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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 19:13

BCCGoAway · 21/06/2023 19:10

£160k is big bucks and frankly as you plan to have children one day it is better that there is such disparity in salaries. One of you will have to cut back on hours and will need a more flexible, lower pressure job…in this case it is looking like your DH on £40k is a good SAHD or PT working dad candidate as you are on £120k and on track for more.

It’s actually really really good for your future chances as a young family that he is not career driven. I’d not be trying to change him into a big career man with a very important job, so I’m always busy man in your shoes.

No one has to cut back on hours at all. Not if they don't want to or one doesn't agree to it.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2023 19:13

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:28

We are both very driven people, and share a goal of wanting to get onto the property ladder, and to travel the world. So this requires more than an average salary unfortunately.

He earn £40k a year rather than £80-100k in another job. In London, 40k doesn't go that far.

Divorce him. He clearly isn't good enough for you. Tell him it was false advertising and you want someone who'll earn more money.

groupery · 21/06/2023 19:13

@BookLover7777 it would still take years to save 300k though.

Wife2b · 21/06/2023 19:13

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 18:06

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

Living in London is a choice. With your salary alone, nevermind combined you could have a decent home to raise children in many other lovely places other than London which is overpriced and the cost of living is extortionate.

Having a higher paid job doesn’t guarantee happiness. A friend of mine has recently been promoted in a different company with a pay increase from 50k to approx 110k, he’s only been doing it for 2 months, is miserable and regretting his decision but the financial pressure due to IVF keeps him going. You and your husband need to decide on what your priorities are and if you can’t agree then at least you’ve found out now.

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 19:14

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:11

@BookLover7777 even if the OP could - why should she? Unless she really LOVES working. Why should she subside her H sitting on his arse.

Like lots of men do the other way round??

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 19:14

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:11

@BookLover7777 even if the OP could - why should she? Unless she really LOVES working. Why should she subside her H sitting on his arse.

He's not sitting on his arse! He's earning 40k - a salary many poster on MN and in general would kill to earn. Plus the idea that you can only equate life success and happiness with earning big bucks is disheartening. Fine if OP doesn't want to bankroll him, cut him loose and find someone who earns six-figures. But I bet she'll regret it when they're juggling childcare and two crazy schedules.

groupery · 21/06/2023 19:14

Why should she subside her H sitting on his arse.

🙄 he has a job, why do you assume he doesn't contribute?

WishIwasElsa · 21/06/2023 19:15

There is a lot to be said for having a job you like and are happy in and you said its pays a decent wage. It's not all about loads of money if your then stressed and miserable.

BretonBlue · 21/06/2023 19:16

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 19:06

I'm not being cagey, I'm not revealing anything I think might be identifying. We bought our house not many years ago but I don't want to specify the date.

The point I was trying to make is that it IS possible to live on 80k when OP is actually saying she and her DP have 160k to live on but he needs to earn more. They could afford our house.

Only with a deposit of £400k plus, and I imagine DH’s student loan repayments would clobber their affordability tests.

Regardless you clearly have no intention of acknowledging that the path you took is now closed even to someone earning double your salary so I will bid you a pleasant evening.

Wife2b · 21/06/2023 19:16

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:11

@BookLover7777 even if the OP could - why should she? Unless she really LOVES working. Why should she subside her H sitting on his arse.

Where does it say he is sitting on his arse? He has a full time job and is earning 40k which is a lot more than some people will ever be able to afford.

RogueWanderer · 21/06/2023 19:17

I think you need to think about what you want in a husband. If he brings in 100k but is never home and starts to have health problems because the job doesn’t suit him, that’s not necessarily better.

Krystall · 21/06/2023 19:18

Nobody would bat an eyelid if the husband earned £120k and wife earned £40k. She wouldn’t be accused of lacking drive or whatever. 🙄 It is good to sometimes see it the other way around, progress in a way. It is almost a shame that it is not acceptable for a man to earn less.

There is a lot to be said about a stress free job and maybe he will have flexibility to take on more of the childcare responsibilities in due course, like drop or pick up etc.

