AIBU to think this is grim. Funeral.

[ThatFraggle]

A group of mourners all in normal funeral clothes. Some more formal, some less. Some not black. Fine.

Then a group of three girls. They looked older than primary school age, but younger than A level.

The one was in a skintight mini dress she kept having to pull down.

The other two were in those hotpants-vest combo unitard things people seem to wear these days. Basically like a spanx leotard, coming a couple of inches below the bum.

Yes, it's hot. And yes, people can wear what they like, but surely there's a time and a place, and a funeral is not the place.

AIBU that if it were my young teens coming down for a funeral dressed like that, I'd tell them to go back upstairs and get changed?

If you’re in the UK, it’s not unusual for people to attend church weddings/christenings with uncovered shoulders and legs. Comparing cultural norms in completely separate countries is pointless in situations like this.

it's not such a separate culture that the comparison doesn't make sense.
We might be a little bit more casual in our churches, but it doesn't mean all respect goes out of the window.

Have a shower, get dressed appropriately, it's basic manners.
You wouldn't turn up straight from the gym after a workout before showering and changing, would you?

The funeral is there to show your respect to the deceased and their family. Not to try to show your butt and bring attention to yourself. How is hard to understand? You wore hotpants at school or to your job interviews? Bad enough if you are wedding guest, but at a funeral? Seriously? Why does it have to be about YOU?

ok, you sound pretty er nuts passionate. I’m not sure why wearing shorts would be making a funeral about YOU. Do you think women only wear clothes to attract others’ gaze?

I sort of disagree.

Our children will all have to do things throughout their lives which they find awkward, uncomfortable and upsetting. Our job as parents is to help them to navigate this stuff while we still have any say, so that they become resilient adults. If we just say "oh no, it's fine, funerals are really hard", then they won't be able to cope with a funeral when they really need to.

People obviously grieve in their own ways. But we are all part of society, and funerals (like weddings and, for those who are bothered about them, christenings) are part of a wider picture. So it's all very well "grieving in your own way" - but for the person who is most affected by the death, it actually matters that other people are willing to take part in the ritual, and play their parts effectively. This includes not dressing as if you're going clubbing.

I agree with you, though, that there shouldn't be any compulsion to attend a funeral of someone you don't particularly know. I would not have expected (and wouldn't expect) my children to do this - they are all adults now - but I would, and did, expect them to participate in the funerals of close family once they were old enough to do so. I would, and did, also expect them to be dressed appropriately for the occasion. In the same way as I would expect them to be dressed appropriately for a wedding or a white tie ball.

Inappropriate, yes.

Grim, no.

If it was my close relative I’d just have thought, they are teenagers, and not taken offence.

You're quite right, of course @redskytwonight , clothing isn't everything. But it does reflect how you view the event or situation. I think we all know that people dress differently for weddings and interviews than going to the nightclub or the beach. Young people probably need a bit of gentle guidance on what to wear for what.

Italy is a very religious country where almost 90% are Christian. The UK is now a secular country with under 50%. So they are very different countries

@thepantsoffmethod - I think your second paragraph is spot on.

Gotta love mumsnet sometimes. All these people trying to out-cool each other. If anyone had turned up dressed like that to my dad's funeral I'd have told them to fuck off. "Paying their respects" my arse.

Sorry but if its a formal event such as this in a church or crematorium you need to dress appropriately and be informed that you dress appropriately. Its a sign of respect and acknowledgement of the occasion. You're not off to Spoons.

Agree. Non formal or more casual clothing is fine, I’ve never on the side of the overly modest down to the ankles and wrists and chin clothing police (performance modesty), but there is a line somewhere. What is the goal in wearing hot pants and spanx mini to a funeral. Paying their respects to the deceased is evidently not their top concern. Appropriateness of behavior is a concept not grasped by many.

In this universe I would imagine. I didn't attend my GM's funeral at age 14 and my parents didn't even suggest that I did (I was staying in a nearby city with my other GPs at the time). My GM didn't attend her sister's funeral so I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have minded me not attending hers - both of us had our reasons and were very close to the deceased, in fact I was my GM's only grandchild. Teens are old enough to know if they are able to cope with a funeral or not, and thank goodness I had more empathetic parents than you seem to be.

But people are all judging and speculating except that nobody knows the background, who died, how old the person who died was and what they wanted.

I went to the funeral of a 13 year old recently, they had 13 Leather clad bikers on their motorbikes. It wouldn't have been my choice, sure but it fitted her perfectly.

So, I'd suggest that you go home and make a plan of what you want people to wear at your funeral and leave these mourners alone 🤷🏽‍♀️

I remember someone coming for a teaching interview in a very short, strappy sundress and flip flops. Yes, it was a hot day, but I did question her judgement....
(I know someone will come on and say it doesn't affect her teaching ability, but it didn't reflect well)

Funerals are so difficult. People are going to have strong views. If someone was a biker of course that biker gear was appropriate, but it would not have been for someone else.
Anyway, young teens clothing - for females - seems to be very short and tight and bodycon at the moment.

This.

Their parents should have guided them.

Sounds inappropriate, but (big but!) if you’re describing 3 friends attending a funeral of a friend, then their parents may have said wear black and they did.
I would’ve thought “family children” related to the deceased would have parents planning to go to a funeral and make sure the children had appropriate clothing.

I’m not sure I’d want to judge mourners but I’d probably wonder about it.

Our children will all have to do things throughout their lives which they find awkward, uncomfortable and upsetting. Our job as parents is to help them to navigate this stuff while we still have any say, so that they become resilient adults. If we just say "oh no, it's fine, funerals are really hard", then they won't be able to cope with a funeral when they really need to.

I disagree. As mentioned I didn't attend my GM's funeral at age 14, I have been to many, many, funerals since then - including my GPs who died five weeks apart either side of my wedding day, and cope extremely well. I am also very resilient, much more so than many, many, many, posters on MN!

I only just realised that this question is caught up in religious expectation and classism. Of course it is. Ick.

Dear Lord, the judging. You are not better than them because you know you should wear a long black something and they don’t. It is not appropriate to sneer at children. Sneer at their parents if you must, but good grief, get a grip.

Are people honestly saying they wouldn't silently judge someone wearing hot pants to a funeral??

I would, maybe I'm a bad person 😭

You’d hope they wouldn’t be allowed in a church?!
really?!
im not trying to pick but the bible tells us to love eachother and not to judge I really hope no church would not allow them to mourne because of their clothing

I agree, someone should of told them to change.

Those girls have been let down by their parents. My parents were total hippies and it's only as an adult I feel belated mortification at various social gaffes I made because my parents thought 'anything goes'.

In some situations, anything bloody doesn't go. This is the UK and nobody is going to complain to anyone else's face, but they may well be hurt, annoyed or offended.

To be fair, it's weddings I was mostly ill prepared for. Even my parents understood the ritual of formal dress for adult funerals, especially those where the principal mourners are elderly.

I hope that when I die, that my loved ones feel free to wear whatever they damn well like.

To my funeral I should add!