AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

Sorry you had such a shit experience with a horrible woman and that your dad was a spineless shit, no child deserves that but judging by this thread there's plenty of grown women who'd do the same as your step mother if not worse (human fucking shield). Sounds like you were better off without the pair of them.

What an utterly vile thing to say. Ew.

It’s so bad. Wth are some people thinking.

Definitely wouldn't be for me, I don't have the patience for my own kids sometimes let alone someone else's! Also I wouldn't blame people for getting their own kids first as that just genetic hard wiring. Maternal instinct and drive is very strong.

They wont pick up on it, it's a subconscious thing.
We all want our family to live on.
Enough studies have shown this.

It's not normally mentioned but eh! So what if a random on a internet forum actually types it.

What exactly are the chances it would ever need to be put into action?
Slim to none. So it's more theoretical than practical.

So, if you split up with your current partner, you'd be happy to have a relationship with a guy who liked you but wanted to get rid of your dc?

You know you have the option to build a more positive relationship with those dc, if you wanted? Rather than just deciding to treat them like the second class family dc.

I don't think you can seperately have a relationship with a partner and just view their dc as a hinderence to be tolerated. I don't think a decent human could, anyway. It's so damaging.

I can't imagine that I'd ever be willing to be a step parent or introduce one into my children's lives.

I think I'd be willing to have a relationship with a parent but live separately and keep our live fairly independent of each other.

I have seen it work but it was very much the exception. In this case step mum actively wanted to meet someone with kids and embraced that.

Other blended situations got better as the kids grew up and others blew up when the kids became adults and voted with their feet.

I don't think it's a situation that works if you're tolerating it/then because you want the relationship. You need to want it IMO and you need to genuinely care about the children involved. They're not choosing to have adults brought into their lives.

I also think people need to spend a lot more time getting to know each other and sussing this stuff out before committing. How often do we hear that couples are living together and having a new set of children very quickly.

I've been a step child of someone who didn't care about me and a child of a parent who didn't think for a minute how that affected me. They went through the motions but it was obvious.

People must think kids are stupid but they understand/feel/see a lot more than we think they do.

I can't imagine that I'd ever be willing to be a step parent or introduce one into my children's lives.

I think I'd be willing to have a relationship with a parent but live separately and keep our live fairly independent of each other.

Yes I would definitely want to live my life separate to any man that has children. Especially if those children are little as I wouldn’t want anything to do with parenting them. I’d be absolutely fine if he felt the same way, quite elated actually as it shows we’d be on the same page. Plus my children don’t need a stepdad and they DEFINITELY 100% don’t need any stepsiblings.

I’d be more than happy to keep my romantic life separate to my life as a mum.

Especially if it avoids being a stepmum.

I’m happily married but I’d never get involved with a man who already had children if I was to ever split from DH. I wouldn’t want my children to share a house with a man who wasn’t their dad, and I hate the idea of my children going to their dads and having a step mum there who secretly wished they didn’t exist.

What am I thinking?

that I can pretend I wouldn’t prioritise my own children in the event of an emergency

but that would be bull shit

So why not be honest about it 🤷‍♀️

But seeing as it is for the very reason that i would be a shit step parent and that I never in a month of Sundays went my children sharing their home with a step parent or step siblings…. No child will come to any harm as a result of my stance 😂

I have both Stepmum and Dad. My SM is one of my best friends, been with my dad since I was 4 and my SD with my mum since I was 5. I also have 5 siblings between my mum and dad that are my stepparents children. We’ve all been treated exactly the same and all equally loved. Appreciate my actual parents probably love me more but in both homes I had a happy healthy up bringing. To speak to venomously about someone you loves children is bizarre to me! Maybe you all had odd parent relationships? Maybe think about how tough it can be for the kids having a frosty stepparent like you. Dont marry someone with kids if you dont want them around. And I’m sure you’d be beside yourself if your DH uttered a word about your precious babies. Grow up witches

The person that really sticks out in your horrific childhood is your father. What an absolutely vile man

Holy shit, some of these comments. I work with challenging teens - some of them are so difficult that they can't even be in class - and I hold them in much higher regard than some of you do your own stepchildren. I care about them deeply.
Those who say your stepchildren come last in the pecking order, why did you psychos ever get involved with someone with kids?? Your heart clearly isn't big enough for the role.

Im child free by choice and would never date a man with children

You’re right

my heart isn’t “big enough for the role” because it is completely consumed by my own children

Hence - will never be a step mother
mI can’t imagine feeling the way I do and yet still marrying someone with children

I’m a step daughter and my DH is step dad to my eldest two. My step mother was better than either of my parents. I lived with her and my dad from the age of 6 and when they divorced when I was 15 I stayed with her and refused to go to my dad’s at weekends with my younger siblings. MyDH has not always found it easy - his relationship with my daughter was fraught at times but he has always been there. I’m always pretty appalled at the step parenting threads on MN. My DH and I share money and there was never any question about him supporting all three children. MN - thankfully is nothing like my experience of the real world.

We are a blended family. People never realise my DH isn't father to my eldest two kids as he loves them and at least from the outside anyway treats them all equally. We are a very happy and settled family unit. I wouldn't base your opinion on step families on what you read as obviously you are more likely to post about a negative experience than a positive one.

@DinoDaddy does your dh have children

In my experience is what they all think. Everybody would save their own child first, it’s why I never used to Childminder who was a stay at home parent with their own kid, if mine ran into the road at the same time as theirs , who are they gonna grab first?

I would also say stepparenting is all fine and dandy unless you split up and then it’s absolutely awful for the child involved who basically goes through it all again 2 divorce in a childhood is more than any child have to tolerate

All this human shield stuff is messed up.

I won't ever be a step parent. If anything happened to DH i wouldn't be going near anyone with children, and i wouldnt be bringing another partner into my children's lives either.

I don't know anyone at all for whom it's worked well for the children, and i know many many adults who hated growing up in blended families.

So for the anti stepkids. If you kids were to unfortunately lose their partner when they are older and the children are young or they were to divorce and then remarried. Would you or would you not be horrified if their new step parent thought about them this way? Would you expect your child to stay single forever