I also did the sums on take home pay of the two salaries and it would be sufficient to put two children through private school costing £25k a year each (less until senior) and have about £5k per month to live on, seems ok to me.

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 19:18

BretonBlue · 21/06/2023 19:16

Only with a deposit of £400k plus, and I imagine DH’s student loan repayments would clobber their affordability tests.

Regardless you clearly have no intention of acknowledging that the path you took is now closed even to someone earning double your salary so I will bid you a pleasant evening.

Of course it's not closed to OP! You don't think she could buy a flat on 160k a year to get on the property ladder now? No, she wants to go straight to a house. We started in a one-bed – she could do the same.

DrSbaitso · 21/06/2023 19:20

OP, what does the extra money mean to you? Is there stuff you want to buy that you can't afford on £160k and if so, what is it and why do you want it?

Or do you just not like the idea of him earning so much less than you, and you'd feel the same if he was on £120k but you were on £250k?

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:21

@BookLover7777 The value of flats in London has stagnated - you need to actually build some equity in order to upsize.
Moving is also expensive, the housing ladder only works if you're not an older buyer needing to move soon after your first purchase with kids.

None of us can comment whether or not the OP is in a position to get what she wants and even in your case you had the combined equity of ont one, but TWO flats...yes?

groupery · 21/06/2023 19:21

I also did the sums on take home pay of the two salaries and it would be sufficient to put two children through private school costing £25k a year each (less until senior) and have about £5k per month to live on, seems ok to me.

It would be tight because the lifestyle the OP wants means a lot of that 5k would be taken up by mortgage. As I said upthread she can't have the nice house/nice area/private school on 160k. But she can still buy in London

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:22

Wife2b · 21/06/2023 19:16

Where does it say he is sitting on his arse? He has a full time job and is earning 40k which is a lot more than some people will ever be able to afford.

What 'some people' can afford us irrelevant. They are not OP and her husband.
Earning less than his potential is sitting on his arse, yes, unless he acknowledges it and stops future faking the OP.

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:22

@groupery as above.

groupery · 21/06/2023 19:24

Of course it's not closed to OP! You don't think she could buy a flat on 160k a year to get on the property ladder now? No, she wants to go straight to a house. We started in a one-bed – she could do the same

I've been saying for a few years that it's better to skip the flat stage for most FTBs due to older ages/stamp duty/high initial prices & stagnant growth. I have to disagree with you there.

I would future proof as much a possible & buy a house in the outer zones (look somewhere with future transport developments & good schools) rather than choosing a flat.

Sittingonabench · 21/06/2023 19:25

Life’s a marathon not a sprint it sounds like he values the journey. Neither of you are wrong but perhaps he values the process, growth and structure of education. Maybe he enjoys the culture and environment he’s in. It may be that in 10 years a high flying career could end in burn out and a severe cliff in income but a balanced way leads to longer term security. I know people who have gone both paths and both have pros and cons - neither way is perfect

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 19:25

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 19:14

Like lots of men do the other way round??

Like lots of FATHERS do.
Because someone needs to care for the kids.
And often, after both have worked hard to build assets.
Which is the plan for me and DH. He loves working, I am so-so. Thanks to our combined high salaries we were n a good financial position for kids but we would never have done it if we hadn't both pulled our weight BEFORE reproducing. Hmmm?

groupery · 21/06/2023 19:25

@MykonosMaiden we have different opinions of what sitting on your arse means obviously.

Mollylegs · 21/06/2023 19:28

@AllTheChaos You did what you needed to do so your DD survived, good on you. She has a home albeit tiny, but it is a home. food on the table and her mother there for her, I'm sure at just a phonecall away. Your doing a top job in my book xx

groupery · 21/06/2023 19:28

He loves working, I am so-so

It's interesting that the narrative is men always love working & it's seen as positive trait. Never really a positive for women particularly mothers

raabbgghhrbb123 · 21/06/2023 19:30

40k is an amazing amount. I'm going for promotions currently and am failing these just to reach 40k. I am driven, I have a degree etc etc. You can't put a price on work life happiness.

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