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Original poster

Boyfriend 'sexting' another woman

161 replies

cantbelievethiscry · 21/06/2023 18:43

I'm 33, my boyfriend is 34. We have been together four years, loving together for just over a year now.

He has been grumpy with me and staying up later and later till past 2 am when I go up to bed. This isn't usual of him as he gets up to work at 7 am. He said he's just been more tired than usual.

Yesterday morning as he was in the shower, for the first time I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I did. In his archived messages on WhatsApp there was messages with this woman going back months.

Pure and utter filth that doesn't seem like him at all.

Messages from him include, 'you make me feel so much better than her' 'your tits are so much better than hers' 'you're my slave' 'she's up in bed alone and I'm downstairs with you, I chose that' 'we have such a connection, your voice makes me so hard' 'you're a dirty little whore' 'I want you and only you' 'I want to breed you' 'I want you to carry my child'.

And on and on it goes, pictures in between that, voice notes of them both talking dirty to each other, him masturbating etc. I felt sick to my stomach, he has never spoken to me like that and it feels like a complete stranger.

She was sending back things like, 'I want your girlfriend to watch us fuck knowing she can't do anything about it' 'I want to have your babies' 'I can't get enough of you' 'yes I'm a good for nothing slut' 'I worship your dick' etc.

I feel so sick and haven't spoken to anyone about this. This time last week I was so happy and now everything has changed and I feel when I confront him and tell anyone, then it's real.

I wonder, since he's never spoke this way to me, is this some kink or desire he has that I haven't fulfilled? He has never spoken to me like that, if that's what he's into, why hasn't he?

I'm so distraught. I'm sitting in my car in a Tesco car park and have been finished since 5 pm because I cannot be around him without being sick.

I also didn't get any proof as I was scrolling, he was in the shower and I wouldn't have enough time to screenshot and send to myself then delete. Might try that at some point when I can get his phone again.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice on how you would handle this? Should I confront? Should I tell my mum, I'm so embarrassed as she never really likes him and it's like he's proved her right. I never thought he'd do this.

He never wanted children either and he's telling this woman he wants her to carry his child! It's sick

OP posts:
sweetdreamstenasee · 21/06/2023 20:00

ugh that’s horrible I am so sorry you are going through that.

But look, you don’t need proof.

‘hey I saw this on your phone, obviously it’s over between us. I have no idea who you are frankly but this is done’

he denies it and tries to talk you out of this

’Going to stop you there, I saw what I saw, this is over’

he says it’s a kink, that it’s porn, that you’re kink shaming him

’nope I’m not kink shaming you, but this isn’t for me, I’m not a prop for you and your chat partner to have in your fantasies. You go your way and i’ll go mine, this isn’t what I want’

Royalbloo · 21/06/2023 20:04

I'd take his phone and take screen shots. Dont necessarily leave, just have them and keep them and then decide what to do.

What's your situation? Renting or mortgage? Married or living together?

Doesn't matter but having these to hand will help you in EVERY setting. His mum? Tick! His work? Tick! His mates? Tick! Your situation? Tick!

Get them when he's asleep, even if you have to feign an illness and fall asleep downstairs, set an alarm with headphones in and GET YOUR PROOF.

Once he knows, it'll be gone! Poof!

Royalbloo · 21/06/2023 20:05

What he has said and he has said (to me) is perfectly acceptable in a relationship, if that's the kind of relationship you choose to have.

The point here is that he's a cheating scumbag, not his or her choice of words.

Whyjustwhyohwhy · 21/06/2023 20:09

OP - I am so sorry you’re going through this, it is absolutely horrible to discover you’ve been betrayed by someone you trusted.

If you were married or had children I would absolutely agree with other posters that you should hold fire, get your evidence together etc.

But the truth here is, however much you think you’re entangled, you are not in a situation where any evidence of what he has done, or conversation with him, is going to help you more than walking away asap is going to.

