To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

I would hope that a couple earning £160k will be able to save up a decent deposit and not be spending anything like £5k a month on mortgage. Also as I say, the £25k private schools won’t be until senior school, more like £10-12k to start with.

She also may need to take a step away from London, I am 40 minutes by train from London so still commutable but don’t need to spend £1m+ on a house. I guess all I was really trying to say was that a very good lifestyle including private school for two children can be achieved on £160k.

I do really dislike the more sneery remarks on the thread about OP subsidising her husband, when husbands have been doing this forever and even now, a majority still do.

@Krystall i'm talking about the lifestyle the op aspires to though.

I do agree with that.

Look at the several comments practically telling OP that she won't be able to continue working full time hours anyway.

There's a lot of sexism, yes, especially on here where vitriol is directed towards working mothers.
But in our case I don't particularly dislike working. I just like it less than he does.
I am more ambitious and went to a better university than him but 'jobs' for me were always means to an end rather than my whole identity.
Had I married a domestic god who was happy to be PT I'd happily steam ahead - but only if his cooking and housekeeping are up to my standards.
Set by my own family men who are exemplary.

Sadly IRL most of the 'unambitious' men I see do not step up domestically and that's the main issue.

Our ideal would be if dh & I could both be pt.

Also @groupery tbh it's not the husband earning less that I'm banging on about. It's more of the deception.
If he realises that his worldview has changed he should be discussing it with his wife. Especially if they shared plans that banked on earning both.
Maybe I'm wrong. I'd be more than happy to be proven so if OP comes back and says her DH does his share at home, caring with kids etc etc.
What is not OK is for the OP to silently bear the burden.

Even when it's the other way around I have the same opinion. People who don't go back to work when the kids are in school for example, even though that was agreed. And they haven't tried to look for a job. on here those situations get lots of support ....that, I find baffling.

× would be great at caring for kids ofc they don't have kids uet

I think deception is a strong word. I'm
a different person in my 30s then I was in my 20s. How do we know he hasn't discussed his feelings? How do we know the op is hearing him or he if wants the same things? we don't know. Its unusual for things to be so black & white, there's normally a bit of grey.

Someone will have to be taking sick days and knock off on time for child care pick ups though. You can’t both work a 50-60hr high flying job and have young DC.

@Krystall not sure why you are factoring in private schools. That's definitely a nice to have but not exactly necessary if you live in an ok area-

I would rather put that money into a home in a good area.

@groupery well because he's not actively looking for a higher paid job? Because OP says 'it feels' meaning he hasn't told her?
I choose to believe the OP unless there's evidence otherwise. But then again, the OP and I are similar in our partner expectations.
I don't overthink and try to poke holes in what she's saying.

DH and I both have senior roles and both work full time. We share nursery pick ups because we both agree that no one's career takes priority.

One person doesn't have to be the default parent, even in 'high flying' roles.

I don't overthink and try to poke holes in what she's saying

Thinking theres more nuance to the narrative that the dh is a lazy, deceptive, sitting on his arse waster isn't poking holes 😆

Sorry who needs 4 masters degrees? Noone but a perpetual student or a retiree!!!

I'd be annoyed too, OP, but instead of talking to us, talk to him.

Noones saying a high pressure job is for everyone but we all know £40k in London is the salary you earn with 2 years exp post masters and he's been working a little longer than tgat.

You need to help him kick himself into gear...

Good luck

Agree. It's baffling someone who earns 40k a year is considered to be sitting on their arse. What does that make nurses, teachers, office clerks, supermarket staff and just about anyone who earns less than that? Fucking losers, presumably?

A Ph.D will be torture for him if he has low drive. Its years and years of staying directed and focussed.

He has 3 x Masters already? Surely a 4th isn't necessary. Surely it's better to move jobs to a better paid one than the one he's on?

But doing three Masters' - Masterses? 😂- must also require a lot of hard work and dedication.

i actually pity some of the men on here with these go getting ball busting women- god forbid if they get a chronic illness, have a serious accident, lose a business or have a child requiring a lot of one to one care. life can sometimes have a funny way of kicking you in the nuts if you base your life totally on 2 high earning incomes - and i would say exactly the same to a guy too

Yes. I have a Masters and they are tough but once you do it you know the score- easy to repeat. Its actually career limiting to have that many Masters and be on 40k. A recruiter would grill him on that.

But this can happen to anyone regardless of salary. To a certain extent most people live to their means - more so in lower income households as there is less discretionary income in the first place

I feel for you OP. Some cruelty on tonight.

40k gets you nowhere in London, and he won’t have the pension, perks and social
housing access of similarly paid public sector workers either.

No one needs 4 MAs.

Aside from that, I’d talk to him
about how he plans to fund his and his family’s life.

Those aren't choices. There's a difference.

Hm, I understand where you are coming from. He has kind of moved the goal post. You have thought you were always on the same page in terms of aspirations and work ethic. And now you are not. I understand how unnerving that could be. I think you need to tale some time to figure this out. It feels to me that he has taken the foot off the has because he can. And he can do so because of your salary. And you need to figire out NOW before kids, if that dynamic is something you are ok with. Really ok with. When you have children this could potentially lead to alot of resentment.

Personally, I would not be happy. Jay Z said in an interview ones that one of things he loves most about Beyonce is that they both hussle. He said he wouldn't want to be married to a leach. They both
cook and do the home stuff too. Its a partnership. Clearly, I am no Beyonce but that mentality is how we run things at home too. We do push career wise amd support eachother. We both do inset days. If my dh said actually, I am going to take a step back and just coast along on X salary I am not sure I would be om with that.

Absolutely.