I imagine there are people who get positives from it, but I feel as you do OP. I imagine I'd feel differently if my DSC was the kind of child that was "a joy to be around", but I think people are kidding themselves if they think all children are.

I would not expect” my adult child to do anything. If they lost their partner and remarried, I would be delighted for them.

If I found out that her / his new partner felt the same way I did about step children ie the idea of sharing my home, holidays, life with another person’s child is utterly and completely unappealing to me, then I would be very very concerned. Why? Because despite feeling like this, he / she still married my adult child and blended families with my grandchildren.

Whereas i have the same feelings as him, so will never ever ever remarry or have someone move in to mine and my children’s home - with children(or without but 🤷‍♀️ that’s me!)

I would not be horrified if they were fairly ambivalent but got on with having positive interactions for the sake of their partner. I wouldn't be horrified if they struggled with it either, I have the life experience to understand what they're going through.

Especially if they only lived with them EOW, as I do.

It doesn’t take away from the fact that you are the adult, they are the child and ultimately you are the one with the choice and option to walk away. Any child can misbehave or have problems biological or otherwise and all behaviour is communication. Your partner has a responsibility to their child and in some small part so do you, because that is the consequence of marrying a man with children. It sounds like you have a problem with the way that your partner parents his child/the fact he is continuing to have a relationship with them that you don’t think is healthy or acceptable. In which case I think you’re pointing the finger at the wrong person…

You sound absolutely lovely I know of somebody who parented a child between the age of nine months and 13 years. Happily spent the Absense parent’s child support as part of the family pot on holidays, home improvements etc and then when they split never spoke to the child again

I think it says you shouldn't be a step-parent! Not everyone is cut out for it- you clearly aren't.

Feel sorry for your step- kids really

I'm a step mother, and a mother. My step kids are with me and DH full time.

I love my step kids. But I don't love them unconditionally like I love my daughter. That's no reflection on them, I don't love my husband unconditionally like I love my daughter. Its different. Nothing to do with anything they do, it's just different.

And yes, it makes some times harder - when they're rude, or stroppy, or difficult as teenage girls are, I don't have as much patience as I do with my own daughter. But I hide those feelings entirely, BECAUSE I love them (and it's not their fault that their mum deserted them and they're with me).

It's a fucking hard job, but if you take on a man with kids, you can't half arse the job. It's not the kids fault.

You literally disgust me. You would have been my worst nightmare as a mother of dependent children.

My children having to deal with their parents separating then also having to have a totally self-involved step mother. I hope they treat you with the contempt you clearly feel towards them.

I do think there is a difference with struggling to be a step parent but trying your best to just totally not wanting them around. The OP is selfish because they should have never married their partner if she didn’t like their children. And if their partner is aware of their feelings why the hell are they with them? The relationship is not the childs doing or choice. I have step parents, my partner is a step parent to my son who lost his dad when he was 1 so I feel I have a view of most aspects, apart from being a step myself, but I am aware if I was to ever go into another relationship I wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t fully happy with me having kids and I would never pursue a relationship if I wasn’t happy with aspects of their life including children. I appreciate being a SP is HARD, but mist SP I know care deeply about their partner AND their kids.

I agree. I’m a step mum and to be honest I don’t see any positives with having my dsd in my life. If anything having her in my life just makes it harder.

She’s lovely but it’s nothing like having your own… who bring me joy by just looking at them.

fortunately for me we have EOW contact and I don’t have to have any contact inbetween.

Thank you. Definitely not perfect of course because I do have some strong views which might seem mean, but my views are always directed at the adults and never the children. I have no time for CF lazy selfish parents that you see mentioned on here, and unfortunately my comments get interpreted as being hateful towards the stepchildren but it’s really not the case.

I definitely never wanted to forget about my dsc. Always always an open door here. It’s all the lovely bits (siblings, catch ups, birthday celebrations, laughs etc..) without all the drama of living as an official stepfamily and without my ex and his ex influencing it all.

