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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why this isn't being addressed as a huge sexist issue that frankly shits on women completely?!

240 replies

howaboutl · 23/06/2023 15:21

I know some men are in this position but let’s be honest, it’s mostly women. Why isn’t there outrage about this? If there is how do I join and help make change?

My ex partner walked out on me and dd when she was 1. He doesn’t see her, his choice entirely. He has no other children and doesn’t live with any other children. I am left to pay a childcare bill of 1,300 alone, while he contributes 500 quid when he is working. He works on temporary contracts so now and then I receive nothing despite him having in excess of 100k savings.

How is this accepted that I pay our child’s childcare bill alone? Is it just that there aren’t actually that many women (or men to lesser extent) in this situation so nothing is down about it because in the grand scheme of things we are a minority?

I cannot understand why I am expected to pay for OUR child’s nursery bill so we can both work? Why am I footing the bill for this and he is not?

OP posts:
Nepmarthiturn · 25/06/2023 21:45

I’d love to be involved in this. How could we do-ordinate something? Obviously don’t want to say what line of work I am in but I think (hope!) I could be of some use.

We could send PMs with numbers and set up a whatsapp group? I'm not sure how else to go about it?

millymollymoomoo · 25/06/2023 22:00

@BibMeUp

you expect to receive maintenance based on some women’s earnings who is 100% nothing to do with you
if you need / want more money how about YOU earn it not expect some other woman to fund you
thankfully you are being ludicrous

cleanbreak2022 · 25/06/2023 22:23

@howaboutl @millymollymoomoo I'll try to PM you both tomorrow from a desktop and we can go from there

cleanbreak2022 · 25/06/2023 22:23

@millymollymoomoo apologies, didn't mean to @ you.

It was intended for @Nepmarthiturn

ThursdayFreedom · 25/06/2023 23:24

howaboutl · 25/06/2023 20:22

@ThursdayFreedom they are invoiced for their nursery bill. If it’s not paid it is a debt like any other. I don’t think it’s particularly difficult to accept that men should pay 50% of their own child’s childcare.

Show quote history

@howaboutl

Why are you trying to make it look like I said they shouldn't pay? That's pretty crap of you.

nursuries can invoice them, but what if they don't pay?? Who suffers then?? I'll tell you who, the resident parent & the child, that's who. So how is that going to help.

Original poster
howaboutl · 25/06/2023 23:33

ThursdayFreedom · 25/06/2023 23:24

@howaboutl

Why are you trying to make it look like I said they shouldn't pay? That's pretty crap of you.

nursuries can invoice them, but what if they don't pay?? Who suffers then?? I'll tell you who, the resident parent & the child, that's who. So how is that going to help.

Show quote history

@ThursdayFreedom attachments of earnings if they don’t pay. Let’s stop backing women into a corner so they have to put up with this crap. It should come directly out of the scumbag’s pay if they can’t logon to their online banking and make the transfer personally. Just like with cms.

OP posts:
BibMeUp · 25/06/2023 23:44

millymollymoomoo · 25/06/2023 22:00

@BibMeUp

you expect to receive maintenance based on some women’s earnings who is 100% nothing to do with you
if you need / want more money how about YOU earn it not expect some other woman to fund you
thankfully you are being ludicrous

I am not able to work. It is not ludicrous to expect my ex husband to pay for his children.

Kpo58 · 26/06/2023 00:22

Nepmarthiturn · 25/06/2023 19:02

That would be good but still doesn't fix the deliberate discrimination in the tax system that adds a huge additional burden on top of having only one income to support a household and the same person doing all of the caring. Why should they pay more tax on that household income than another family would as well as those inbuilt disadvantages? It's indefensible.

Show quote history

How would you solve this though?

If single families just got a higher tax threshold, then it would be possible for partners masquerading as tenants to get around this loophole and then they would be better off than those with formal partners/married.

BlackeyedSusan · 26/06/2023 00:48

It could be a set amount. A proper set amount taking the average cost of nursery into account not a low amount the government gives for free hours. That way you could choose your nursery. Prove your hours. And get it deducted from his wages.

MarmaladeAndToast · 26/06/2023 04:34

I had not realised this about the inbuilt discrimination against single parent households on taxes. I would also like to join any group that lobbied on this.

Nepmarthiturn · 26/06/2023 11:40

How would you solve this though?

If single families just got a higher tax threshold, then it would be possible for partners masquerading as tenants to get around this loophole and then they would be better off than those with formal partners/married.

The same way that it's possible to detect and prosecute such fraud when it comes to benefits. No reason why it's any harder for taxes, in fact linking up records would probably save costs across both. Plenty of other countries give single parents higher allowances/ thresholds so that they aren't taxed more than other households with the same earnings. I've never seen any mention of widespread fraud being a problem in any of the international reports on these tax systems.

Nepmarthiturn · 26/06/2023 11:41

MarmaladeAndToast · 26/06/2023 04:34

I had not realised this about the inbuilt discrimination against single parent households on taxes. I would also like to join any group that lobbied on this.

That's great.

@cleanbreak2022 @howaboutl it looks like several of us are minded to try to do something to get it changed.

Nepmarthiturn · 26/06/2023 11:44

Interesting that Mumsnet HQ have made no response on the thread despite being tagged. They did say previously they'd do some research with a view to campaigning on this issue but then, silence. Very disappointing really.

AromanticSpices · 26/06/2023 13:48

Nepmarthiturn · 26/06/2023 11:44

Interesting that Mumsnet HQ have made no response on the thread despite being tagged. They did say previously they'd do some research with a view to campaigning on this issue but then, silence. Very disappointing really.

Who did you tag? I'm not sure there is an account called "mumsnet" - it's usually the individual staff, or use Site Stuff or "report post"

cleanbreak2022 · 26/06/2023 14:34

@Nepmarthiturn @howaboutl @MarmaladeAndToast hi, I've pmd you all

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