Left out of family holiday

[Nmum21]

My parents are away in Greece having booked earlier in the year - originally just for themselves. However since booking they have now invited all of my siblings (x3) plus a partner. We were not invited.

We have two children and I feel like they didn’t want us there. I hate to feel like I’m an inconvenience or not wanted because of the kids.

I get they probably want a child free holiday, but think it was quite thoughtless to invite everyone else in the family except for us. I can’t help feeling hurt about it.

To top it off they are now posting pictures and posts of their wonderful holiday.

Am I being unfair to feel this way?

Absolutely. My parents absolutely love my son and my nieces but they’ve done their years of holidays with children and now prefer a small quiet place where they can relax by pool in peace and enjoy leisurely evenings - all outside of peak season.

Maybe your siblings asked to be invited and you didn’t. However, when it turned into being everyone except you they should have asked.

How old are the DC? Are they school age?

Yes but then you go alone, surely? You don't invite every sibling bar one?!

I am sorry. That is awful. I had years of being single and then infertility. I was always included and got to be a very involved auntie. Not just to my siblings children either but also those of close friends. How could they not see your worth just for who you are? I hope that you have managed to build up a relationship with the children that will last into the age when they will want to see you as adults.

OP. That is tough for you too. If they are going during term time then they may just have assumed that you couldn't come but a conversation about it wouldn't have gone amiss. I agree with others though. We now have 1 child and a holiday with her is quite different as it has to revolve around her needs to a large extent. We go to bed early and we are always on the go doing something. My in-laws love holidays with us as they get quality time with her. My mum would probably rather stick hot pins in her eyes. I am fine with that because I understand the personalities involved but there is less unfairness in our side of the family as we all have children now and mum definitely holidays as far from us all as possible.

I actually feel your pain with this, my DP and I have experienced similar with his side of the family (we are all very close) for the last 2 years.

Lots of adult holidays and weekends away being booked and it’s so easy to feel left out and upset. I do understand they want child free holidays but at the same time it would have been nice to be asked or explained because it is upsetting.

I had really got upset about it (we’ve been together 14years) and in the end, asked the family if they wanted to come away with us 1) for Christmas to a child friendly but luxury hotel that we had chosen and 2) we have booked a staycation with the grandparents only for summer for them to enjoy their grandchild. They then at least can do different things with both of their children, no one is left out and by me suggesting things it actually seemed to make them want to do more things with us which I didn’t expect! Also because it’s on your terms you can ensure that the places are child friendly, which child free adults wouldn’t think of.

Sometimes just reaching out to organise something for everyone can work wonders, it did for us! Good luck 🥰

I think this is awful of your family.

If they had spoken to you and said “we’d love to include you but the place isn’t suitable for kids” or “we really want a peaceful adult holiday, I hope you understand” and “hopefully we’ll be able to do something more child friendly with you another time”

then it might be ok.

But to just invite the other siblings without speaking to you to explain why you aren’t being included and to apologise if it is hurtful? That’s just not ok.

One of the worst things that a family member can do, ie parents, is to exclude other family members. Whatever the reasons, a simple discussion could have sorted any misunderstandings.
Exclusion is a poweful act of complete selfishness. To exclude people whether it by religious or family is one of the cruelest things.
You need to hold your breath, invite your parents over and ask them why you have been excluded. It is also about their grandchildren too. Not liking children is no excuse as you would be caring for them. Perhaps, you could meet halfway if finance was the issue.
Either way, excluding/disfellowshipping (in religions) can be distressing for the people excluded. It can also be a form of discrimination.

It’s an incredibly shitty thing to do. It was done to me once and I felt very hurt.

I have three grown children and never in a million years would I leave any of them out, I would invite all or none. They definitely should have had a conversation with you about this before they went. I’d be surprised if none of your siblings hadn’t brought the subject up with them.
I would be very upset if it happened to us.

I’d be quite hurt too.

