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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Menomidge · 21/06/2023 20:19

Maybe the wages would have been ok in a parallel universe. However maybe it's the frustration of trying to keep it all ticking over due to massive increases in food electric petrol rents etc etc .This doesn't help you as you watch your disposable income dwindling You wonder if the mortgage and the travel ever will become reality.
Maybe it's just comfy for DH at the moment. We have just got over COVID . Things need time.

Maybe he will regain his drive again in a couple years. And at that point he will have done the degree and completed his obligation. 2 years is nothing really. Give it a little time 😁

rainyskylight · 21/06/2023 20:19

Hi OP. My DH and I earn roughly similar, in a London.

If he were to get that high powered job and you have kids then you might regret that he left his comfortable job with a nice late start time. If he’s the type to pull his weight properly within the family then having him doing the nursery runs whilst you’re stuck in meetings could be a great relief. For you both to have “high powered” jobs you need to pay a LOT on extra care and for flexible paid help. It might not be worth it.

DrSbaitso · 21/06/2023 20:22

Lndnmummy · 21/06/2023 20:14

Hm, I understand where you are coming from. He has kind of moved the goal post. You have thought you were always on the same page in terms of aspirations and work ethic. And now you are not. I understand how unnerving that could be. I think you need to tale some time to figure this out. It feels to me that he has taken the foot off the has because he can. And he can do so because of your salary. And you need to figire out NOW before kids, if that dynamic is something you are ok with. Really ok with. When you have children this could potentially lead to alot of resentment.

Personally, I would not be happy. Jay Z said in an interview ones that one of things he loves most about Beyonce is that they both hussle. He said he wouldn't want to be married to a leach. They both
cook and do the home stuff too. Its a partnership. Clearly, I am no Beyonce but that mentality is how we run things at home too. We do push career wise amd support eachother. We both do inset days. If my dh said actually, I am going to take a step back and just coast along on X salary I am not sure I would be om with that.

Jay Z said in an interview ones that one of things he loves most about Beyonce is that they both hussle. He said he wouldn't want to be married to a leach.

I'm not sure Jay Z has much place to talk about what he'd put up with in a marriage.

User0224 · 21/06/2023 20:23

Sirzy · 21/06/2023 18:18

Money doesn’t buy happiness

Oof for me it does. Nice bottle of wine, nice dinners out, nice holidays, nice house. I’d be very happy with more money if anyone’s feeling generous!

WandaWonder · 21/06/2023 20:24

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:28

We are both very driven people, and share a goal of wanting to get onto the property ladder, and to travel the world. So this requires more than an average salary unfortunately.

He earn £40k a year rather than £80-100k in another job. In London, 40k doesn't go that far.

Well it doesn't seem like you both are really, I would be fine with with what your partner is doing same as he would be with me, life is not all about money

Densol57 · 21/06/2023 20:25

I agree totally OP. What many MNs dont understand is to earn £120k - its really rather stressful. You are working your socks off and he is just coasting on £40k a year. Plus to do a 4th masters is ridiculous.

Its very hard to change unmotivated people. I think its your decision whether you stay with someone going in a different direction and are prepared to support that person too. I wouldnt as I have before and it builds resentment

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 20:27

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 19:56

Agree. It's baffling someone who earns 40k a year is considered to be sitting on their arse. What does that make nurses, teachers, office clerks, supermarket staff and just about anyone who earns less than that? Fucking losers, presumably?

Reading comprehension not your strong suit?
It's not the absolute salary, but the earning potential, which I stated earlier.
40K is fabulous for a nurse, teacher whatever. Presumably nobody marries one of them expecting them to earn double.

Change it to a lower salary - earning 20K but could do 40K. I doubt that the replies would be similar.

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 20:28

GeriatricMumma · 21/06/2023 17:26

Who says they can't work long hours? I've got three children, I have a high pressure job working long hours.
My husband is a teacher but also has another business outside of that.

Having children doesn't mean giving up your aspirations to have a good job.

How great is that for the kids🤦‍♀️

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 20:28

Densol57 · 21/06/2023 20:25

I agree totally OP. What many MNs dont understand is to earn £120k - its really rather stressful. You are working your socks off and he is just coasting on £40k a year. Plus to do a 4th masters is ridiculous.

Its very hard to change unmotivated people. I think its your decision whether you stay with someone going in a different direction and are prepared to support that person too. I wouldnt as I have before and it builds resentment

Exactly!
But you know, you'll get replies with lots of people saying 'well if OP wants to coast too she can just not earn 160K'.

Never mind the fact that it's more tax efficient to have 2 people earning more than one higher and one lower...

Stravaig · 21/06/2023 20:29

There is no judgemental right/wrong bunfight here.

