Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

I think this is a factor in why some grandmothers may feel closer to their daughter's children, rather than their son's.

Awful! It’s so much worse when the dh is afraid to stand up boldly. My own dh’s has family members who are so toxic and he was trained to capitulate to them, it was a source of conflict. He ended up blocking them totally although I wanted him to give them a verbal slap down too 😀 but hey I do appreciate that he did deal with them. I can totally relate to your frustration. You deserved a defense from your husband, fil had no right to abuse you like that. Ultra low or no contact is sometimes the only choice one has.

Of course they should. But I expect that my son's children may well have a closer relationship with his partner's mother than with me. I hope that's not what happens, and I'll do my best to help it not happen-but I won't be remotely surprised if it does
Honestly if you're as measured as you seem (and hopefully a future DIL doesn't sign up to the pick me or your mother/my family comes first worldview) then there's no reason not to have that sort of close relationship.

My MIL is an amazing woman. Both me and DH have a good relationship with her and I see her independent of DH. I honestly think it works so well because neither of us have a silly competitive mindset and there was no favouritism between DH and his siblings.

Mea culpa. I thought I'd read the whole thread, but clearly I missed that post.

YABU for posting sarcastic comments on Facebook. That's incredibly childish. It's also unreasonable to expect any childcare from any family member. Lots of us get zero and nobody has the rights to it.

That said, it's your job to stand up for your kids, not to placate the weird family dynamics of your in-laws. The fact is that your MIL has spent years spoiling your DS and spending lots of time with him and has then dropped him out for another child. That is incredibly cruel.

I wouldn't blame you at all for keeping your kids away from all of that. Your DH needs to get some empathy for his child, too. He might have grown up knowing his little sister was favourite but he doesn't need to extend that to his own kids and shouldn't expect you to just accept it either.

You're best off out of it, I think.

Of course they should. But I expect that my son's children may well have a closer relationship with his partner's mother than with me. I hope that's not what happens, and I'll do my best to help it not happen-but I won't be remotely surprised if it does

Vile.

Your daughter's baby is no more hers than your son's baby is his.

Just really disgusting.

This sounds like a hurtful situation, and I can see why you feel bruised by your MIL’s behaviour.

Just so you don’t come across in the wrong way, it’s pedestal not pedalstool.

Can people be mindful when posting comments on here to be kind and not be nasty to the original poster just because you have a different opinion.

This probably isn’t the way to deal with it but I’d talk to MIL, say it’s been pointed out to you that your FB response was unreasonable, you accept that ( look sad, apologise if you want ) then say you realise SIL’s child is mil’s priority and your dc are more in the background, maybe not so interesting to her now ( catch in your voice here, possibly a tear) but you accept that and you’ll make sure the children grow up knowing about their grandmother so they keep her memory alive…… let your voice trail off here, sad look. Bye, bye Mil…oh dc1 and dc2 sent you these pictures/ handprints ( cue cute pictures from dc). You exit, clutching tissue to your ( maybe) tear stained cheek. Hopefully she’ll feel like shit.

So, she has a closer relationship with her own daughter and her own daughters children than you? It does not sound too surprising to be honest. Not saying she has handled it well or is reasonable, but the minute you posted you lost the high ground and look like the problem.

I would apologise for making a comment on face book and then just focus on your kids and DH

This is not the behaviour of a nice Nanny OP. I'd go NC and Keep my kids firmly away from her. If DH wants to visit let him visit her alone. I'm very lucky my MiL accepts my children as her Grandchildren and my son was my FiL's favourite. He doted on him. Biological DGC are 3 girls. They took him for a week every summer so DH and I could have a romantic holiday alone. When we got back my DS had been making wooden planters and bird boxes and painted them for my birthday which was a few days later. My in laws lived by the coast so DS loved visiting them and got totally spoiled for a week. My son's grown up now, my FiL has died and MiL is 82 but DS often drives 150 miles to visit her and take her a bunch of flowers. He visits her far more frequently than her biological Grandchildren. Your children will grow up and remember their cousins were treated differently just like your DH does.

It's probably because your MIL is your SIL's mother. Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children than their son's. I think they love them the same but the relationship with their DIL is different.

I have grandchildren from my daughter and from day one I've been able to be really involved without feeling like I'm intruding on family life, whereas if my son's have a baby with their girlfriends/wives I'll feel like I need "permission" to be as involved, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't love them the same.

Yanbu about any of this

The social media stuff isn't ideal but I'm sure you know that however tbh I'd have been that angry if I was you I kind of don't blame you

I cannot stand this sort of blatant favouritism it is so out of order

We have the same with mil she completely prefers sils kids 😡 what sort of person even has favourite grandchildren AND LET ALONE SHOWS IT

I haven’t read all the thread.
Can I ask op what you/your dh have done for your mil. What has he done to support her and their relationship and help her put?other than being dc round to hers what has he done to maintain a equal relationship? Has he had her round for dinner? Has he spent time with her and invited her to days out with dc? Or have you all just rocked up expected to be provided cups of tea and childcare?

I often see daughters maintaining the relationship with their mums, treating them as equally important as a person not just a granny, spending time with them alone and helping them out when they need it.

As a consequence when they have dc the relationship is naturally prioritised and they spend more time with the dgc from daughter because they already had a close adult relationship and it’s more give and take.

Can you honestly say your dh has been equally as proactive with his mother as sil? Or has it all been take take take.

I don't agree with @LolaSmiles at all. Your DGC are your own children's babies why would it make a difference if your DD or DS gave you the DGC. I love both my DGS's equally. I treat them the same too. I love my DiL. She is wonderful for making my son so happy and is a great Mum.

My PIL were never that engaged with our children. In fact, FIL saw my elder two respectively twice, and once, at their christenings, and he died not long after youngest was born. SIL was always favoured over DH by MIL.

Are you insane??

Do you think we don’t love our sons as much as our daughters?

The children of our children should be loved for their own and their parent’s sake, not whether it was our daughter or DIL who gave birth.

Hadn't finished lol! When SIL had her one and only, she idolised him, minded him after school, had him overnight etc, cleaned SIL's house saying how hard it was for her with her one child - I had three and she never lifted her hand to do a thing in my house (not that I would have wanted her to anyway). She minded ours once for about an hour in 15 years, while I was working and DH went to a funeral.

Yeah, this.

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/fe2898ed-e060-41e5-8f58-c5f2ab553254

I can understand why you feel hurt, but you have handled this very, very badly. I don't know if there's any coming back from this.

Do you not think it’s simply that she thinks she needs more help and you’ve the experience now to figure this stuff out? Plus could be a mother daughter thing or where she comes in the family- you always see your youngest as the baby!!

What you are doing is the opposite of protecting them, you are exposing them to her favouritism and allowing her to effect them, and you, and your relationship with your family.
To protect them you withdraw, you make sure she only sees them when you are there to ensure fair treatment, you foster other great relationships for them.

Had the same thing - I had 2 children by the time SIL had her first. Huge fuss made for SIL by the women in the family, far more than was made for either of ours. OH told me to ignore it, not worth it, his sister just needed the attention and always had.

Got a bit awkward when his grandmother excitedly told us that SIL had used her name as a middle name and how lovely and wasn't it wonderful and OH found himself pointing out that we'd already done that for our eldest. Cue grandmother snapping that we'd never told her that.

Erm I think you'll find we did.