Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

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Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

I've read a theory that the preference of a mother for her daughter's children is the biological imperative to see your bloodline continue. You know for sure that your daughter's kids are your grandkids, but you can't be absolutely sure that your daughter in laws kids are.

My MIL did not engage at all with my children. Her daughters children were the favoured ones, babysat, looked after them etc....now all the grandchildren are adults and she wonders why mine are not interested or keep in touch with her. You reap what you sow.

To add: don't fall out. They'll (hopefully) be your in laws for a very long time and it pays to maintain a reasonable, civil relationship. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be upset by it. But it can be best to take a bit of a step back for a while until it doesn't feel quite so painful.

I completely get the other stuff and feel she's out of order forgetting two other grandchildren but the childcare is down to her. She was nice enough to do it for your eldest but doesn't have to. It takes a village but many - myself included - have not got family around for regular childcare. Planning another child should not hinge on this kind of set up either.

I'd just slowly back out of all stuff with ILs and leave it down to your husband. If he felt the same he should have mentioned something to your MIL and therefore I think the issue is your husband not saying "hang on now, you're sidelining my children, what's going on?"

I'm more of a head on type of person, talk about it or even have a bit of a disagreement if need be then get over it with resolution but it sounds like my ILS who rather brush things under the carpet and hold grudges. Take a breather, leave them all blocked and just don't engage. Time will tell if your husband can actually talk to his mum about how you feel or throw you under the bus even further.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with theories about bloodline but the simple fact is MIL is concerned with the wellbeing of her own DAUGHTER? I.e. all grandchildren are equal but of course as a mother you will be worried about your own daughter too who has gone through an enormous physical change and whose life has now changed completely. And whether we like it or not giving birth and having a small baby takes a much harder toll on the woman. As a mother, you know that so you want to help your own DD.

It sounds like this MIL have her DIL loads of help anyway but the OP is just unhappy she has to share it now.

I just want to add, OP, I do get it. My ILS prefer my SILs child but the difference is that DN was the first. What I don't agree with is how there's not as much enthusiasm from them both over my children. I can't change that and my children will notice when they're older.

Maybe just get your DH to take them to his parents if they're ever invited so they can't turn around and say you've alienated them in years to come.

Just ignore it ... how is it helping to keep going on about it and having a dig and grumbling to her? Much better to be the bigger person and ignore it.
My in-laws were absolutely useless as GPs. I did not say a word and let it all wash by me. They were what they were and that is that.
It is slightly odd that you mind so much .... why do you even care? It is they who are missing out. Just get on with your life and let it be.

My parents clearly favoured one of my DC. It just became a bit of a family joke.

You were lucky to get as much help as you got, by virtue of having the first GC.

A daughter’s kids usually are treated totally differently by most grandparents, compared to a son’s kids…not all obviously but it’s very often the case.

You did well getting as much help from your IL’s as you did tbh. Your current attitude will get you nowhere, and probably will have the opposite effect. Sorry 😞

The thing is, there’s a lot of threads where dil prioritise their mothers above the MIL, often causing friction, and everyone says that that’s absolutely normal, as the daughter and mother bond is stronger. Yet on here people seem to be saying that the dil and daughter should be absolutely treated the same. We all know that once sons get married, they tend to focus on their wives more than their mothers, and that close bond is no longer as strong between mum and son. But daughters are always very close to their mums. It’s not sexist, just facts.

Stop being obtuse and going on and on about childcare, it’s obvious it’s more than that but you just don’t get past it.

The issue is ignoring her older grandchildren in preference of the grandchildren from her daughter which means the other grandkids will be treated differently because they are from my daughter in law not my daughter. It’s not that hard to deduce.

Yes OP should not have posted on Facebook but that doesn’t change the underlying issue.

don't agree with@LolaSmilesat all. Your DGC are your own children's babies why would it make a difference if your DD or DS gave you the DGC. I love both my DGS's equally. I treat them the same too. I love my DiL. She is wonderful for making my son so happy and is a great Mum
But that's what I've been saying.

It doesn't make a difference which child 'gives' you a grandchild. Grandparents should love and connect equally. The idea that it's natural to place favourites with a daughter's children is awful in my opinion.

