Left out of family holiday

[Nmum21]

My parents are away in Greece having booked earlier in the year - originally just for themselves. However since booking they have now invited all of my siblings (x3) plus a partner. We were not invited.

We have two children and I feel like they didn’t want us there. I hate to feel like I’m an inconvenience or not wanted because of the kids.

I get they probably want a child free holiday, but think it was quite thoughtless to invite everyone else in the family except for us. I can’t help feeling hurt about it.

To top it off they are now posting pictures and posts of their wonderful holiday.

Am I being unfair to feel this way?

YANBU - I would feel exactly the same if I was in your shoes. If there had been a conversation beforehand about it then it wouldn’t be too bad but I would still be hugely offended if they hadn’t invited me because of my children - their grandchildren and nieces/nephews! I know people have very strong opinions on this - as they do with children at weddings - and children change the dynamic and what you can do on a holiday etc… but that’s the joy of children and they’re a huge part of your life. My family would never do this - we always go away on one big family holiday a year. I was the sibling with no children for a few years and now we’ve all got children and we all just embrace it. Yes, we all have moments when the kids are hot and tired and tempers get a bit frayed but we absolutely love our big family holiday. We go to a wonderful place in Portugal that has excellent facilities and restaurants but that are all family friendly. It must be a British thing to want to leave children out because when you go to Europe it is fabulous to see big families of all generations enjoying time together and children out eating and dancing late at night - and you hardly ever see them having meltdowns and tantrums either

I think it’s really crap that they did this without even discussing with you.

If they’d wanted a child free holiday with your siblings they should have at least taken the time to explain to you.

When my kids were very small, my parents did a holiday where they invited the wider family. I knew that the holiday would be very adult focussed (they’d be wanting very late mealtimes, no one would want to sacrifice their holiday rest to help with childcare etc) so I just decided not to go. Didn’t help that I knew my then husband (now ex) would leave it all to me on the mistaken assumption “oh someone else will be helping Gertrude” - as though childcare wasn’t equally his job to do.

But there was no drama - I just chose not to go.

I was the only one with small children (then 1 and 6) at the time and am still the only one with children of their generation - they’re older now but in fact the venue of choice would be quite excruciating for a teen who likes their privacy.

My in laws did this to us as well. It really hurts doesn't it :(

I find this so weird. How can you go on holidays with all your kids bar one and not think it’s mean? Especially without discussion.

I cannot imagine my parents doing this. I would never do this to my kids.

People are so so selfish. You only have a read a wedding thread, or one about accommodating a child with disabilities to see this now. It’s depressing.

Yet another thread where adults seem incapable of having a reasonable discussion with their parents. Be offended, sulk, disengage or do any thing that avoids saying"why wasn't I invited mum?"

‘It must be a British thing to want to leave children out because when you go to Europe it is fabulous to see big families of all generations enjoying time together and children out eating and dancing late at night’

In many Asian countries too. Wonder if it’s the crap weather here that makes everyone so selfish, uptight and insular 🤷🏼‍♀️

Even if they did want a child free holiday they've been really out of order by telling you that.

Just going on holiday without you, without any explanation, leaves things open to interpretation and that's incredibly unfair.

I think you need to raise this with them as it's been handled incredibly badly.

It's a really shitty thing to do.

You're a better person than me for resisting a 'Nice for some!' comment on those holiday photo posts!

Sorry, I meant they have been out of order for NOT telling you the reasson, no matter what it is.

I would be peeved too.

Who exactly is paying? If parents are picking up the tab for everyone that would be infuriating!

Your parents booked a holiday during term time (because it’s cheaper?) and then others went with them?

Maybe you weren’t asked as they suspected it wouldn’t be possible?

Even if they did want a child free holiday they've been really out of order by telling you that

How on earth is that out of order? They wanted a child free holiday and told OP. Would them keeping this fact a state secret have been preferable? They were honest and open from the start. They wanted a child free holiday, which is completely understandable. Others who also wanted the same thing at the same time ragged along. OP has children, and was told it was child free from the get-go so presumably did not ask to tag along.