There is a cost to staying and knowing what you know, pretending you’re ok, trying to get his phone again, confronting him, having conversations about it etc etc. it’s worth it when you have an end game that will benefit you long term but in your situation it’s a price you just don’t have to pay.

What he said is irrelevant in some ways - he is having an affair, treating you appallingly, has no problem using you as bait in his other relationship (you’re better than her/turn me on more etc etc). He is vile and not someone you want to waste one more second trying to understand. How anyone else feels doesn’t matter, and if your family know he was cheating I hope they will support you in leaving and let that be an end of it.

So the only question you really need to answer is whether you want him to leave right now, or whether you want to. Can you go and stay with a friend or family member while you sort out the practicalities of splitting up?

Do not get sucked into any kind of discussion with him unless it’s about what you’re going to do to sell the house or end your tenancy. He has shown you how little he values you - don’t let him convince you there is any reason to stay together/that this is a never to be repeated moment of madness/that he cares for you. You’ll be so much happier when this man is out of your life. He does NOT deserve you.

He has shown you who he is. Now show him you’re someone who does not tolerate this shit.

Confusedmumannoyedson · 21/06/2023 20:09

I think you know that it is over with this person. Head high, you deserve better than this @cantbelievethiscry

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/06/2023 20:11

sweetdreamstenasee · 21/06/2023 20:00

ugh that’s horrible I am so sorry you are going through that.

But look, you don’t need proof.

‘hey I saw this on your phone, obviously it’s over between us. I have no idea who you are frankly but this is done’

he denies it and tries to talk you out of this

’Going to stop you there, I saw what I saw, this is over’

he says it’s a kink, that it’s porn, that you’re kink shaming him

’nope I’m not kink shaming you, but this isn’t for me, I’m not a prop for you and your chat partner to have in your fantasies. You go your way and i’ll go mine, this isn’t what I want’

I'm not convinced the guy is owed even that level of explanation. Good luck gaslighting a note on the kitchen table. "I've left because I've stopped loving you, Bye."

EvilElsa · 21/06/2023 20:11

What a fucking prick. You'll be well rid of him that's for sure. I wouldn't be overly fussed about getting screenshots of him wanking etc. To be honest I wouldn't even go home and tell him face to face. I'd ring him, tell him you know and that you need to make arrangements about the living situation as you obviously won't be continuing this relationship. I'd be detached, cold and to the point. He doesn't deserve tears. Beauty of the phone is you can hang up. You don't have to listen to ranting, blaming or excuses. Hopefully he will fuck off to stay elsewhere. Hope you are OK OP. Always remember you deserve so much better. It's not your fault.

Qbish · 21/06/2023 20:13

What is your living situation, OP? How are your finances entangled?

Really sorry you are going through this. What a prick.

ReachForTheMars · 21/06/2023 20:14

Why do you need proof?

I'd take the ultimate power move and dump him saying something vague like you just dont think he is the man you want to marry. Make it about him and make him insecure. I wouldnt give him the satisfaction.

MammaTo · 21/06/2023 20:15

cantbelievethiscry · 21/06/2023 18:57

That's why I don't want to say anything yet as he will delete the proof so I need to get access to his phone again. Won't be tonight as he won't come to bed until god knows when.

Thinking tomorrow morning when he goes for shower I just take his phone in the car, leave with it and park up somewhere and send it to myself. Hell know when he comes out of shower but whatever, I need to say something soon

Why do you need proof? You know what you know so just do what you need to!!

Also why does the woman need to have mental health problems to speak like that?

strawberry2017 · 21/06/2023 20:15

You can export the whole chat on whatapp.
You click on the persons name at the top of the chat, scroll down to export chat and then it asks you with or without media and then it gives you the option to email it to yourself.

Original poster
cantbelievethiscry · 21/06/2023 20:19

I've been at my friends house for the evening, he thinks I'm late at work, idiot 😂 we bought the house together just over a year ago. Both out a big deposit down.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 21/06/2023 20:19

Let's just be clear. Sexting is not disgusting.. between your lover, spouse or partner. Women who do this do not have mental health issues.

