Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

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Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

Absolute nonsense!!!! It was rife in the boomer generation as it was openly accepted and often admitted!

I would not have gone on FB to reply to your MILs comment although she clearly lacks empathy and how that would be hurtful to you and your DH. I would not focus on the childcare issue either as she has helped you in the past and as a GM myself but with only 2 GDs I can understand that it could be difficult for her to commit to regular childcare if she had already promised her DD and she is still working.

If your MIL continues to show favouritism to the other GC and your children are hurt by that as they get older I would distance myself and them too and think yourself lucky you have parents and a step mum who want to be involved in your DCs lives. I am a strong believer that you reap what you sow though and the chances are that if your MIL doesn't make an effort with your DC then she will not enjoy a close relationship with them growing up. That is on her though. How your DH feels about it is another matter as it is his mum.

THIS

I don't blame you at all for calling your MIL out for her blatant favouritism but I would of done it on Whatsapp in a one to one chat rather than Facebook. I completely understand you feeling hurt on behalf of your DC though. Maybe it's correct that she's now providing free childcare for her own daughters DC now which does make things fair but to not even acknowledge your second DC is utter shit! And the other behaviours from her sound rubbish aswell. Just because your oldest used to have all of thr attention why should they not all continue to be treated equally?! Surely her sons children should be just as important as her daughters children. Bonkers!

I think so many people are missing the point, it's not about free childcare for 5 years!! It's about how her child can be discarded so easily for a more favoured one. I feel your hubby has resigned himself to it because that's what he grew up with. I don't blame you, OP. Did you open a can worms? Maybe. But sometimes it's best to let these things out rather than simmer for years. I would just distance myself from the lot of them.

I think it's natural for someone to feel close to their mum than their mother in law, but I don't think it's natural for a mother to favour her daughters children over her sons. Two different things.

Well this is interesting because most MILs on
these types of forums complain it is their DILs who freeze them out by favouring their own mothers so they don’t have the opportunity to form a close bond with their grandchildren.

Nope I'm not an only child i have a sister who I also have a lovely relationship with I am not the spiteful entitled person I have been made out to be on this post just someone who is hurt on behalf of her children that they are now being cast to one side.
It's my MIL birthday today so my husband is going to visit her in person and talk, I will stay out of the situation from now on, expect less and concentrate on the lovely relationship my sons already have with my family.
Thanks to everyone that gave constructive advice and didn't just comment to make unkind and hurtful remarks.

@FluffyFlannery well I can only speak for my own situation. My own mum isn't very involved due to ill health.

In laws were very involved the first few years of our dc life. They never helped with childcare and we never pushed the issue or took the mick but they'd babysit occasionally so that we could have a night off.

Sil had her dc and it all changed. Not only do they do all childcare for her but they never even ask about our child anymore.

And going by this thread I can certainly see why. A large chunk of people are openly admitting it's different with their daughters dc.

I get why you feel hurt that your second DC was almost ignored in favour of SILs first born.

We had a similar experience but in our case DS was only around a month old when PIL announced that DH’s younger (much favoured) DB was to become a DF in 8 months time! So we had 8 months of some kind of attention (although they only visited us once, we had to go to them) but all the while we were updated about DB and his DW (who live next door to PIL - another story) and then when their DS came along that was it!

Hurt on a scale you can’t comprehend. Hurt for our DS not having the same love shown.

Almost 17 years later DH’s DB has gone off the rails, no longer with his DW, his now DC hardly see him, he’s been done for drink driving etc, but still lives next door. DH’s PIL don’t have much to do with him. Now here’s the stinger, they now expect us to help out painting their property, maintaining their (very large) garden/orchard (they’re too tightfisted to pay for a gardener even though they can afford it) after all the years of being snubbed!

I’ve distanced myself from them as I will regret the words I feel like using!

Sorry for the rant! 😆

So im with you OP, apart from the fb comment.

Distance yourself and try and move on, easier said than done.

It's my MIL birthday today so my husband is going to visit her in person and talk,

On her BIRTHDAY?! How on earth do you thing calling her out on this on her birthday is going to go well?

Please don't do this. It's an awful thing to do to her, and is only going to make things worse for you. The rest of the family will be furious that he's brought this up on her birthday, and they'll be right to be, whatever she's done. It's absolutely not the time.

It's my MIL birthday today so my husband is going to visit her in person and talk

What an awful thing to do. Seriously, on her birthday?? What’s wrong with you both?

Jesus, leave her alone with this shite on her bloody birthday!

Oh come on, it's important to do it on her birthday. Having spoiled her holiday, it's time to take it next level.

He is not going there to 'call her out' He's going to have an adult conversation and hopefully mend the relationship. Its her birthday so he is going to visit her and I hardly think the subject can be avoided.

You must both be batshit crazy if you think that is the right thing to do.

It's mind blowing just how socially inept a couple can be. First OP goes full, publicly Jeremy Kyle on her MILs Facebook page, then they decide that MILs birthday is the perfect time to 'have a talk' about her sins.

Given their inability to read and observe social norms, I'm far from convinced that the loving grandma is actually prioritising her daughters child to the degree that OP says.

What I suggest that your DH does on her birthday is offer her a fulsome apology for the way his wife publicly humiliated her.

Maybe DH should be bringing her a gift, cake and flowers and try to make her feel special and he should be bringing the kids to see her if you don’t want to go yourself. Turning up alone on her birthday to try to talk about something your MIL obviously doesn’t want to talk about is not really on.

Perhaps buy your MIL a nice pedalstool for her conservatory? 💐

There was always a clear favourite in my family, youngest child. I am one of six children. Three of my siblings spent all their lives trying to make Mum show the love she did to the youngest and it did extend to the grandchildren. Myself and one other sister, we have similar personality types accepted it . When Mum died one sister had a breakdown because her hope ended of ever feeling as loved as the youngest sibling. When the will was read she had left her sizeable estate to the one child.

It’s ok to feel upset but I think talking about it will make no difference whatsoever and doing it on her birthday is the worst idea ever.

All you can do is check your own response to the way you are treated through life and learn how to deal with it.

He is not going there to 'call her out'

The only one who should be called out is you.

You can't make someone more interested in your kids. But you can control your own response to it. Step back and stop trying to publicly hurt her.

Your MIL sounds toxic. She moves between children like they're objects - whichever one happens to be her favourite at the time gets all attention. Favouritism is so damaging to people's self esteem.

I wouldn't want her around my children. I'd back off completely. No mother's day or birthday gifts, no calls, just leave her to it. If she can't be bothered to have a relationship with an innocent baby, and can actively ditch a young child who she seemingly had a good relationship with, then she doesn't deserve your attention.

And her daughters are obviously going to take her side as they benefit from the situation.

Unfortunately, nothing you do will make her act any differently, she's probably like this with everyone; friends, family, everyone. She likes to have a few intense relationships and everyone else is forgotten. If that's the way she is, she won't change.