Boyfriend 'sexting' another woman

[cantbelievethiscry]

I'm 33, my boyfriend is 34. We have been together four years, loving together for just over a year now.

He has been grumpy with me and staying up later and later till past 2 am when I go up to bed. This isn't usual of him as he gets up to work at 7 am. He said he's just been more tired than usual.

Yesterday morning as he was in the shower, for the first time I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I did. In his archived messages on WhatsApp there was messages with this woman going back months.

Pure and utter filth that doesn't seem like him at all.

Messages from him include, 'you make me feel so much better than her' 'your tits are so much better than hers' 'you're my slave' 'she's up in bed alone and I'm downstairs with you, I chose that' 'we have such a connection, your voice makes me so hard' 'you're a dirty little whore' 'I want you and only you' 'I want to breed you' 'I want you to carry my child'.

And on and on it goes, pictures in between that, voice notes of them both talking dirty to each other, him masturbating etc. I felt sick to my stomach, he has never spoken to me like that and it feels like a complete stranger.

She was sending back things like, 'I want your girlfriend to watch us fuck knowing she can't do anything about it' 'I want to have your babies' 'I can't get enough of you' 'yes I'm a good for nothing slut' 'I worship your dick' etc.

I feel so sick and haven't spoken to anyone about this. This time last week I was so happy and now everything has changed and I feel when I confront him and tell anyone, then it's real.

I wonder, since he's never spoke this way to me, is this some kink or desire he has that I haven't fulfilled? He has never spoken to me like that, if that's what he's into, why hasn't he?

I'm so distraught. I'm sitting in my car in a Tesco car park and have been finished since 5 pm because I cannot be around him without being sick.

I also didn't get any proof as I was scrolling, he was in the shower and I wouldn't have enough time to screenshot and send to myself then delete. Might try that at some point when I can get his phone again.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice on how you would handle this? Should I confront? Should I tell my mum, I'm so embarrassed as she never really likes him and it's like he's proved her right. I never thought he'd do this.

He never wanted children either and he's telling this woman he wants her to carry his child! It's sick

on WhatsApp you can export the whole chat and it will send to you via email: open the chat, click on their name/profile picture, scroll down to export chat and you can export with media to any email address. Will save you time and having to delete evidence

I think I’d just leave.
Not even tell him why.
completely cut all contact and sell the house and be done, never give an explanation or even let him have an argument.

just a letter one day, with all your stuff gone.
it’s over and the house is going to be sold.
I’d probably even get the estate agents round now, get the pics done and start the process.

I don't see how that's relevant. She just needs to leave. The guys a lying cheating waste of space. It doesn't matter what 'other people believe '

Do you really need any proof?
You have the proof as you read it with your own eyes
You know what you saw?

What he has done / is doing, is pretty rank.

Think long and hard about what you want to do about it?

Like you said, once it is spoken about it needs to be dealt with.

You don’t need proof, you have seen it with your own eyes. You need to leave this relationship because he has checked out already and you will never trust him. Investigate the finance side of things with the house, can one of you pay the other out? Will it need to be sold etc?

The child thing is called a breed kink it does not mean he wants a child with someone else. There is nothing wrong with two people having that sort of conversation if they are single and happy doing so. What is wrong is he is doing this behind your back.

I would get your ducks in a row and don’t say anything to him yet until you have had financial and practical advice regarding leaving the relationship.

Babe you don’t need proof. You saw it all. Get him out of your life immediately, please. Bringing you into their conversations is way way way too far. Absolute nasty scum, the pair of them. They deserve each other.

& please confide in your mum, she won’t want you suffering with this alone. She only told you she disliked him before because she worries for and cares about you. Sending you hugs XX

Don't be ridiculous. Who fucking cares what other people choose to believe? Fucking hell, this isn't highschool.

Why clobber a mother with her son’s bad behaviour?

Have you heard of the 'Madonna/Whore complex'? Where men treat some women like the Madonna (the virgin Mary, not the 80s popstar) and call them 'marriage worthy' and treat then with respect on the surface. Then there are other women who are only good for being whores and for sex and depravity. Some men categorise women into two boxes and use different women for different things.

The sexting is bad enough on its own, but the fact they are both getting off on your humiliation by bringing you into the chat and shitting all over you is absolutely disgusting.

This is NOT a good man to have as a life partner. He hasn't spoken to you in that sexual way as he doesn't see you as a whore and never will. But he will always need to use other women for that role.

Normal men (if there is such a thing) understand that women have elements of both madonna and whore and are not there to be used.

