AIBU to think this is grim. Funeral.

[ThatFraggle]

A group of mourners all in normal funeral clothes. Some more formal, some less. Some not black. Fine.

Then a group of three girls. They looked older than primary school age, but younger than A level.

The one was in a skintight mini dress she kept having to pull down.

The other two were in those hotpants-vest combo unitard things people seem to wear these days. Basically like a spanx leotard, coming a couple of inches below the bum.

Yes, it's hot. And yes, people can wear what they like, but surely there's a time and a place, and a funeral is not the place.

AIBU that if it were my young teens coming down for a funeral dressed like that, I'd tell them to go back upstairs and get changed?

That's a huge age range. It's easy to tell the difference between an 11 year old and 15 year old. One has just started puberty and the other has finished puberty or is about to. Most people won't confuse a Year 6 and Year 10 girl. An older teen wearing a revealing outfit is no where near as inappropriate as a pre-teen.

The black dress sounds fine if it wasn't also low cut. Regardless, these girls weren't attending a funeral for fun. I'm assuming they knew the person who had passed away and were grieving.

What’s wrong with that?! The very idea that you are anything less than decent if you don’t subscribe to a religion is gross. I’m not fighting you, I just don’t believe in god or being good now for a great hereafter - I believe in being good now because it is the right thing to do for all in society. You can think I am a twat - I couldn’t care less - I’m in fairly good company.

I think it’s the parents job to tell them, they won’t know themselves. Theres loads of times in life where we do things we don’t enjoy or dress in a way which is contrary to our preferences (school uniforms, uniforms etc). It’s part of becoming a thoughtful and responsible adult to understand that.

If my DD came down wearing something like that for a funeral she’d be sent back to change.

The whole it might be the only black clothes they had argument is invalid too considering you get notice of a funeral. Again if my DD didn’t have anything appropriate I would take her shopping for something. It’s not like you find out about a funeral an hour before it happens!

I'm not sure where 'this country' is but I've never been to a UK cathedral with a dress code. But in any case there's a huge difference between not letting someone in as a tourist and denying people the comfort of a service that is specifically there to allow a space to a mourn because you don't like what they're wearing. Vicars tend to take their pastoral duties rather more seriously than that.

Speaking as a church regular , I'd say they don't know church or funeral etiquette and were completely outside their own comfort zone, but chose to turn up and show support anyway.

I think it's nice.

They may not have had adults available to tell them what to do. Maybe it was one of the girl's' relatives and the friends were in support.

Who can say? But they probably didn't have to go, but they chose to. And that's good.

I've seen equally inappropriate outfits on people at christenings- skimpy clingy dress, stilletos, mahoosive hat.

People don't dress the way I do. Heyho.

To have integrity and decency you have to have respect. And if you go to a religious house, albeit you don't believe, you know well enough to conform to the expectations of that place. That's being decent.
You would not go into a mosque in a boobtube and hotpants. You wouldn't take ham sandwiches to a Jacobs join at a Bah mitzvah. Its just respecting other people and the situation.
I've been to two humanist funerals. They're really not that different to Christian funerals, to be honest. I usually wear dark colours to funerals but the request was to wear bright colours. And, of course, I did. Because that's what the expectations of these humanist funerals were and I am decent enough to respect their wishes and expectations.

Hot pants, leotards, unitards, etc., are beyond the pale at a funeral or in church (and I'm atheist!)

As someone said, school uniform or even jeans and a clean top would have been better.

The depths to which public decorum have sunk in recent years ... just mind-boggling. And people are actually defending this? Have you zero standards?

I've been to many funerals and none of them have been 'all black' dress. Even the stuffier ones. Dark suits for men, smart clothing of pretty much any description for women, of neutral shades with the odd pastel cardi or colourful scarf here and there.

Many people just don't own black clothing, I didn't as a teenager. I wore a black watch tartan pencil skirt to my aunties funeral with black tights and a navy jumper.

You don't have to go as a stuffed penguin, especially younger people who are still growing and don't own formal clothes. But surely an effort could be made to improvise or borrow something if the only options are hotpants.

No dress code, but some reasonable expectations.

St Paul 's Cathedral, London

There is no formal dress code to visit the Cathedral, although as a place of worship, we ask that all visitors wear suitable attire.

and that's the first one I looked at.

I don’t disagree with you - I don’t go to religious houses, ever. But if kids do, who are probably trying their best under difficult circumstances, and who might not have the guidance of parents as to what is acceptable, I would like to think that being decent would equate to leaving them be. Isn’t that basic religious charity and understanding? I mentioned the humanist element as it is not a religion so doesn’t come attached to some (arguably) outmoded ideas. I think plenty of christian funerals also request bright colours - I’ve been to four like that, it’s not specifically humanist.

This is the correct answer.

I wore a shorts to my dad's memorial. So did about half of his friends that came. It was infinitely better than black suits in a cold building.

Your second sentence is what I said.

Maybe the deceased bought them the outfits.

None of us know enough to judge.

Disrespectful to who?

If the funeral was in a church isn’t your god meant to be welcoming to all his children, and want his followers to do the same? Or was it only the ones in baggy dresses and long trousers?

They’re grieving kids who showed up for someone they love. They wore what they had and thought they looked nice in. They didn’t get ready for the funeral thinking ‘who can I shock and offend’, believe me.

Try and be a bit kinder.

They probably just put on the only black clothes they own that weren’t winter clothes. I don’t think it matters to be honest.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I get it. It’s a strange choice of clothing and there’s an adult somewhere who has let these young people down. Everyone seems to have lost some social skills during covid lockdowns.

Perhaps the deceased was a family member and wanted them in their fun clothes. We went to one church funeral where everyone wore jeans - the deceased didn’t want everyone dressed like idiot bank managers - his comment!

As you said, that's not a dress code.

You've kind of picked the wrong person here because I visit churches for a hobby. I have never seen an actual dress code or even an explicit instruction like 'you must cover your shoulders'. I'm also a regular church goer who normally wears jeans to services but the last couple of Sundays I've worn shorts because it's been hot. In my experience the idea that there is a strict, very formal dress code to entering a church is limited to those who only ever go to them for weddings and funerals.

As a celebrant I see all manner of attire at funerals (and weddings too). I don't judge...and neither should you OP 🤷‍♀️

These youngsters have probably never been to a funeral before...and were most likely just told by their parent to 'wear black'. At the end of the day, no matter what they are wearing...does it actually matter? They have lost someone they care about and they've shown up to pay their respects. I'm sure the deceased doesn't care 🤷‍♀️

My mum died very recently - DD 14 had no idea what to wear to a traditional funeral so my job as her parent and moral guide was to say "the black dress is lovely but a tight strappy dress is more for a party" and "you could wear that but you'd need a cardi or jacket" and I know you usually wear trainers but we need to find some more suitable shoes". Out of respect and tradition, and so that she learns about what's appropriate in situations she's unused to (like work experience)

I am extremely stuffy, conservative and ancient. But I think it is the thought that counts when it comes to funerals. When I was that age, I would not have had anything to wear for a funeral, probably just jogging bottoms and a t-shirt. Maybe it was actually their "best" clothes? As I say, I am conservative and stuffy, but I do not even understand the need to wear black to a funeral. Far better to turn out in your very best clothes than something dictated by such a drab colour.

Doesn't really matter because they are children.

@Hardbackwriter

It really depends on denomination, I suppose. Some are laissez-faire, others require head coverings - yes UK, Christian, 2023.

It's not just 'those who don't go to church'.