AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

I sleep perfectly well at night thanks, you have no idea about anyone’s personal circumstances

I totally embraced my step-mother role for 20 years - it was strained/difficult to begin with - but we DID have over 15 years where there was cohesion/positivity & apparently genuine warmth. However, DH's ex-wife came back onto the scene a few years ago (her OWN children avoided her/loathed her behaviour - she has alcohol/drug issues & is known for her vitriol - towards many) but she shit-stirred with epic-proportions & it's ALL collapsed.
We're all estranged, I avoid all contact as it's toxic/negative - and we don't all want to be around each other anyway. Am NOT saying I did everything - or even anything "right" but god, I tried/probably tried too hard/I was sincere & hopeful - but am now the stereo-typical Wicked Step-Mother with all & every single possible criticism levelled at me

If I could turn the clock back - I would NEVER have inflicted any of us on each other!! I would have "dated" DH but kept separate households - I'd NEVER have attempted to blend anyone with anyone ever

Just like you have no idea about mine. No idea why my DSD would rather me at her top table than her mother. Maybe try and engage your brain and think what could possibly make a daughter pick her stepmum over her own mother?

I haven’t made any judgment about you the fact you needed to point it out says more about you than me. I guess you’re a very angry person but stop with this now, enjoy your evening, best of luck with the wedding

That was really fucking nasty.

@Ourladycheesusedatum - biology is not destiny. Do you subscribe to women actually having a ro,e beyond childbearing? It’s a lazy argument. Studies about it is the kind of thing one of my Year 7s would write.

I love mine, I think I bring something to their lives (like an involved aunt I guess).

It can be a difficult relationship for sure, but it can also be a very good one.

You have to remember that people who post on here post because they’re having problems.

What a vile vile thread

human shields, stepping over kids in fires

Jesus - what have I just read

i wouldn’t treat anyone like that let alone the children of my DH

Agree this is horrible
No one should agree to live in the home of children they feel that way about
It is not their fault and it would be so damaging for them ...
I didn't realise I was so lucky to have a very happy set of step families (mine, ex dhs, my partners ex..). We are all perfectly happy to spend time together with the dc also when appropriate ...

Take some responsibility and stop blaming everyone else for your issues.

What you said about “stepping over” your SDC in a fire to get to your own children was disgusting. I wouldn’t say that about anyone or any child. Totally uncalled for an unnecessary and the fact that you would blithely assert that says a lot about your approach to being a step parent. You can love your own children without othering, objectifying and rejecting your SDC.

I am not a step parent. Several of my close friends are on their second time around and have experienced blended families. None of them are happy, and I have heard comments about not rescuing step kids from a fire from a couple of them. The relationships that work best are when there aren’t kids from both parents. The most difficult relationships are when bio mum fills the kids with hate before sending them to their dads (not surprisingly those are the kids that would be left in a burning house). They all do their best, but it’s hard when you are expected to treat the kids equally, but neither step parent do, then argue about it. One friend moved out, the relationship works well when they don’t live together, she is no longer the maid for him and his kids.
I don’t think I could do it.

My StepDD is honestly one of the greatest joys in my life. I've been in her life 22 years, 2 years after husband and I got together. Husband and I recently split but StepDD and I will always be in touch.

My dh came in to my dds lives when they were 6 and 8. Together we have raised them and supported them. They are both lovely women embarking on careers. We regularly go on holidays/nights out together and are all very close. We are also close with their partners. We have a ds whos 7 who we all adore. My dh loves all our children equally and you would not imagine there's any difference in relationship. Their dad is/was involved he had them eow growing up. Although he rarely contributed financially and sees them less now. But we have all always gotten on fine.

Not all step parent relationships are that close but surely if it's a negative the relationship isn't working?

My dh loves all our children equally

you can’t possibly know that

Do you have children @WonkyPicture ?

But by the time the mother came back in to the picture, your step children just have been adults? And yet it all still fell apart?

some of the replies in this thread are absolutely vile, if I believed my sons step mum felt this way about him there is no chance he would be going to his dads and her house. We must be extremely lucky because she seems to love him very much and he also loves her and has nothing but positive things to say about her.
I have two step children
a son who isn’t my partners and we have two children together.
no the love for my step children isn’t the same as my bio ones but I love them a lot and wouldn’t ever consider them a a negative in our lives, their my partners children who I chose to be with and with that comes with a commitment to treat them the exact same way.
their has been times where both myself and my partner have felt the children have been treated different but after a conversation this is dealt with and a resolution found.
if you all genuinely feel the way you’ve made out in these posts you don’t deserve to have your step children or there parent.
children deserve nothing but unconditional love regardless of who there parents are or how there bio parents treat you, this is completely out of the children’s control

Flowers94 👏👏👏

Thank you for posting this. People like the OP and others who openly and proudly admit they have no love lost for their step children are so crass and petty. I agree that all children need love and if they grow up with adults who loathe them, it follows them their whole life. Some of the second wives here sound so immature. Ooopsieeees, I never thought that marrying a man with children could be complicated. How vacuous. Try and be a decent human being, maybe.

It's hard work but I love being a stepmum. The house is filled with laughter some of the time and the kids are all growing up and it's nice to hear their interests. I get the best of both worlds- siblings for my own child but I don't have the responsibility for all of them!

It lovely that you can all spend time together but unfortuenly that’s not the norm for many of us.

The mother of my dsd however is a nut job and I wouldn’t waste any of my life chatting to her.

To everyone posting 'my dh loves my children equally to his own', what makes you so sure?
I never loved my sc, I cared for them and made sure they had everything needed, took them out for fun days etc. I never loved them though, definitely nothing close to my own children. My husband never asked if I loved them, but he wouldn't have guessed either way.
Loving actions should be enough, my sc had a mother and a father to love them as do my own children.
As long as the kids are being treated well loving them just isn't necessary.

Yes @Jazzappledelish their ages made no difference.They'd had a very distant/difficult/contentious relationship with their mother into adulthood, but ours deteriorated over 2/3 years of "intense" toxicity & malicious intent and their volte-face was staggering/unexpected & did not reconcile with what went before. They'd chosen to spend lots of time with us/lived here on & off/holidayed with us/we looked after their children etc
No doubt they have reasons/i've committed "crimes" & there must have been long-held resentments but when the gas-lighting began & I realised whatever I did/said was now being viewed through a very different lens - I removed myself. I'm not naive enough to believe all was "rosy" & there must have been issues - but I'm no match for their mother's capacity to cause harm (which has affected others adversely/seriously - not connected to me) & absolutely no good will come from me engaging. It was becoming the defintion of self-harm.

It was very sad, after many years of a different landscape, but DH became very stressed (has health-issues) & was "floundering" /non-plussed by all & felt he was "in the middle" - but I told him that there was no "middle" as I'm no longer there & there's no approbation/adversity from me
I focus on the good/fulfilling relationships I have with my DC's/Grandhildren & I have a lot of other blessings & sometimes life-challenges where I can make a positive difference.
Sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Paraphrasing - but that saying about God give me strength to change things & to know when I can't etc

I was wondering this.

So many of the stepparents have openly admitted to not loving their SC like their own but all the step dads apparently do love their SC like their own?! Doesn’t quite add up…

To me they come first every single time

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

I agree. Some horrible people who think they are more important than their DH's children. They need to get over themselves.