That’s it for me too. I totally understand wanting a child free holiday - now my DS is 18 I love the fact I can holiday in June and September with friends in relative peace and pay half as much as if it was august.

However I would feel pretty hurt if there hasn’t been a conversation beforehand.

I think the sneaky way they’ve gone about it is unreasonable and you should have a discussion with them about it when you next meet.

IMHO some people with kids are infinitely harder work to go on holiday with than others, eg people who never discipline or implement boundaries, people who expect others to share childcare etc or expect everyone to plan everything around them. Some people with kids just muck in as well as knowing when to graciously bow out of activities/events and/or their kids are not so demanding/high maintenance. Could you fall somewhere within this category but they’re nervous of saying anything to you because of how you might react?

Or, OP could act like a grown up and just talk to them about it when they’re back. Honestly, the utter inability of people on here to even consider basic communication, let-alone actually undertake it is mind blowing.

There MUST be loads we're not being told here - all the plans must have been discussed in the presence of everyone in the months leading up to the trip?! They didn't just sneak off secretly!

As someone else mentioned, it could well be term time so obviously not even mentioning. Or maybe it's just that the kids are living nightmares and the OP's parents prefer cocktails in Mykonos!

I think it’s fair enough, children massively change the dynamic of a holiday and rarely for the better e.g. early dinners, arranging days round naps, micro planning each day, date limitations due to school holidays etc. I say this as someone with young children. But they should have at least advised you of this

children change the dynamic and what you can do on a holiday etc… but that’s the joy of children and they’re a huge part of your life

Well, what those who don’t have young children can do on a holiday is choose not to holiday with someone else’s young children. They’re a huge part of their parents’ lives, not everyone else’s.

I would be so very hurt.

My DParents wouldn't dream of doing this! Never in a million years.

YANBU, that's properly shit of your parents. So presumably now each year that a sibling has a child they'll be disinvited from any family holidays? Dick heads. My parents wouldn't dream of doing that.

Well, presumably a huge part of their grandparents lives?!

I saw this post on Facebook and created an account to reply.
This happened to my parents. My mum is one of 4. My maternal grandma passed away before I was born and my maternal granddad had a new partner. We suspect what happened wouldn't have if my grandma was still alive.
My parents were regularly left our of things. Invites over, family weekends away, even my uncle's 40th. My paternal grandparents were very supportive and absolutely would have babysat my brother and I while they were with my mum's side. They did put it down to them having kids while my mum's sisters and brother didn't. However, when my auntie had my cousin, nothing changed. She was still invited and my parents were left out. It turned out my grandad's partners adult kids were also invited. The tipping point was finding out a few months after that my uncle had had a 40th birthday party and my parents were left out. On the bright side, I got a guilt present from my uncle's partner in the shape of my first pair of converse (mum didn't want to waste money on brands that didn't give enough arch support).
Basically after all that came to light, my mum went no contact for years with her family. My granddad died a few years ago, and his partner essentially banned her from the funeral. She briefly was on good terms with both of my aunties, but there was another falling out over the will - me and my brother had both been cut out. One of my aunties gave us a 1/4 of her share, my other refused to. My mum only sees the first auntie, hasn't spoken to the other since that incident and hasn't seen my uncle since she first went no contact. For her, it just wasn't worth being made to feel like rubbish by her own family.

Was it a villa or hotel? If it was a villa possibly there were not enough bedrooms to invite everyone, probably the booking specified no children. Are you and your husband in a better position financially than your siblings, there are so many reasons parents choose not to take every single adult child away with them. Do you & your siblings argue, have you been away with your parents & your children & did you use them as a free babysitting service whilst away? See, lots of reasons.

Wait so what if the grandparents who I am assuming are on their 60s at least want a nice relaxed holiday without having to run around children ? That doesn’t mean they don’t love them it means that they may not have the energy to run around toddler for many many days!

Possibly, but also maybe not, on a day to day basis. And even if they are, the grandparents may not want to spend their holiday around young children and having to cater for them in terms of meal times, activities, entertainment, childcare etc.