to ask why this isn't being addressed as a huge sexist issue that frankly shits on women completely?!

[howaboutl]

I know some men are in this position but let’s be honest, it’s mostly women. Why isn’t there outrage about this? If there is how do I join and help make change?

My ex partner walked out on me and dd when she was 1. He doesn’t see her, his choice entirely. He has no other children and doesn’t live with any other children. I am left to pay a childcare bill of 1,300 alone, while he contributes 500 quid when he is working. He works on temporary contracts so now and then I receive nothing despite him having in excess of 100k savings.

How is this accepted that I pay our child’s childcare bill alone? Is it just that there aren’t actually that many women (or men to lesser extent) in this situation so nothing is down about it because in the grand scheme of things we are a minority?

I cannot understand why I am expected to pay for OUR child’s nursery bill so we can both work? Why am I footing the bill for this and he is not?

It’s outrageous. And this

I understand your point - but it's the same in coupled families too, it's mostly seen as an expense that the woman has to meet and if her salary isn't enough to cover childcare, she's the one that has to quit work

is outrageous too!

Can I just add that when an absent parent is on benefits, their child maintenance is an insulting £6 odd a week. Yet this deduction from benefits is deemed the very lowest priority and very often isn't taken if other deductions are due ie utility debts, court fees etc. So men quite often deliberately rack up debts by not paying their share of council tax, rent etc to avoid paying even that paltry child maintenance amount. It should be a priority debt and always deducted

@SeulementUneFois it is utterly absurd that the parent who does right by their child is penalised. I am genuinely going to be writing to my MP and taking this further. It’s barbaric.

@Makemyday99 I think there is an easy way to calculate it. Get the average cost of nursery on the days the resident parent is working, then divide by two and make payment direct to the nursery. Men need to start being forced to behave decently.

Couldn’t agree more OP.

Like maintenance payments too - 16% of salary is what the NRP has to pay… it certainly cost me a lot more than that to feed, clothe and keep a roof over my children’s heads.

@Wishitsnows yes, I know for a fact if he ever wanted contact I would have to be ‘reasonable and fair.’ It would be funny if it weren’t so sad… I’ve brought DD up practically since she was born, totally alone. Yet he can waltz in when he likes. I actually WOULD be positive about it for our daughter’s sake but the very fact that women are supposed to do that when it suits men is disgusting. I have made my peace with what my ex has done and I won’t let it get to me emotionally but I am not prepared to stand back as women are effectively financially abused in broad daylight! Nope, I’m on one with this. Even if nothing changes while DD is young, I hope change comes for her generation.

I deal with divorces daily and whatever a man tells me I want to pay a fair amount of child maintenance o always remind them that will include half of all childcare and school expenses . Do they listen ? No ! The whole way child maintenance is calculated is wrong on many levels as it mostly leave the resident parent with the majority of the expenses . To me doesn’t matter what the fathers or non resident parents are they should be made to pay , find a second job , borrow , whatever . Failure to pay child maintenance should be punishable by jail sentences .

What if the non resident parent could off set that against maintenance though or if the resident parent needed nursery fees full time & earned more than the non resident meaning that they couldn’t afford to live if they were forced to pay it..just a thought.

@Cucucucu exactly… I couldn’t just not work otherwise I would have to claim benefits for DD’s sake. He however can dip in and out of work as he pleases with his chunks of savings.

Luckily, I met him later in life and had already paid off nearly all my own mortgage. Thank God, because the alternative now would be me being unable to progress at work and even save for a deposit! Things need to change.

OP , with the June increase in childcare costs allowable it may be worth you putting in a claim for UC. You might get some help. I've seen a fair few claims in payment for UC when the person is a higher rate tax payer, some even where they earn a six figure sum- in London with higher rent allowances. As long as you have under 16K in capital and savings

@Makemyday99 do you mean off set it as in the child Maintenance happened to cover half the nursery fees with some left over? My point there would be that the child is a joint expense and it isn’t the resident parent’s role to financially support their ex partner, so they must find the funds just as the mother has to (or father, I know it’s not always the mother).

As for whether the mother was wealthier I guess my sentiment still stands that it isn’t her problem to support her ex partner financially but if he actually couldn’t afford to live then I suppose there would be a cut off. I think we can all agree that earnings over 25k can include nursery fees, for example.

For me it is the fact that it is just totally abandoned as an issue. Not even a standard contribution amount is set as a bare minimum. The issue is simply ignored.

I agree with you. It’s amazing what can be done either for capitalist/ profit making purposes or times of crisis (eg covid), but when it comes to fixing issues like this then they are ignored. There must be a way for laws and systems to address this. I just needs the motivation of politicians.

Same boat here, ex walked out on me, and a 15mo old at the time as well as 7yr old.

I pay all childcare and wrap around/holiday care. I get £400 per month CMS and this week have been told by his family 'it's too much' and it needs to be reduced as he is financially struggling and by the way, he wants an additional £5k from the house I bought him out of. He is also now living with family because I have put him in financial difficulties!

Yeah, hang on, let me nip off to the money tree, because as a single parent, with a full time job and two kids to raise I'm rolling in it

@Blackbyrd thank you. I am fortunate that I can pay the fees at present but I am just astonished that the bill is entirely payable by me. I didn’t make our daughter alone!

I agree. If you refused to pay for things for her it would be neglect.
so why is it ok for the non resident?

I understand your point - but it's the same in coupled families too, it's mostly seen as an expense that the woman has to meet and if her salary isn't enough to cover childcare, she's the one that has to quit work. (rather than seeing it as a joint expense that's met from both salaries).

Not here (coupled family). I don't understand why it would be seen as a woman's expense if both parents are around and working? But then we don't have 'mine' and 'his' money, it's family money.

YANBU OP, it's ridiculous.

Wow! What a BRILLIANT post OP! I say go for it. It sounds like we all feel the same way about this, so why not make a stand? I also think, that as well as making an initial contact with your MP, it would also be a good idea to start a petition, as I bet every single woman on MN would sign it, and the more broadly it's published the more signatures you would get. Suggest you have a read of this:

https://petition.parliament.uk/help

Then let us know when it's up and running. Time for us women to stand up for fairness and real equality here in the UK.

Failure to support your child should be legislated as neglect and a criminal offence. That might make the bastards think twice about shirking their responsibilities.

but it's the same in coupled families too, it's mostly seen as an expense that the woman has to meet and if her salary isn't enough to cover childcare, she's the one that has to quit work. (rather than seeing it as a joint expense that's met from both salaries)

No. It's really not the same as 'in coupled families'. A single parent doesn't have the option to not work. The benefits system will no longer allow it. You're comparing apples with pears.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

have you taken him through due process yet?

It's defo not fair. I think you should write a petition.

Don't you get 80% of childcare fee paid by UC?

Yeah this.

It's ridiculous though

Failure to support your child should be legislated as neglect and a criminal offence. That might make the bastards think twice about shirking their responsibilities.

This. Why do we let the non-resident not buy food/clothes/heating when if the resident parent did that it would be clearly seen for the neglect it is.

YANBU This is due to our shit legal system, and almost all the lawyers and judges in it, as well as politicians.

You want it to be assessed on whoever earns less really then you get more