Boyfriend 'sexting' another woman

[cantbelievethiscry]

I'm 33, my boyfriend is 34. We have been together four years, loving together for just over a year now.

He has been grumpy with me and staying up later and later till past 2 am when I go up to bed. This isn't usual of him as he gets up to work at 7 am. He said he's just been more tired than usual.

Yesterday morning as he was in the shower, for the first time I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I did. In his archived messages on WhatsApp there was messages with this woman going back months.

Pure and utter filth that doesn't seem like him at all.

Messages from him include, 'you make me feel so much better than her' 'your tits are so much better than hers' 'you're my slave' 'she's up in bed alone and I'm downstairs with you, I chose that' 'we have such a connection, your voice makes me so hard' 'you're a dirty little whore' 'I want you and only you' 'I want to breed you' 'I want you to carry my child'.

And on and on it goes, pictures in between that, voice notes of them both talking dirty to each other, him masturbating etc. I felt sick to my stomach, he has never spoken to me like that and it feels like a complete stranger.

She was sending back things like, 'I want your girlfriend to watch us fuck knowing she can't do anything about it' 'I want to have your babies' 'I can't get enough of you' 'yes I'm a good for nothing slut' 'I worship your dick' etc.

I feel so sick and haven't spoken to anyone about this. This time last week I was so happy and now everything has changed and I feel when I confront him and tell anyone, then it's real.

I wonder, since he's never spoke this way to me, is this some kink or desire he has that I haven't fulfilled? He has never spoken to me like that, if that's what he's into, why hasn't he?

I'm so distraught. I'm sitting in my car in a Tesco car park and have been finished since 5 pm because I cannot be around him without being sick.

I also didn't get any proof as I was scrolling, he was in the shower and I wouldn't have enough time to screenshot and send to myself then delete. Might try that at some point when I can get his phone again.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice on how you would handle this? Should I confront? Should I tell my mum, I'm so embarrassed as she never really likes him and it's like he's proved her right. I never thought he'd do this.

He never wanted children either and he's telling this woman he wants her to carry his child! It's sick

Definitely get evidence on your phone. If nothing else you can send it to all his contacts to humiliate him!

In this scenario I'd want "proof" on my phone so when I started to wobble I could look at it and go "yeah - he's a shit . Well rid. "

No one needs proof of anything to end a relationship.

But sometimes it's good to have .

This would be an utter deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't bring it up directly, I'd simply say, "I'm sorry. This relationship is not working for me anymore, but I'm sure sure you can find a 'dirty little whore' to breed with. There are good for nothing sluts everywhere!

Get rid of the misogynist filth immediately.

All these posters trying to talk you out of getting proof seem extremely naive and very fortunate...

@cantbelievethiscry, it’s sickening that he’s been getting off on cuckolding and humiliating you with this OW.

I wouldn’t tolerate his disgusting presence for one more minute, and I wouldn’t care about anyone else’s opinion, including his. Get rid of this malignancy.

Sounds to me like that's exactly the sort of talk he likes!

What does cuckolding mean? My child's father was caught in the same way sexting another woman and I also (my bad) got into his Instagram and he was searching 'cuckolding' thanks.

Why would you need proof? He can lie as much as he wants but he knows and you know. Who are you proving it to? How can you talk to him normally after this. What a cunt

LOL, yeah, but it is quoting their exact words back to him, letting him know she saw them as he heads out the door. I'm seldom mean, but in this case, I'd make an exception.

She sounds disgusting too - I'm surprised how some women have no self respect. Dump the asshole and run. Be grateful you saw these and now you can act for your own good!

How did you sleep op? Can you get some real life support as well? His behaviour is disgusting, you don’t need proof but you do need to leave

Why do you need the screenshots, you know what you saw.

im surprised you didnt confront him there and then and tell him to get out at the same time

Does he clearly have mental health issues too, then?

Don't try and put this on to her.

Maybe it's a roleplay sort of situation (not that it makes it better, but could be it's a paid thingor online only, and the fetish attracts him?).

