AIBU to think this is grim. Funeral.

[ThatFraggle]

A group of mourners all in normal funeral clothes. Some more formal, some less. Some not black. Fine.

Then a group of three girls. They looked older than primary school age, but younger than A level.

The one was in a skintight mini dress she kept having to pull down.

The other two were in those hotpants-vest combo unitard things people seem to wear these days. Basically like a spanx leotard, coming a couple of inches below the bum.

Yes, it's hot. And yes, people can wear what they like, but surely there's a time and a place, and a funeral is not the place.

AIBU that if it were my young teens coming down for a funeral dressed like that, I'd tell them to go back upstairs and get changed?

It’s definitely grim that you’re being so judgemental yes. Was the the question?

My memories of DH's funeral are

A sea of white work vans, the team he worked with all turned up fresh from work.

A sea of black among the colour, we requested wear colour but his workmates turned up in their uniform black polo shirts and black trousers.

The chatter of small children while we waited outside

The purple ties the pall bearers wore

His wicker coffin with the spray of sunflowers on the top of it

His photo in the back window of the hearse then the photo by his coffin through the service

And the fact that, once again, my mother chose not to be there for one of the most painful events of my life. if she had turned up in a string bikini singing the Hokey Cokey it would've meant the world to me. The fact that she had chosen to be there would've been more important than what she wore.

I have no clue what other people wore. I can only remember what I wore. A bright green dress that I have worn since that awful day and it somehow brings me comfort.

There's no master arbiter. As part of a society, people learn what is considered acceptable and what is not.

At Tesco, do you push to the front of the queue, because you've only got one thing, so it will only take 30 seconds?

Is it acceptable to go to a party at someone's house and not take a bottle of wine/chocolate?

Is it acceptable to go inside a stranger's house without permission?

At a friend's wedding do you wear your old wedding dress, because it still fits and you looked gorgeous? (Yes, there was a news story of a bride who decided to ask guests to do that, but I'm talking about an 'ordinary' wedding).

Is it acceptable to sit on your new bosses lap (you met him yesterday) and sing 'happy birthday' Marilyn Monroe style?

We all get a sense of what the 'rules' are in the country/social circles we are in.

We are generally aware of the rules, then decide whether or not to break them.

The same applies to clothing.

My post tried to show it’s not up to you to criticise or dictate how others should be dressed whether it’s a funeral or Christmas Day. It’s nothing to do with you.

If someone came with a thong bikini I'd assume there was something wrong with them. I would definitely think it inappropriate. (I'd be imagining a whole back story.) That is a whole other level from the teens in your situation.

Of course there are outfits that are unsuitable for funerals but I think minding your own business and wearing the 'wrong' clothes is LESS OFFENSIVE than sitting at a funeral disapproving of other mourners for something that doesn't really matter. You are presumably at a funeral of someone you love but rather than than thinking about them you are having negative judgemental thoughts about other people, other people who are, presumably also mourning. It's such a sour thing to do.

Your situation involved teens on, presumably, a warm summer day. That I really couldn't get bothered about. I might notice it and I might clock that it isn't the best choice of clothing but I wouldn't care.

I felt The poster earlier who said teens turning up at another teens funeral dressed as though they were going clubbing was disrespectful was really out of order to be thinking their clothing were disrespectful when it's likely to be the opposite. Her being at the funeral sitting and judging teens at their friends funeral is really unpleasant.

@CopperSeahorses

Sorry for your loss.

Yes, in grief some people don't remember/care what others wore. Some do.

And at pp, wearing something slightly shabby due to not being able to afford new clothes is not disrespectful. In the UK for £10 you can get something from a charity shop, so if you can't do that you're on a very tight budget/don't have the time/don't have transport/are one of those people who won't wear second hand clothes.

Those examples are all whataboutery. Not comparable at all. Most people understand there is a social contract, seems fewer understand that grief can’t be arbitrated.

Havent read all posts but agree with you OP. It was inappropriate and wrong, we do have social conventions. If this thread said girl turns up at wedding in white dress there would be uproar. Convention is that funerals require conservative clothing. Even in summer. In fairness their parents were probably mourning themselves and didn't see it as a time to choose a battle so I would cut them some slack. I do think teenagers need to learn there is a time and place for everything though.

@GwinCoch

My point is that clothing IS part of the social contract.

So as long as you don't get arrested for public indecency, you can wear as skimpy an outfit as you want to a funeral? That's what you're saying?

I’ve been to funerals like this. I think young people can get fixated on wearing black rather than what’s appropriate, and wear something black that would be to a nightclub rather than something smart. They’ve probably never been to a funeral before. Also sometimes if it’s an old person the carers come in leggings etc. I think it’s nice that the carers come. I wouldn’t let it bother you.

As this thread goes on you seem to be making them out to be almost strippers. Kids in - as you deem it - inappropriate clothes. I’m not making light of your grief, but why would you even notice? They’re kids. Doing their best in all black by sounds of it.

It’s entirely comparable and for you to say it isn’t shows that you’ve lost the thread of any shaky argument you may have had.

None of those examples are adequate comparisons. No shaky argument here chum.

It was. They played his music top volume from their cars. My friend kept saying 'DS would love this'.

Yabu. It was probably the only black clothes they owned for this hot weather. They probably didn't understand that no one would have minded if they didn't wear black.

@GwinCoch so if the bereaved notice and care how someone presents themselves at a funeral, they're obviously not grieving enough, is that what you're saying? Because it's bollocks. It's perfectly possible to grieve and want the person to "go out proper". That's why we pay for wooden coffins, and funeral wreathes and take time with arrangements. It's a show of respect, as is what we wear and how we behave.

If you haven't been to many funerals, TV shows give the impression that everyone at funerals wears exclusively black head to toe. Often evening wear and hats! I imagine that's where these girls got this idea.

I still remember my beloved FIL funeral, how stressful it was in the days running up trying to find something appropriate to wear, on top of everything else. I remember coming on here for advice and being so relieved when people told me it was okay to wear a white shirt as I had really thought that would offend people.

I presume this is in response to my post about the teen who tragically died in horrible circumstances? I was pleased that so many turned up to his funeral. I wasn’t saying I judged these young women harshly, just in your words “noticed and clocked” what they were wearing because they did stand out. My daughter would know neon sliders were not an appropriate item to wear at a very sombre funeral. I’m sorry you thought I was being unpleasant, I didn’t think I was.

Not saying that at all. What a weird concept.

We see them with boyfriends going to college or school we all know what the future holds.

@ThatFraggle

Also, think about the last time you went clubbing. Now think about your last job interview?

Why didn't you wear the clubbing outfit to the job interview? You looked good clubbing, didn't you?

because it wouldn't fit these days 😂😂😂

maybe they asked what to wear & were told anything black??

I don't know a single 'young person' (over say 8) that couldn't dress themselves appropriately for a funeral.

3 girls over 10 should know that's not appropriate.

id wonder why they were there without an adult & if an adult was with them WTAF they didn't tell them to change.

more questions than answers, but definitely inappropriate.

We're they from a travelling community? Dressing like that is more common in those communities.

Cool well next time you’ve got a funeral to attend can I suggest that you dig out some tiny black hot pants/mini skirt/crop top and wear it.

I’ll take my lead from the dearly departed’s wishes. Not yours.