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Original poster

Boyfriend 'sexting' another woman

161 replies

cantbelievethiscry · 21/06/2023 18:43

I'm 33, my boyfriend is 34. We have been together four years, loving together for just over a year now.

He has been grumpy with me and staying up later and later till past 2 am when I go up to bed. This isn't usual of him as he gets up to work at 7 am. He said he's just been more tired than usual.

Yesterday morning as he was in the shower, for the first time I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I did. In his archived messages on WhatsApp there was messages with this woman going back months.

Pure and utter filth that doesn't seem like him at all.

Messages from him include, 'you make me feel so much better than her' 'your tits are so much better than hers' 'you're my slave' 'she's up in bed alone and I'm downstairs with you, I chose that' 'we have such a connection, your voice makes me so hard' 'you're a dirty little whore' 'I want you and only you' 'I want to breed you' 'I want you to carry my child'.

And on and on it goes, pictures in between that, voice notes of them both talking dirty to each other, him masturbating etc. I felt sick to my stomach, he has never spoken to me like that and it feels like a complete stranger.

She was sending back things like, 'I want your girlfriend to watch us fuck knowing she can't do anything about it' 'I want to have your babies' 'I can't get enough of you' 'yes I'm a good for nothing slut' 'I worship your dick' etc.

I feel so sick and haven't spoken to anyone about this. This time last week I was so happy and now everything has changed and I feel when I confront him and tell anyone, then it's real.

I wonder, since he's never spoke this way to me, is this some kink or desire he has that I haven't fulfilled? He has never spoken to me like that, if that's what he's into, why hasn't he?

I'm so distraught. I'm sitting in my car in a Tesco car park and have been finished since 5 pm because I cannot be around him without being sick.

I also didn't get any proof as I was scrolling, he was in the shower and I wouldn't have enough time to screenshot and send to myself then delete. Might try that at some point when I can get his phone again.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice on how you would handle this? Should I confront? Should I tell my mum, I'm so embarrassed as she never really likes him and it's like he's proved her right. I never thought he'd do this.

He never wanted children either and he's telling this woman he wants her to carry his child! It's sick

OP posts:
Beezknees · 21/06/2023 18:59

Qbish · 21/06/2023 18:56

Unless you have proof of how bad it is, no-one will ever believe you, because he will deny it and call you crazy.

Who cares? OP knows it's true.

OP, this is about you, not your families. They aren't the ones in this relationship, if they're upset, tough. And you do not need proof either. You've seen it yourself. You don't owe anybody any "proof".

You deserve better than this.

Qbish · 21/06/2023 18:59

Lamelie · 21/06/2023 18:58

You don’t need proof. You can leave him for any reason you want to.

She needs proof for what will come. Which will be him denying everything, calling her a crazy bitch, and trying to get everyone on his side.

Tryagainplease · 21/06/2023 19:00

You poor, poor thing. I can’t imagine how you must have felt reading all of that and how you must feel now.
You don’t really need ‘proof’ - you’ve seen it, if he was to actually deny that after you telling him you had seen it that would be gaslighting of the highest order.
I would get out, now. Tell your mom - you will need some support. You deserve so much better than this pathetic excuse for a man. And the other woman sounds like she is the perfect fit for him.

catsnhats11 · 21/06/2023 19:00

Why do people always suggest screen shots which are a hassle and difficult to not leave a trail. Just take photos of his phone with your phone, 2 seconds and proof.

Luxell934 · 21/06/2023 19:00

Why would you need proof? You've seen the proof. You're not married, you don't need proof for the divorce settlement. Just leave.

Qbish · 21/06/2023 19:02

OP has already said their finances are intertwined.

And the best defence against gaslighting is - proof!

Beezknees · 21/06/2023 19:02

Ignore people who are saying wait to get proof. For what purpose? So people don't think she's lying? Who bloody cares, it's no one else's business.

Beezknees · 21/06/2023 19:03

Qbish · 21/06/2023 19:02

OP has already said their finances are intertwined.

And the best defence against gaslighting is - proof!

Their finances being intertwined doesn't matter. You don't need to show proof of anything unless you're married and want to divorce someone on adultery grounds.

Twentypastfour · 21/06/2023 19:03

I’m confused about why she needs proof? She knows she saw it. Even if wider family don’t believe her, what does it matter?

I don’t see the point waiting to get proof. The relationship is over.

Qbish · 21/06/2023 19:04

Alright. Let's not call it proof. Let's call it evidence. OP has access to a cache of evidence that a) will reassure her that she made the right decision when she's doubting herself, b) stop him trying to gaslight her, and c) put her in a position of power against him.

OddSockSeeker · 21/06/2023 19:04

You poor thing. You must feel absolutely dreadful. He’s gone too far. Disrespectful beyond measure.

Tell him to move out before the weekend or you’ll send his mum the photos you took from his phone. You can do it. So glad you don’t have kids with him. X

Qbish · 21/06/2023 19:05

OddSockSeeker · 21/06/2023 19:04

You poor thing. You must feel absolutely dreadful. He’s gone too far. Disrespectful beyond measure.