You absolutely don't need proof. You saw it - that's enough.

But....

if it were me, I'd hold on until the morning somehow and wait til I could send myself all the evidence.

Not because you need it. Not because you need to prove yourself to anyone else. But because if he tries to gaslight you, make out that you misinterpreted what you saw etc etc....it can be helpful to have the cold, hard proof to look back over to remind yourself what an absolute shitbag he is. There's been enough posts here on MN with cheating exes that as time passes, the woman has begun to doubt what she really saw.

So no, it's not essential. But it's useful.

And also, should be try and turn key people against you by lying - you have the option of putting them straight by showing the evidence. You don't have to do that, and you're under no obligation to do so - but you might find it helpful to have that option in your back pocket.

But if you can't hold on til the morning because let's face it, the turmoil and waiting is fucking horrendous, you don't have to. What you saw is enough to dump his lying arse right now.

And btw, I echo PP - this is all just a massive kink re the breeding, the watching, the "slave" stuff. So don't take it personally re not wanting a baby, it sounds as if his comments to the shag piece are just a kink thing. It's absolutely no reflection on you.

He's an absolute fucking rat for doing this behind your back and for so long. Please do come back and get support here when you need it. You must be shell-shocked right now. Sending a hand-hold x

I'm so sorry to read this OP. His behaviour is disgusting but it is likely that he has either done this before to someone else or he will do it again in the future. I can only imagine you feel sick to your stomach. But only you can decide but there is some good advice on here. If it was me I would get my ducks in a row where possible first. If you can get the proof I would if you can do it without him finding out. Even you take snapshots on your phone so there is no data trail (sneaky but he is on another level). Financially is there anything you need to do do it. I would then pack the basics of his and leave a bag outside for him maybe with a print out of the screenshot and change the locks 🤣 take a day of work and sort it all out. But that's me! Take care of yourself op. 💐

Also talk to your mum she wouldn't want you to go through this alone. She won't be judging you but him as you will need support through this x

If you are waiting for proof for your own sanity when he gaslights you then screenshot and send to yourself, leave them on his chat to you and let his stomach drop out if his arse when he next goes to text you and sees the screenshots have been sent.

Why is everyone insisting on getting “ proof “ ? For who ? You known what you saw…he knows what you saw , even if he denies it. You have been cheated on and humiliated. Leave .

OP now has to extricate herself from the home they have a mortgage on together. She can't just ghost him. I maintain that having evidence of how he has behaved will make the whole process a lot smoother. As he can't gaslight her or try to turn mutual friends against her - because she has proof!

It’s way quicker and easier to just take pictures with your phone of the screen of his. Save yourself some time and do that, but please do have proof.

Just take pictures of his messages scrolling through his screen with your phone. On the camera or video. Saves all the sending and deleting and will be much quicker.
You have done nothing wrong, leave him to live his sad little life and move on. xx

You don't need any proof.

It would take a lot of nerve but...don't mention any of what you read. Just tell him, "you know what, I'm not feeling this any more, it's not happening in bed or anywhere else" and then end it"

That will knock the wind out of his sails.

He needs binning.
OP you can do way better than this.
He's awful.

Not to kick you when you are down, but do you know for sure it is just sexting? Might be worth getting yourself checked over.

Oh yeah do this.

Agree. He can't gaslight that. He can't disagree.

If using the sexting requires the OP to keep photos of their chats in case she ever has to prove it (!?) then better to give an alternative reason and "you know what, I'm not feeling this any more, it's not happening in bed or anywhere else" is 100pc true, doesn't require proof (!?) and is impossible to debate or disagree with.

Hope you are ok

She doesn't NEED proof, absolutely agree.

But honestly, the amount of women on here who start to doubt themselves, or their own memory when the scumbag, cheating ex gaslights them.....having the proof can be useful, just for the OP to remind herself that she's not in the wrong.

Sounds wild I know, but it's so easy to start to think you misinterpreted/misread/are remembering wrong - even in a clearcut case like this.

The screenshots are solely for the OP's benefit - it will help keep her focused on what an absolute fuckbag he is.

Mind you, the suggestion about breezily dumping him without mentioning a thing is somewhat hilarious. He won't know what hit him and might make him start to doubt his magnificent self.... In reality, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut but it's an absolutely brilliant idea haha

Just take pictures of his screen with your phone. That way you don’t need to delete anything from his. On a second note what makes you think it’s only sexting and that he hasn’t already met up with her?