Step parenting isn’t black & white as it seems that people on this thread are suggesting, the sp doesn’t only have the children to deal with but the ex as well, I am a sm my adult children also have a sm & I have a sm, every relationship is different & I in no way felt the same about my sc as I do my own, not even close. My relationship with my sc is non existent now their adults due to their self destructive choices & I’m close to my sm & my adult kids have a good relationship with their sm although they aren’t particularly close. It is just totally unrealistic to expect them to all be perfect.

I was an adult when I had a step father. He was the most wonderful man I ever met. Caring, kind, just a great guy. I can only talk for myself. It might not be good for everyone but do give people a chance.

It’s been a positive experience for me but my stepson is lovely and I get on well with his mum. I’m lucky in a way because I didn’t come onto the scene until several years after his parents split up so it wasn’t quite so traumatic for him.

All I ever see on here is negative. My partner has a wonderful relationship with our teens, they often go to them instead of me for help advice and guidance.

My partner is very comfortable both disciplining and stepping back and leaving me to discipline.

I thought everyone ran like a "normal" family unit like this but I'm shocked every time I read about a stepfamily on mumsnet.

Most women always hark on about how wonderful their partners are with their kids but rarely have anything but contempt or criticism of sm

From what I gauge from Mumsnet and my own experience is that being a step parent is possibly more difficult for women, particularly if they have no previous children of their own.
Probably optimum step parent experience is man with no previous children?
My DH has been in my children's lives since they were 5 and 3 and we had a child together when DD2 was 6. He tells people he has 3 daughters and i believe this is truly how he sees it. Having all siblings in the same home makes them feel like siblings rather than living together part time as would be in a situation of nrp. Maybe I have just been lucky but I really feel there is no difference at all in terms of treatment between all the kids.
Dd1 and 2 send Father's Day cards to DH as well as their own Dad (they are adults now).
I think simply though I wouldn't have entered into a relationship with Dh if I felt there would be any issue at all with him taking a positive and full role in their lives.

I think there is a huge naivety with many couples that the fact that there's step children won't change the dynamics if they then have birth children. It's easier if like us you don't have joint children because it's more equal, 2 a piece

My naivety wasn’t kids it was how much nonsense I had to pit up with from the ex. I had my own kids so absolutely no surprises there by the ex was another level of BS

I think that’s very true. I’ve been a step parent for 24 years now, one of our kids is mine, the other three are his. It hasn’t always been a picnic but it’s been pretty positive on the whole. Last week I received an invitation from my stepdaughter to help her choose her wedding dress - I think that speaks volumes.

I haven't said anywhere on the thread that I don't like my stepchildren. Just that I find being a step parent thankless and a negative experience for a variety of reasons. It's actually nothing at all to do with the children themselves or anything about them personally.

To be honest I'm still not getting the uproar about the earlier hypothetical situations of saving your child first. I think anyone who says they wouldn't actually first think of their own child and try and get to them by any means possible in a situation like that is a liar. You might think it makes you look good saying you'd not do this but honestly I don't believe you! But it's irrelevant anyway as it's not going to happen.

And I get the whole 'oh I'd hate my child to have a step mother like you' stuff but honestly, maybe don't make her life as difficult as you can and she'd enjoy being a step parent to your kids more? Maybe if more dad's didn't act like they do on threads on here all the time, less step parents would hate the role.

Of course this doesn't happen all the time but I imagine most step parents who hate the role have some dealt with some form of the above.

How are you supposed to love being treated horribly by your husband's ex all the time, or him not having any respect for you and not consulting you on decisions that affect your life, as examples?

I haven't said anywhere on the thread that I don't like my stepchildren. Just that I find being a step parent thankless and a negative experience for a variety of reasons. It's actually nothing at all to do with the children themselves or anything about them personally.

People can be so sensitive, can’t they? Really annoying. Like just because you find it thankless, people seem to think you hate the children.

If a situation is negative, then it’s negative. No point in pretending it’s all unicorns and rainbows when it’s not. But that doesn’t mean it’s anything personal against the children.

Of course, we are supposed to do all the grunt work but heaven forbid we have an opinion about what happens in our own homes. If we have joint children then they are obviously nowhere near as important to us as sc are & we must always respect mum’s decisions & not question it 🙄