I'm strongly against the idea that it's natural for grandparents, specifically grandmothers, to favour grandchildren from their daughter rather than their son.

Whether it’s natural or social it’s a very real dynamic, and there are quite obvious reasons for it. Read all the MIL versus my own mum threads! You can be against it all you want, but it doesn’t change reality.

Not saying anything new here, but completely get where you’re coming from, OP, particularly as your oldest has gone from being special because they were the first to less important now your SIL has had a baby. The fact you feel indignant on your children’s behalf is because you’re a great mum and hate how unfair it is. However, as others have said, you can’t change how your MIL feels or behaves so, rubbish though it is, I’m afraid you just need to suck it up.

Whether it’s natural or social it’s a very real dynamic, and there are quite obvious reasons for it. Read all the MIL versus my own mum threads! You can be against it all you want, but it doesn’t change reality

I don't doubt it happens. Like you say there are lots of threads about it.

I do question that it's inevitable and definitely question the premise that it's totally understandable to play favourites with your children and then continue that unhealthy dynamic with grandchildren.

It's not understandable at all.

There's a lot of mums out there who aren't devestated to have sons, which means they're not endlessly parenting from a place of silly disappointment.

There's a lot of mums out there who don't pine for a girl and/or play favourites with their daughter throughout their children's childhoods (and then wonder why their sons are more independent and less involved after decades of being the lesser child).

There's a lot of MIL/DIL who don't have their weird worldview where the MIL/DIL is a threat in a silly competition.

There are a lot of men with healthy relationships with their parents.

Some people DO have silly toxic relationships, but that doesn't mean it's inevitable or understandable. It just shows some adults are all too happy to pass their own hangups onto their children and grandchildren.

Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc.

So you say your MIL hasn't looked after your baby once in 9 months, or even taken him for a walk. I'm assuming she's met your baby? Played with them? Held them? Probably bought them a gift? Asked how they are etc? Why are you placing so much value over how much childcare she's done for you? Surely now she's a grandmother of 3 you should have expected that she's going to find it harder to split her time. How have YOU and DH made the effort with MIL during those 9 months?

I guess for next time now as it’s too late this time.

but whenever going in for an argument consider what the outcome will be realistically.

you and your DH know that SIL is golden child so this was going to happen and you know your MIL won’t change the arrangement to include your DC.

I agree let your DH facilitate the relationship between his family and your DC. You enjoy being a part of of your own family keep strong ties with them.

Don’t beg for crumbs of affection from people who don’t care.

You have people who love you and yours appreciate them.

There are some really unpleasant and sneering comments on this thread about OP's spelling. Pretty poor form really.

red78hot, maybe MNHQ will see the funny side, I don't. What a pathetic jab at the OP.

I was you about 9 years ago. My MIL has clear favourites amongst her grandchildren (ie SIL brats) and I used uk get worked up about it.

my advice is just let it go. You don’t need her for childcare, my eldest child (teen) can now see how different our families are treated without me having to say anything. It’s her loss if she is deliberately refusing to see her own grandchildren

Yes! It’s totally a thing that grandmas, (and some grandpas) favour their daughters children. I suppose in evolutionary terms we are sure our daughter’s children are our genes…no such certainty’s with sons progeny!

It's a losing battle trust me. Challenging the unfairness of favoritism never results in the bestower of favours thanking you for showing them the error of their ways. They will always be defensive and offended! My own mother is like this. Adored my son when he was the only grandchild but seemed to forget about him once my golden sister had hers. I tried raising it and was told I was talking rubbish and being difficult. In the end I backed off. I did wonder if she would start to miss us as we stopped visiting so often. But if anything she seemed relieved that she could focus even more time on the golden grandchildren. It's crap but you're better off focusing on the good life YOU can give your children.

I think you're getting a really hard time here OP. People sneering that you should be greatful your children had 5 years of attention before being thrown aside for the new grandchild. How daughter's children are more worthy of love and attention than your son's children. I really hope those people aren't parents to sons!

Personally I would drastically reduce contact with mil and sil. Your children don't need to see the favouritism. It's ultimately the mil and sils loss. Your kids are fab. Maybe granny will regret it one day when your adult kids don't visit. You reap what you sow

😴

OP, are you an only child?