Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

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Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

"All children,regardless of sex should be treated fairly, as should grandchildren"

Of course they should. But I expect that my son's children may well have a closer relationship with his partner's mother than with me. I hope that's not what happens, and I'll do my best to help it not happen-but I won't be remotely surprised if it does.

It's hard to know though whether the situation started because MIL was excited about her DD's new baby and the OP was so touchy about that that they didn't know what to say or do around her and it all escalated from there.

Unfortunately whether other posters think it's wrong or not, it IS true that a mother will always favour her daughter's children over those of her son. Whether it is because somewhere deep inside we feel for our daughter's, that they too have gone through the pain of childbirth, whereas our son's just have the pleasure of impregnation, and therefore haven't had to work to provide the much wanted grandchildren, I have no idea, but I have definitely seen this situation, time and time again.

One thing I would say to the OP though, is try putting yourself in your SIL's position, she was having her first child, and naturally wanted her mother to adore her baby, just she appeared to adore yours. You wanted your child to remain top dog, but in your SIL's shoes, wouldn't YOU have been put out, if it appeared your own mother, preferred her first grandchild, over yours? Seems that MIL was in a bit of a 'no win' situation to me, although showing favouritism to any child, is in my opinion, VERY wrong. I actually have three granddaughters, and even though they are now all grown up, I still try to treat them as fairly as humanly possible, as even in their 20's I can imagine them feeling hard done by, if I did more for one than the others in any way.

Had exactly the same with my MIL. She was very close to her DD and she was always their favourite child. My DSIL’s children were therefore the golden ones. I tolerated it for a while but I wasn’t prepared for my DC to be treated second best either and after years of it and getting pissed off with it every time we saw them (or she posted something on fb) I’d had enough as had DH and we went NC with them. You can’t change them, like yours they wouldn’t even accept they were doing anything wrong so you either have to put up with it or step away and we chose to step away.

My DC are grown up now and MIL died a couple of years ago. They barely knew her which was sad but their loss.

I see you’re not answering questions on your own family.

what strikes me is you say this comes from a place of love. But for me it reads like it comes from a place of jealousy. You relished the five years yours was the only grandchild and the place that gave you. You wish to be favoured above her daughters, you asked for childcare and you’d have known she was going to be providing that for her daughters child. But you asked for weekly and holidays. Not your husband. You. You’d have known that was a lot on top of her existing commitments, but you wanted the same.

and it’s you who is hurt. You who is infuriated. You who is attacking.

I don’t think this is about love and protection, I think this is about you and your jealousy and your need to be a favourite in your mils eyes. Maybe it’s linked to your own family background.

I think you owe an apology to your mil. There is no justification for your posting that on her social media.

This is true

What happened. Did it end with a confrontation or did you just start avoiding them?

It's horrible isn't it? I still can't believe how many posters are condoning it as normal and just the way it is.

And as the dil you are supposed to what? Just gladly accept any crumbs you are thrown.

Re the childcare yabu. You had help with your first and shouldn't have expected it with your second. It's sil's first baby and would perhaps be too much for mil to have both. Sil gets first dibs in this instance as you've had help before. Ultimately its up to mil.

As for the favouritism, no yanbu. I'm in a similar situation but have been very clear to my mil how I feel about it. Truth is in my situation she doesn't care how it makes me feel or her ds. I have made it quite clear to dh that as she gets older and needs more care sil can do it because I won't. I've also made it clear to mil that the way in which she treats the kids makes me tetreat from her. Dh won't rock the boat and have it out with her.

In your case yanbu to feel as you do. I'd have it out with her personally. Not re the childcare because actually I think ypu aren't entitled to that but more so that she is missing out on your children. Your sil's both sound lile a waste of space and if you have the option to go low or no contact I would.

So in the original post she helped you massively with childcare?

Then she did a couple of times a month and is willing to still help out even though she is helping SIL

She is not being unreasonable’

I have a wonderful family thankyou. My mum and step-mother will be providing the 'free childcare' for my son you all see to think I'm so annoyed about so it really is not an issue. I haven't mentioned them as they are irrelevant to the post

It did help massively as both me and my husband worked hours paid Childcare wouldn't have covered so any family help was appreciated

How are your in laws showing favouritism? I'm struggling so much with it at the moment. Like you say it's making me withdraw further which won't help matters.

It's as though we were a filler until their proper grandchildren came along. Now we are no longer needed.

And yet, despite that, you still infer the worst possible motives to her behaviour and try to humiliate her in public. I think she probably deserves a bit better, to be honest.

Exactly this! The Childcare was just one element of the issue amongst many other things

You had help with your first small baby. She is now helping with her daughter's first baby. No favouritism there.

In addition, her own daughter is pregnant/had a small baby. Of course she will help her more, she's her daughter, this is not just about the baby, it's about helping her own child who has gone through a massive change and upheaval.