You got together on the basis that you were both committed to achieving certain financial and career progression goals, and that is no longer true for DH. Of course you will re-evaluate your life together, and if you still have a shared future, and if you can afford to pay for it, and if the relationship still feels equitable. In fact, responsible planning requires that you do this.

You can adjust your own ideas about the future. Or you can choose to leave him. It's understandable to feel betrayal, anger, sadness; to grieve the loss of the relationship and future you thought you had. What you cannot do is prevent DH from changing, or force him to do what you want.

First though, talk it all through with him. I'd be having words about his unilateral decision making when it affects me too, as well as a fourth masters without extra income to show for it!

TheRussiansAreComing · 21/06/2023 20:34

I think you should leave him. Do the poor soul a favour. You sound too materialistic for me.

MummyJasmin · 21/06/2023 20:34

Poor chap. I hope he's not made to feel emasculated?
Maybe he isn't as driven as you want him to be OP. He could just be happy where he is and like the flexibility etc.
Assuming he's a decent person who love you...Surely that matters?

G5000 · 21/06/2023 20:36

How great is that for the kids🤦‍♀️

Yes it's only great for kids if the dad has a high powered job and mum is a teacher, you see..

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 20:41

@SouthLondonMum22 Thing is though , I'm not sure if this is a choice with this guy- the fact he has done 3 masters already indicates to me there may be a touch of the perpetual student in there and that he isn't actually an £80-100k kind of guy in reality when it comes to the nitty gritty. So the fact he wants a nice house and travelling and all that gubbins isn't relevant if he's not got that drive /ability in there. Only the OP I think would know if this is an actual 'choice' or if deep down she knows they aren't quite on the same page -

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 20:41

Favouritefruits · 21/06/2023 19:08

Who cares how much he earns if he’s happy, I think doing a job you enjoy is worth far more I’d rather earn 20kand be happy than earning 100k and be stressed and miserable. Money isn’t everything.

It doesn't have to be 'either/or'!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 20:43

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 20:28

How great is that for the kids🤦‍♀️

Men have high powered jobs and work long hours all of the time. Why is it only an issue when women do it?

BeverlyHa · 21/06/2023 20:45

lol, money is never enough. this is for sure

Polew · 21/06/2023 20:45

as for everybody saying £160k a year can get you a house & family in london is severely overlooking the fact that she wont be purchasing them as a set 🤨 🤣

caringcarer · 21/06/2023 20:47

OP, is getting a hard time here but sometimes it's about ambition and drive. If OP found that attractive about him now he doesn't have it anymore then I can see she would be disappointed. My dh is incredibly bright. I love that he can figure out things faster than others. It's part of who he is and I find that very attractive. I'd not be as attracted to him if he took an easier job with no problem solving and lost his drive and ambition.

Polew · 21/06/2023 20:47

^ *& will need a partner who can match her income ebs & flows

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 20:47

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 20:43

Men have high powered jobs and work long hours all of the time. Why is it only an issue when women do it?

It’s not an issue if either an msn or woman does it, but here the mum said she was working long hours, the dad was a teacher (which we are constantly told means working long hours plus another job on top) it would appear neither parent has much time for the 3 kids.

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 20:53

@OMG12 depending on the type of job long hours doesn't mean less family time. It's very hard though if you're not suited to it and/or can't afford to buy in help.

Senior people where I work for example - early start before kids wake up, off to school. Log off on time but then back at it when kids in bed.

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 20:54

Stravaig · 21/06/2023 20:29

There is no judgemental right/wrong bunfight here.

You got together on the basis that you were both committed to achieving certain financial and career progression goals, and that is no longer true for DH. Of course you will re-evaluate your life together, and if you still have a shared future, and if you can afford to pay for it, and if the relationship still feels equitable. In fact, responsible planning requires that you do this.

You can adjust your own ideas about the future. Or you can choose to leave him. It's understandable to feel betrayal, anger, sadness; to grieve the loss of the relationship and future you thought you had. What you cannot do is prevent DH from changing, or force him to do what you want.

First though, talk it all through with him. I'd be having words about his unilateral decision making when it affects me too, as well as a fourth masters without extra income to show for it!

This is quite a sensible and balanced post.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 20:55

You’re bankrolling a perpetual student, who knows he’s on to an easy ride with you.

Fourth masters?? What’s the fucking point?!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 20:55

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 20:47

It’s not an issue if either an msn or woman does it, but here the mum said she was working long hours, the dad was a teacher (which we are constantly told means working long hours plus another job on top) it would appear neither parent has much time for the 3 kids.

Plenty of parents both work full time. They can still make time for their children.