Boyfriend 'sexting' another woman

[cantbelievethiscry]

I'm 33, my boyfriend is 34. We have been together four years, loving together for just over a year now.

He has been grumpy with me and staying up later and later till past 2 am when I go up to bed. This isn't usual of him as he gets up to work at 7 am. He said he's just been more tired than usual.

Yesterday morning as he was in the shower, for the first time I looked at his phone. I know I shouldn't but I did. In his archived messages on WhatsApp there was messages with this woman going back months.

Pure and utter filth that doesn't seem like him at all.

Messages from him include, 'you make me feel so much better than her' 'your tits are so much better than hers' 'you're my slave' 'she's up in bed alone and I'm downstairs with you, I chose that' 'we have such a connection, your voice makes me so hard' 'you're a dirty little whore' 'I want you and only you' 'I want to breed you' 'I want you to carry my child'.

And on and on it goes, pictures in between that, voice notes of them both talking dirty to each other, him masturbating etc. I felt sick to my stomach, he has never spoken to me like that and it feels like a complete stranger.

She was sending back things like, 'I want your girlfriend to watch us fuck knowing she can't do anything about it' 'I want to have your babies' 'I can't get enough of you' 'yes I'm a good for nothing slut' 'I worship your dick' etc.

I feel so sick and haven't spoken to anyone about this. This time last week I was so happy and now everything has changed and I feel when I confront him and tell anyone, then it's real.

I wonder, since he's never spoke this way to me, is this some kink or desire he has that I haven't fulfilled? He has never spoken to me like that, if that's what he's into, why hasn't he?

I'm so distraught. I'm sitting in my car in a Tesco car park and have been finished since 5 pm because I cannot be around him without being sick.

I also didn't get any proof as I was scrolling, he was in the shower and I wouldn't have enough time to screenshot and send to myself then delete. Might try that at some point when I can get his phone again.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, maybe advice on how you would handle this? Should I confront? Should I tell my mum, I'm so embarrassed as she never really likes him and it's like he's proved her right. I never thought he'd do this.

He never wanted children either and he's telling this woman he wants her to carry his child! It's sick

You don't need proof, for anyone else, you know what you have seen, you are allowed to dump him if you have gone off him for any reason. Its not just the cheating by text, but the things he has said about you which are horrible and disrespectful.

Honestly run for the hills and be grateful you've not wasted 20+ years of your life with him. I put up with finding tonnes of stuff on my stbx's phone and I just stayed. He'd promise he'd change, he cried, I arranged for him to go to sex addict anonymous type meetings. Ultimately he was never going to change and he had a full blown affair and left me and our 2 children last year. Yes financially it's a nightmare but I'm glad to finally have peace of mind. Mine used to message random women found on the Internet and I thought it wasn't really cheating (or he'd convince me). Your DP is messaging someone in particular so even worse. Kick him out and get a lodger. He'll never ever change believe me. What a disrespectful arsehole. And my stbx is still with ow but I know his name on fabswingers and he's still on there every day.

Are you mortgaged or renting? In both names? Do you think he'll leave if confronted?

Tell your mum or a friend for real life support and validation whilst you plan your next move

In what ways are you financially linked with this man?

How awful. Splitting up with someone under these circumstances is horrible and there will be a stressful time whilst you sort things out. But once you are rid of him you will feel so much better.

He is scum.

Yes do this. Take his phone even if in the middle of the night and drive somewhere with it then use your phone and take a picture of everything. This is what I did when I found my stbxs secret phone. It didn't change anything but it gave me the evidence I needed for myself.

Just take photos of the messages on your phone. You don't need to send them to yourself.

Must have been a massive shock OP, really sorry.

He will try and minimise and gaslight you probably so make the decision now, tell your family/friends what happened and it's over. Once you say it out loud it makes it real and you can finish it.

You don’t need proof and you don’t even need to tell him why you are ending things if you think he will gaslight you or deny it. Just leave and divide your finances. It’s much easier than you are fearing it to be.