YABU and a massive overreaction.

My dh has 2 siblings.
None of them lived near in laws.
We had 2 dc, we visited them they visited us.
Dbil had 2 dc, they visited in laws, in laws visited them.
Dsil had 2 dc, it was as if they had no other dgc.
The first 4 dgc didn’t get a look in. Christmas, summer had to be spent with dsil.

When in laws died dsil insisted that her dm’s jewellery went to her and her dc.
The other 2 dgd’s obviously didn’t count.
My dd eyes up my meagre jewellery collection occasionally and I’ve told her that her db has just as much right to it as she does.
I just don’t understand blatant favouritism..

There was a big old row following a family party. My DSIL (who is a shit stirrer) had pontificated to everyone about how important it is for children to have a SAH mum and have nursery staff bring up your children (guess who she was getting at?) and my MIL agreed with her. I could get into the fact that she’s only ever worked shitty jobs all her life and whenever I visited her she was glued to Richard and Judy and not engaging in wholesome activities with her DC, but I have to remind myself it’s none of my business.

And yes, it was crumbs thrown our way. Golden child wanted x for Christmas which costs £x therefore what would yours like to that value? Or at Christmas they’d arrange to see her DD and then let us know what times they had left around those times. They’d visit once a week and my DSIL would call or text my MIL constantly while she was with us. Our eldest DS played football and they used to come and watch. Then golden child took up football and my FIL became his team coach and they just stopped coming to watch my DS. He’d ask where they were and that really infuriated me.

After the big row they stopped visiting and we stopped calling. It would get awkward at family events but we were so busy with the kids, it was easier not to have to find time to see them and as I said, I’d generally be quietly seething after every visit so it was a relief to avoid that crap.

It wasn’t the relationship I’d have wanted with them and I will go to great lengths to make my own DIL’s and any DG that come along feel welcome.

So you’re covered. Why are you attacking her like this then and why did you ask ? And how much she did changed from your op to a later post.

it feels like your husband was insensitive. He said you know she’s the fave. The subtext is not you, you’re not the fave. It’s clear you wish to be favourite and he must know this, And it’s you who has taken issue with that. Not him.

id think I’d examine my feelings of jealousy here and why when your child care needs met and habe such a wonderful family you are causing such utter mayhem in his.

I admit I have said things I shouldn't have said but they have come from a place of love for my own children as I don't ever want them to feel second best especially the eldest who is old enough to realise what's going on

How your children feel about seeing less of their grandmother than their cousins will largely depend on how you respond to the situation in front of them. Life is never even, it’s never fair and as long as your children have parents and relatives who love them then there’s no reason why they should think they are second best in one particular relationship, that’s what you think, but don’t share that idea inadvertently with your children. The relationships and dynamics will change as the children get older, as the adults get older, as more grandchildren come along.

The Facebook post was a spectacular own goal and you really need to apologise and repair the relationships quickly for your own sake. You were never going to win this battle however reasonable or not your grievance is and however you phrased what you said to your MiL. I would try and get things back on an even keel by apologising otherwise airing your grievance in public on SM could end up being the thing that halts your DCs’ contact with their GM and you will be the bad guy.

You have the totally wrong end of the post. I sorted alternative childcare after the conversation with MIL I would have hoped she'd have my son rather than my stepmother but that was not the case.
And me being the favourite was never mentioned I don't wish to be his mother's favourite. It was his sister he was speaking about as he's aware she is the golden child in the family and always has been

So you went from 2x a month childcare to asking her to commit one day a week? Sounds like your story changed. Why would you feel that you could ask that if she wasn't even doing it before ? Sorry but they gave you 5 years ! Also you haven't answered, are you pushing your own parents for this as well?

Yabu op. Sort your own childcare.

I think you need to step back from this and let your husband raise the issue with his family if and when he feels it’s appropriate. Obviously any decision regarding your DC should be joint, but interacting with MIL like this isn’t something you should be doing, especially as it sounds like your DH wouldn’t have confronted the issue at this stage at all?

Just to clarify again for anyone missing the point I have sorted alternative childcare with other family members the issue was never about solely childcare but about MIL wanting to spend time with my children In the same way she does SIL child.

I encouraged a relationship between in laws and oldest son as I wanted him to be surrounded by as much love as possible and yes I am now hurt this is seemingly being taken away from him but il lower my expectations from now on as others have suggested too

The love isn’t being taken away from him but he just has to share it now.

This would have also happened when you had your second child.

For 5 years your eldest has been the centre of your and DPs attention and got 100% of the love, time and fuss.
Then once his sibling came this had to be shared.

It doesn’t meant you love him any less but it’s just not possible to give him your 100% attention, time and love now when there’s two of them.