Tell him to move out before the weekend or you’ll send his mum the photos you took from his phone. You can do it. So glad you don’t have kids with him. X

She didn't take any photos. Or anything from his phone.

Tryagainplease · 21/06/2023 19:07

Qbish · 21/06/2023 19:04

Alright. Let's not call it proof. Let's call it evidence. OP has access to a cache of evidence that a) will reassure her that she made the right decision when she's doubting herself, b) stop him trying to gaslight her, and c) put her in a position of power against him.

Good point.

OP how did you get in to his phone?? Presume you know his passcode (which makes it weirder that he left the messages on there!!) no chance he will get whiff of you knowing and change his passcode is there??

Ilovetea42 · 21/06/2023 19:07

That's vile what a scumbag. I think you're right, get your proof then change the locks while he's out. He can sort his own place to stay and you can pack his shit and tell him when suits you for him to pick it up from outside. I'd tell your mum, you deserve support with this because it is real and it is happening. Tbh if this woman lives locally I'd get a sexual health check done as well just to give you peace of mind incase they didn't just sext. He's treated you awfully op, there's nothing he can say to make this any better there's no excuse for his behaviour. What money stuff are you worried about? Have you bought your home together? In which case I'd see a solicitor as soon as you can just to explore your options.

BananaOrangeApple · 21/06/2023 19:08

Film with your phone you scrolling through it, it shouldn’t take long to do. That way you can kick him out ASAP. It’ll save a lot of your energy if you don’t have to argue or prove yourself if you have proof, he’ll deny it to everyone, make you out to be crazy and the bad person for kicking him out. Don’t risk that.

OddSockSeeker · 21/06/2023 19:10

Another ideas is not to mention it to him but to send a screen shot to the woman on Facebook so he finds out from her then watch him squirm.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/06/2023 19:10

Is she part of your friend circle.

Definitely get the photos & once you've confronted him I'd also be messaging her photos of the conversation so she knows you know.

pimplebum · 21/06/2023 19:11

The woman clearly has mental health issues to be speaking like that

That is really rude to us women who do have mental health issues
I live talking filth nothing at all wrong with it , really turns me on but I do it with MY lovers not. Affairs

Please don't turn on the woman , He needs to be kicked out - worry about finances later

I am sorry this is happening to you , don't waste your time in proof

Begsthequestion · 21/06/2023 19:12

catsnhats11 · 21/06/2023 19:00

Why do people always suggest screen shots which are a hassle and difficult to not leave a trail. Just take photos of his phone with your phone, 2 seconds and proof.

Yeah I was gonna say this. Take pictures of the messages while they're on the screen of his phone, because how can he deny that.

OddSockSeeker · 21/06/2023 19:12

@Qbish I know but he doesn’t know that.

pimplebum · 21/06/2023 19:13

Just take his phone and make him think he has lost it - act innocent. Small crime after what he's had done to you

Begsthequestion · 21/06/2023 19:13

Twentypastfour · 21/06/2023 19:03

I’m confused about why she needs proof? She knows she saw it. Even if wider family don’t believe her, what does it matter?

I don’t see the point waiting to get proof. The relationship is over.

Have you ever been in this kind of situation before?

AntediluvianWitch · 21/06/2023 19:15

A man did this to me once. Three years we were together and I found similar vileness on his computer.

I'll tell you what I did, but I'm not saying it's what you should do. I think people like this get a kick out of the reaction they eventually get when discovered. The risk is part of the thrill. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of my rage, or my hurt, or my wounded pride. Or anything at all.

So I waited until he was going away for a couple of nights, packed up all my shit, removed every photo of me from the flat, removed any trace I had ever been there, even my stray hairs from the pillows. Blocked him and his entire family/his friends on everything possible, and ghosted him. Told my friends and family if they tried to speak to me on his behalf I'd erase them from my life too. Never spoke to him or saw him again.

It felt good, it felt cathartic. I appreciate that for you this is unlikely to be an option if you're more financially entangled. But there's a lot to be said for just ending the relationship as quickly and cleanly as possible, without allowing a shred of all the hurt he's caused to show. Just tell him you don't love him anymore and want to end it. Flat, emotionless, cold. People like him thrive on attention and validation and people needing them - absolute cold indifference will sting him far worse than rage and fury.

Qbish · 21/06/2023 19:16

Begsthequestion · 21/06/2023 19:13

Have you ever been in this kind of situation before?

Show quote history

Exactly. I have. Everything was minimised, I was made to feel unreasonable. Until I found a way to prove it all. And that did a lot for my mental health.

I do think that women are incredibly naiive sometimes. He will deny everything, make out that you're unreasonable, etc etc. But you can easily bypass all that.

RudsyFarmer · 21/06/2023 19:16

Can you start making plans to disentangle yourself from this disgusting twat while you’re waiting to get access to his phone? Honestly I can handle plenty of things but if I read that I on my DPs phone I probably throw up and get such a bad case of the ick I don’t think I’d ever be able to lay my eyes on him again.