This is actually so much better because screenshots can be faked!

However, I agree with those who have said you don't need proof. Those people that will need to see screenshots to believe you will be on his side anyway, and they won't see you as anything but crazy and vindictive for snooping on his phone and telling them about it.

Leave him, tell him the reason, don't argue, don't resort to dragging other people into it.

Moving on without looking back is literally the best revenge, especially when the entire relationship between those two seems to be based on them getting off on doing it behind your back.

Will it last when it's not forbidden anymore? I doubt it. And I bet she dumps him too.

You can't 'unsee' this. Very sadly it's over. But actually not that sad... You've seen what he is, what he thinks of you. Finances can get un-intertwined. He's done, this but you now know.

If you can wait until tomorrow morning then do what you said - take the phone and drive off - take photos of the convos on your phone and then dump his arse fast.

What's the housing situation op ?

You don’t need proof. People are so ridiculous and dramatic. It’s not a detective show.

You’ve seen the evidence so you’ve got all the information you need to make a decision on the future of the relationship. You don’t need his permission or agreement to end the relationship. You don’t need to listen to any excuses or win any arguments. You already know everything you need to know. End of. Presumably you have more dignity and decorum than to be sending screenshots of explicit messages to all and sundry to convince his family and mates that he’s a ratbag. Who gives a shit what they think? They’re all history. There is no reason at all to mess around taking photos or forwarding messages.

So what? Who's he going to minimise it to? There isn't going to be a public enquiry. There aren't "Relationship Ending Police" that check you had an adequate reason.

If 'minimising' is a concern just don't even tell him why he's getting dumped, he can't minimise if he doesn't know. He can't really argue with "Sorry, I no longer fancy you", which I suspect is now true! That is probably the way out of this with least drama.

(FWIW I'd forgive sexting, if they haven't DTD it's pure fantasy so I don't really see it as different to porn, but I appreciate I'm in a minority of one on that.)

He sounds like my ex from a while back. Trust me, he will gaslight you, despite you seeing it with your own eyes. I would take photos of the messages with your own phone. My ex denied sending similar and said his account had been hacked 😂

Start getting paperwork together and tell him to go to the woman with the better tits. Failing that, his Mummy. Whatever, just get away from this disgusting man as soon as you can.

he is sexting with a woman who lives close by and trash-talking/insulting the OP while at it, as well as withdrawing from their relationship. Very different from ‘fantasy’, IMO. And incredibly disloyal and gross.

Firstly, if he's texting this other woman with such filth, he has no respect for her and will never have respect for you.

If you can get rid of him, do so asap. The sooner, the better.

Op
Doesn't need proof but I think if it were me , I'd want some evidence just in case he starts badmouthing and lying - for my own peace of mind in this situation I think I'd want a couple of photos and they would also be used to remind me why I'd dumped his sorry disgusting arse .

Get the proof, send it to his mother and then dump his ass... you gotta get one back on him op

I agree - you don't need proof but you might wish you had it if he tries to blame you / minimise in any way.

Don't know how you got to this point without losing it though!

It’s the kind of thing that some men pay for. She’s a naive attention-seeker who’s giving him what he wants for free.

Emphatically this. The more I think about it the more I see no advantage to giving this guy detail about why he's getting dumped. OP doesn't owe him a learning experience. She just needs to get out of dodge quick with minimal drama.

Take a day off work, book a man with a van and leave a vague note.

Sorry but why do you need proof? You’ve seen it with your own eyes, regardless of whether he denies it or not, you will both know it’s true. Don’t torture yourself by reading them again. You can end this relationship whenever you want to, with or without the proof.

I’m amazed he found a woman into that. I’d count myself lucky he hasn’t spoke to you like that.

You don't need proof but if he turns nasty or tries to lie, blame you or minimise anything you might be glad you have it..

I wouldn't be able to get past this. It's one thing to have a bit of a kink but to engage with it with someone he knows in real life and be so disrespectful towards you too...nah. Get rid.