to ask why this isn't being addressed as a huge sexist issue that frankly shits on women completely?!

[howaboutl]

I know some men are in this position but let’s be honest, it’s mostly women. Why isn’t there outrage about this? If there is how do I join and help make change?

My ex partner walked out on me and dd when she was 1. He doesn’t see her, his choice entirely. He has no other children and doesn’t live with any other children. I am left to pay a childcare bill of 1,300 alone, while he contributes 500 quid when he is working. He works on temporary contracts so now and then I receive nothing despite him having in excess of 100k savings.

How is this accepted that I pay our child’s childcare bill alone? Is it just that there aren’t actually that many women (or men to lesser extent) in this situation so nothing is down about it because in the grand scheme of things we are a minority?

I cannot understand why I am expected to pay for OUR child’s nursery bill so we can both work? Why am I footing the bill for this and he is not?

Because he's a prick

Yanbu to be angry. It isn't fair.

Totally agree with you. I think all childcare bills should be split if you've separated. That should be on top of child maintenance payments. It's outrageous that women are having to pay so much when their exes pay virtually nothing.

It is a massive feminist issue. Raised constantly by feminists. The problem is that the people with power are typically men (so actively invested in keeping the status quo) or wealthy (so childcare isn't an issue).

Write to your MP, start a petition, lobby.

It’s a fucking disgrace. Yanbu.

Although at least you don't have to worry about negotiating access and childcare etc

I guess because childcare is a choice (I’m not suggesting you are wrong) and because there are so many variables it’s impossible to calculate it fairly

@MrsTerryPratchett thanks, would that be the best way to go about it? I will certainly write to MP. I think it’s absurd that this is acceptable, OUR child, OUR childcare bill… pretty simple?

I agree, it’s disgraceful.

@Makemyday99 neither of our employer’s would allow us to bring our child to work so I don’t consider it a choice unless women are expected not to work.

I do see where you are coming from though.

I have nothing useful to say but I share your disbelief about this. How can he not be liable for at least half of the child care costs?

Childcare isn't a choice for a single parent, it's a necessity. The DWP expect you to work and for most child maintenance is not enough to live of without working. Therefore Childcare is necessary.

Now who can we think of who has a child where there is no contact and indeed tried to have the courts allow him to keep quiet about? Was it a man who was Prime Minister for three years recently, some of whose party still regard as wonderful?

Absolutely, I know it’s not a choice you have if you need to work I meant the powers that be would determine it a choice and not a necessity. It’s likely that if there was such policy that meant both parents were required to split the fees then one parent would argue that the nursery was more expensive than another one closer to them, hours in nursery would be disputed…it’s just not manageable for an outside body to regulate & have jurisdiction on..hope that makes sense. But no it really isn’t fair at all.

I understand your point - but it's the same in coupled families too, it's mostly seen as an expense that the woman has to meet and if her salary isn't enough to cover childcare, she's the one that has to quit work. (rather than seeing it as a joint expense that's met from both salaries).

I'd say the issue is far deeper than who pays the costs - it's about the view of society that looking after the children is the woman's role

If you want to challenge this from a single parents perspective - maybe it's about challenging the CMS to recognise that childcare costs should be part of the maintenance calculation. (Which would mean that they have to look at the way they calculate maintenance completely differently I think).

I bet it's not impossible! Taxes have lots of variables and someone manages to calculate them pretty well.

Also, childcare isn't a choice unless working is a choice. And if working is a choice, who funds the option not to work?

@Makemyday99 Is childcare really a choice?

I think parents of school aged children (if claiming benefits) are expected to seek employment, and rightly so. As a tax payer, I wouldn't want to pay for OP to stay at home on benefits when she's fit and able to work and the child's father has 100K in savings ie well able to contribute to cost of childcare

Similarly, I always thought it was weird that my uni loans etc. were assessed based on just my mother's income, why did my father get a free pass? Don't know if that's changed at all.

I understand your point - but it's the same in coupled families too, it's mostly seen as an expense that the woman has to meet and if her salary isn't enough to cover childcare, she's the one that has to quit work. (rather than seeing it as a joint expense that's met from both salaries).

@SybilWrites that's one of the many things I hate about the "man with a big job" mentality. It undermines equality and I'm surprised how many people ignore that. In relationships where both parents earn around the same, I don't think the cost of childcare is viewed as the woman's responsibility

Absolutely right OP.

Also we don't have enough reciprocity with countries where the father fucks off out of the jurisdiction.

I don't think there has been a decent debate about this in Parliament for a while, a petition on this might provoke one.

The sex matters one (about amending the equality act) achieved that recently.

Well the option is that there's no childcare, in which case one of the couple would have to stop work. Hardly a real option, is it?

Yanbu it’s a disgrace. So many men don’t pay for their children. Then it’s all about mens rights when they want contact. Women are told the two are separate and they must make the child available, be positive about him no matter how little he does to support the child. I really feel for you must be really hard to go through this.

Yanbu.

Are you claiming everything you can to aid with the childcare costs? Tax free childcare allowance, plus checking you can't have help with the childcare bills via UC/tax credits as a lone parent?

He works on temporary contracts so now and then I receive nothing despite him having in excess of 100k savings

Obviously too late now, but this is why these boards are full of women saying "marry before kids". Half of his assets minimum would have been available as part of a divorce settlement.

Strictly childcare is a choice as you could theoretically choose to dump your child on the non resident parent and flee. Like he did to you.
Only obviously the mother isn't likely to do that so...!