What is disgusting, is sexting between a man who is already in a relationship and a single woman who is fully aware of that (and vice versa genders)

Op. You're getting a lot of advice about proof buy you're not married so therefore you don't need proof to prove his adulterous ways. I would gather a bit of evidence perhaps to avoid him gaslighting you... but honestly? The sooner you get this piece of shit man out of your life. The better.

I'm so sorry he's such a scumbag.

Original poster
cantbelievethiscry · 21/06/2023 20:19

Thank you for everyone's useful comments. I am reading.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 21/06/2023 20:21

You mentioned money tied up together, how much (don’t mean amounts)?Joint accounts? Rent or owned property??

LePetitChat · 21/06/2023 20:23

The content about breeding etc is most likely just a kink thing- I know that will be of scarce comfort but you said he didn’t want kids so I wouldn’t take that as a declaration he wants kids with her but didn’t with you.

he’s lousy for bringing you into it and cheating. I’m afraid I’d want the proof too though. Simply because you mentioned family disappointment amd financial entanglement. I’d want to make sure I held all the cards in case he tried to gaslight or lie to your family. Assuming you won’t need evidence in this sort of situation assumes you are going to seperate amicably and honestly and he has not been honest. Screw him, I’d be getting all the ammunition I could get.

Doggymummar · 21/06/2023 20:26

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/06/2023 20:21

You mentioned money tied up together, how much (don’t mean amounts)?Joint accounts? Rent or owned property??

She says they own a house together

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 20:28

OrigamiOwls · 21/06/2023 18:58

Absolutely this. Get the proof, so he can't wriggle out of it or gaslit you. Then dump him.

Show quote history

She doesn't need proof, she's already seen it. She doesn't need physical evidence to dump him, it isn't a court of law, FFS.

Op, you can't stay with this man just because of money. He's disgusting and not the person you thought he was. Take a deep breath and admit your mother was 100% dead on about this man. Get rid and start over.

Throwawayme · 21/06/2023 20:32

I don't think you need to have more proof. You've seen it with your own eyes. Get him dumped. What a dick

BadGranny · 21/06/2023 20:34

You really, really, really don’t need to prove it to him. And you can’t unsee what you saw. Just walk away now. End of.

Jl2014 · 21/06/2023 20:36

What do you need proof for? You don’t need him to approve you dumping him. You’ve seen what you need to see. You can’t possibly think there is any hope for this relationship? Do yourself a favour- make the decision and move on. You will not regret it.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 21/06/2023 20:42

Awful!
So sorry this happened op.

What a gross scumbag (I’m not even talking about the cheating part here) he turned out to be.
The ’sexting’ was just repulsive, be glad you didn’t have to suffer that misogynystic shit.
Abd she sounds like a sad woman (and I’m not talking about just being an other woman).

JudgeRinderonTinder · 21/06/2023 20:42

Such a smooth talker 😂

SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 20:43

Thank god you've found out now and not another decade down the road.

I would do as you suggest, take his phone and screenshot it all so that he can't try to gaslight you.

Then, I would probably just text him when he's out, saying something like "As it's a good for nothing slut you're after, that's not me. I've packed your bags and I'm calling the estate agent tomorrow. Best of luck with the dick worshiper 😂

greencheetah · 21/06/2023 20:43

What do you think you need proof for?

Surely it’s just a case of deciding what to do with the house? Can you afford to buy him out or will you have to sell? I would be inclined to ask him to leave, saying you need space having found his disgusting messages.

Telling family and friends is hard but the sooner you get it over with, the sooner you will have real life support and not be dealing with all this alone.

I would wonder what else he had been up to tbh and would probably get an STD check to be on the safe side.

So sorry you are in this position but at least you found out, and you are young, and obviously far too good for a creep like him 🤢