to ask why this isn't being addressed as a huge sexist issue that frankly shits on women completely?!

[howaboutl]

I know some men are in this position but let’s be honest, it’s mostly women. Why isn’t there outrage about this? If there is how do I join and help make change?

My ex partner walked out on me and dd when she was 1. He doesn’t see her, his choice entirely. He has no other children and doesn’t live with any other children. I am left to pay a childcare bill of 1,300 alone, while he contributes 500 quid when he is working. He works on temporary contracts so now and then I receive nothing despite him having in excess of 100k savings.

How is this accepted that I pay our child’s childcare bill alone? Is it just that there aren’t actually that many women (or men to lesser extent) in this situation so nothing is down about it because in the grand scheme of things we are a minority?

I cannot understand why I am expected to pay for OUR child’s nursery bill so we can both work? Why am I footing the bill for this and he is not?

I understand your point - but it's the same in coupled families too, it's mostly seen as an expense that the woman has to meet and if her salary isn't enough to cover childcare, she's the one that has to quit work. (rather than seeing it as a joint expense that's met from both salaries). not in this house it's not

@DontBePassiveAggresive UC isn't open to all, I was declined any assistance with childcare bill and my parents (I am eternally grateful for it) make a financial contribution monthly towards my childcare bill.

If they didn't, I would be forced to reduce my income to fall into the UC bracket, which would then take me out of affordability for my mortgage.

What if he can’t afford it though.
Your ex sounds like a shitbag op btw.
But what if he genuinely doesn’t have the money?

I think you have to be careful what you wish for. Both parents have to independently pay for their own adult expenses (rent, food, utlities etc). The cost of the child is costs above that. I think if that cost was spit 50/50 between mother and father and required to come from generated employment income from both parties - a lot of women would also struggle to come up with x amount of employment income to put in the pot each month that was solely for the child and on top of / in addition to their own living expenses. I do think it would be fair but in some cases it would be the father struggling to meet that amount and sometimes the mother.

It is Disgraceful.
Have you had specialist legal advice re a schedule 1 Childrens Act Application if he is a high net worth individual with 100k in savings?
https://www.edwardsfamilylaw.co.uk/post/how-to-secure-financial-support-and-child-maintenance-from-a-high-earner

Agree. It is outrageous.

I was left in the same situation and every time my life took another step forward like buying a car, moving to a better job etc he would drop another school holiday so I was left to find the whole bill. He told me several times I should pay it all as I clearly had the cash. I didn't, I struggled every school holiday and whilst he was on cruises or on fancy holidays with his new wife and child my children were in holiday clubs and had no actual holiday because all my money had to cover the weeks he was supposed to have them but wouldn't.
I'm less bitter as I'm in a good financial position, the kids are late teens and over the last six years he's seen them for one week in august. It doesn't matter now but at the time it was awful.

If Op failed to ensure child was cared for whilst at work she would be potentially prosecuted for neglect, possibly manslaughter if child dies yet he can choose to work and make no arrangements for his child to be cared for with zero repercussions.

It’s utterly infuriating isn’t it. It’s been like this since my eldest (now teen) was a baby. Ex always used to say ‘why should I pay for you to work’ conveniently forgetting that the costs were so we could both work.

I’ve spent upwards of 100k of childcare, while he’s lied, cheated and swindled his way out of paying child maintenance!

It should absolutely be a legal requirement for the childcare bill to be split equally between parents. It’s appalling that it’s not.

personally I think that if someone leaves a relationship and abandons their responsibilities whether it be marriage vows or a child, then that should be a punishable offence in the court of law. Of course there are good reasons why people leave relationships and even their own children (mental health issues etc) but if it’s just flat out abandonment like in your case it’s not fair he gets to walk off into the sunset and definitely not fair you’re expected to pay all the nursery fees.

I totally agree with this.

I think the way maintenance payments are calculated is totally unfair to the resident parent (usually the mother). And also lots of the fathers have no real idea of (or interest in) the true cost and responsibility of properly bringing up a child.

I used to work in an office with quite a lot of fathers who saw their DC every other weekend. Lots of them talked very openly about how much they had to pay their ex-wives in maintenance and how extortionate this was. They were generally in agreement that they worked long hours and had to effectively pay their ex wives' mortgages and enable them to just work part time. They couldn't get their heads around the fact that their ex wives had to pay for child care, food, clothes, toys, school expenses and everything else and mainly worked part time hours to be able to be available at nursery/after school club collection time. Nor did it occur to them that if their ex-wives were not looking after their DC most of the time (including often switching weekends/agreeing to later pick ups etc at short notice so that they could go to work events etc) it would be much harder for them to have progressed in their careers.

One of these fathers in particular considered himself to be a wonderful Dad but bragged about keeping his maintenance payments to a minimum so that his ex/DD had to ask him for extras like music lessons, expensive school trips, sports equipment, concert tickets etc. His view was that this way his DD still got everything she wanted but knew that it came from him.