You don't need to screen shot, send to yourself and delete to gather evidence. Just hover your own phone over his screen and a take a photos, its much quicker

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice on how you would handle this?

I hadn't spotted this first time, just assumed you had already decided to leave.

Mumsnet's advice is always LTB, so not sure you needed to ask!

Personally sharing fantasies wouldn't be a LTB issue for me. (As I said earlier I will be in a minority of one of that!) To me it doesn't really feel any different to porn, just fantasy. He's not really going to be "breeding" (🤮) anyone IRL, it's all in his head. So I don't buy the idea that you have to LTB automatically. But will this become a miserable relationship now? If so there seems little point in staying with it. Ditto if he started meeting this woman to carry out some of these ideas, that's crossing my line.

Most importantly you say he doesn't want kids. Sounds like you do. So was there any future anyway? If you want kids you really need to get out now while there's time to find someone who does. Also sounds like smutty chat isn't your bag so maybe you aren't very compatible in that way, either.

So my advice advice is LTB, bit not over the WhatsApp filth, but so you can start a family.

how heart breaking :( I think your idea was a good one though

And this is very presumptuous.

I'm one of those that doesn't think she needs proof.

I personally was an a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for years, before I left and after I collected as much proof as possible to show people exactly what my ex was like because no one believed me at the time.

Did it matter in the end? No.

Those people who didn't believe me didn't care about the proof anyway, they didn't want to see it. They still found a way to be on his side, and they called me crazy for keeping all this proof.

She doesn't need it. She knows why she is leaving him, and the people who she'll confide in will believe her without proof.

Trying to bring him down by sharing this proof with the people who love him will seem vindictive, and it will give all of them a reason for why he's done this. They will use it to make assumptions as to what she was like in the relationship and say that she was the reason he cheated.

Be an adult, move on, let them think what they like. The people who love her will know the truth when she tells it.

Maybe you are very strong minded and don't really understand how powerful gaslighting can be, a lot of people on here have understood that she wants proof for herself.

What do you mean by proof for herself? She’s read it and recorded what she read.

I could understand points about gaslighting if the messages were subtle flirting or there was anything that could be taken another way.

I don’t think there’s any chance OP is going to be convinced she “misinterpreted “ any of those messages though. Not exactly subtle or any chance of being innocuous here!!!

You don't have to tell anyone about why you're splitting up, it's enough to say it isn't working anymore.

All you need to do is for one of you to leave.

@itwasntmetho I have been a victim of gaslighting myself, as I wrote in my post, I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for years. This included gaslighting, among a very many other horrendous things. I understand exactly how damaging it can be.

However, do we have any proof that he's abusive in that way? Cheating doesn't automatically equal gaslighting.

Also, she's pretty thoroughly documented what she saw on this very post. Surely that's enough proof for her to be confident in whatever decision she makes? Any gaslighting he could do could still be done with the proof anyway.

If she wants the proof for herself that's what she should do, but plenty of people on here have suggested showing people, sending it to his mother etc... Which I am heavily against, hence my response.

How are you op ? Hope you've got your head around this and kicked him out x

But honestly, the amount of women on here who start to doubt themselves, or their own memory when the scumbag, cheating ex gaslights them.

DARVO, gaslighting, love-bombing vs. 'negging' are no longer effective once the victim has awareness of those patterns of behaviour. Knowledge is power, and particular knowledge of how abusers operate disempowers the abuser.

Nothing OP has posted suggests her partner?/ex-partner? has engaged in these forms of behaviour. The messages are not particularly out of the common way and talking smut is hardly a 'kink'. What's degrading and unforgivable here, aside from the cheating, is the hideously derogatory way he's denigrated her to his lover to give them both some sort of twisted kick. THAT is what's warped.

Which is another reason why torturing herself with silly 'proof' is not necessary to OP's wellbeing at all. OP, you know what you saw. You don't need a reason to end a relationship with someone. Once one party decides it's over, then it's over.

As one PP suggested, the thing likely to wound him more than anything else is a bald declaration that you're no longer attracted to him, and that the relationship isn't working for you in bed or elsewhere.