I think it’s completely reasonable for them to want an adult only trip. You can love your kids/grands and still want to do adult only things. I think it was unreasonable for them not to invite you. “I know you may not want to arrange to leave DC for it, but if you’d like to consider it, we’d love to also have your company for the trip.” How hard is that?
Maybe you’d have gone. Maybe you’d have made arrangements to go for a shorter portion of the trip. Quite likely you’d have passed, but they are no longer excluding you as you instead are making your own decision whether to go.

My parents were are all about being fair. They'd invite all or none.

I'd feel a bit hurt if I were you, OP.

You're not being unfair in feeling hurt. They have left 1 out of 4 children out from their invitation. They should have invited you and your DP and explained that it was adults only and they'd like you to make arrangements for the DC to go to ILs etc. That would have been fair and if you couldn't get childcare and then turned down the invite, it wouldn't feel so hurtful. At least you would have known you were wanted. I do understand that they wanted an adults only holiday, but it shouldn't be a reason not to invite you.

I'd unfollow them as you are finding it upsetting. When speaking about it afterwards, I'd be honest about my feelings and then let it go, move on and do my own thing. However, I wouldn't worry so much in the future about their feelings on matters where I would have done so before. By this I mean that I wouldn't feel obliged to do things/go for Christmas/attend events/dog sit when asked and would only agree to something if it suited me.

She is, I love her very much. I call her and my stepdad my silver linings because without my parents getting divorced we wouldn't have them in our lives

Safe to presume - there will be a huge backstory to this family dynamic that completely explains why her parents made this decision

But she never takes the heat off you and organises get togethers?

Well quite frankly, why should she? I'm my Dad's child not hers. I hold no grudges with her behaviour at all, she's rightly enjoying her grandchild in the way I believe my Dad should be enjoying his. She's brilliant with my kids, engages with them when we visit or they come here, she's first to be colouring with them, asking what they're up to etc.

Is this the first occasion you've been left out of a family get together/holiday?, or has this happened before?

It's really hurtful when you get left out of family celebrations/ holidays and can have a lifelong effect on you.... is it worth having a conversation with your parents when they get back?

You could say something along the lines of, " you all look like you were having a fantastic time, I thought you and dad were the only ones going?!"

she shouldn’t have to - you are right.

i am just surprised that given she knows the uselessness of her husband and yet still she still presumably wants family get togethers - that she doesn’t want to

are you the only other adult apart from you dad and sm?

Yes, if they did ask, it would be common courtesy to let the rest of the family know. Could it be that the sibling partners do not get on? There could be unhealthy competitiveness amongst some families.
However, if a sibling wants to treat their parents to a special occasion/holiday, it would not be the same situation.

Family lives is complex and it may not be as straight forward as it looks. I;m guessing that partners are involved in the rift, possibly?

I'd be heartbroken. Just thinking the way I treat both my kids and make sure everything is fair. Couldn't go on a holiday and not invite one. Guess we are pretty lucky as both sets of grandparents fight to go on holiday with us and are so honoured when asked.

@Lesssugarketchup I have a sister too, she lives nearer to my Dad so sees them more but mainly because she's always asking my Dad for DIY help etc and I have my husband or myself for that. My sister was always the favourite growing up so I've just gone from second to 6th!

Yes, if they did ask, it would be common courtesy to let the rest of the family know.

Not, as I suspect, if there is a backstory which means absolutely no one in this family wanted the Op to come and indeed very rarely socialise as a family if at all also because of the backstory

On the other hand, there could be a lot of misunderstanding too.
If parents are elderly, it might be that the siblings want to treat them on a special occassion. Sometimes, elderly relatives are often forgotten of their needs.
Perhaps they have been on holiday with you before? Or maybe they spend a lot of time with you and not the other siblings because they do not have children?
Usually, two sides to a story!

I am not defending them but just stating the obvious.

Wowzers....so your parents only have one set of grandchildren and they don't want to holiday with them.....😟