I agree.

I always think this.

If I acted like my DDs dad acted I would be arrested for neglect, have social services involvement and probably never be allowed to keep any future children that I have.

Yet a man can wash his hands of any responsibility and not have any repercussions at all and go on to continue having as many children as he wants.
In my situation he pipes up every couple of years and tells anyone who will listen that I’ve stopped him from seeing her etc and he gets sympathy.

These men who walk away from their kids have absolutely no idea whether their kids are being looked after or not.

I'm not. I'm saying that the inherent problem is sexism.

But yes of course it's worse for single parents- I am one and I work with many single parents. I know that the CMS and the UC systems are shit for single parents and that although the non resident parent isn't required to pay for childcare under the CMS, the resident parent can be sanctioned for not taking up jobs (and paying for childcare) under UC. I'd say that, in the absence of all the dads stepping up to the plate and paying for their children, both the child maintenance and the universal credit rules need changing.

And that for even those single parents who aren't on UC, it's still hugely unfair that they have to pick up the bill for childcare.

This is exactly the reason why taxes should be higher and childcare should be properly funded. There is no way to make childcare costs fair. You could have something choose an unaffordabily expensive nursery or the ex partner could just leave the country. The way it is at the moment if parents of the child in question paid 50/50 each at full cost of childcare, it could make them all homeless and/or jobless which isn't in anyone's best interest.

It’s a disgrace.

They should actually start doing what they do in the USA and garnish wages and put people in prison for non payment of child maintenance.

Here’s it’s pretty much oh well we’ll take the bare minimum or a pound out of his benefits and that’ll do. If he doesn’t pay even that then eh you’re on your own lady.

@Tlolljs the OP clearly states that her ex has £100k in the bank.

Why should the OP (or the taxpayer) be responsible for paying his % of the childcare bill for his child, that he create, a service which enables him to work, whilst he has six-figures in the bank?

Both CMS and paying for childcare penalise women (in the main) and yet it's still "single mums" who are stigmatised, whilst single dads are seen as godlike.

If a Mum walked away and said here's a couple of hundred £ a month, I'll leave you to raise our child ex; society would shame her. But men do this ALL the time and still it's seen as fine.

Good for you OP for raising this issue, I'd happily sign a petition to get men who don't pay child support imprisoned. It IS child neglect and should be treated as such.

Because it’d cost more to administer than the benefit would be. Same reason maintenance is worked out on bands of 52, 105 night etc rather than a percentage; same reason child benefits go to one parent rather than split by custody agreement.

What’s to stop you claiming the money for nursery then keeping it and keeping your daughter at home? What if your nanny varies her hours every week? What about costs of variable lunches and snacks and nappies? It’d be an administrative nightmare.

YANBU. The CM payments are calculated to make sure the non custodial parent ( usually the man) is able to have a decent standard of living after paying support, even if that means the resident parent ( usually the woman) and child do not. There are also lots of loopholes built in to enable men to reduce payments or avoid paying altogether. It’s an absolute disgrace and I absolutely believe it’s allowed to stand as it mainly affects women. And because all the parties are too scared of pissing off male voters. Because an awful lot of men, even otherwise seemingly decent ones, seem very keen to avoid paying if they can.

It's a shit situation. I never received a single penny from DD1's father. He had nothing to do with her, he ensured he was always self-employed and fiddled his earnings, putting them in his wife's name later on, so that he never had to pay anything. Despite having a 35 foot yacht, a house, several cars and a professional job.

I wish men that failed to pay child support were imprisoned, as they are in some states in the US.

I wish men that failed to pay child support were imprisoned, as they are in some states in the US

I’d support this. It would send a pretty clear message that it’s socially unacceptable not to support your own child.

I couldn’t just not work otherwise I would have to claim benefits for DD’s sake.

This is the issue. Plenty of women do ‘just not work’ and claim benefits instead. Or they choose to work as few hours as possible and claim benefits instead of working out how to support themselves. And there is help to pay for childcare.

If we start forcing fathers into paying for their children no matter what, then we have to force mothers to do the same because we live in a country that is striving for equality. There would be uproar if we started telling mothers they are financially responsible for their children and themselves and they can’t claim benefits anymore, and understandably so.

As long as mothers are able to make other people (taxpayers) financially responsible for children they choose to have then fathers have to be free to do the same.

Are you saying you are not getting any help from the government towards childcare costs? If not, you must be earning plenty.

Most women in your situation do and so tax payers are also expected to help because the relationship broke down.

Being a single mum is hard, I was one but it comes with amazing rewards. Your ex is missing out on all the love you get from your DD.

I had exactly the same thought.

I do think the driving licence thing they do in USA sounds sensible. For example licence needs renewing every year and they check if you have outstanding maintenance. No payment no licence.

YANBU, OP. It's outrageous.