To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Your caginess about the date is very telling.

I understand it’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that things have gone backwards so hard and so fast but in less than a generation the path you took to your lovely house that is now worth £1m is completely closed to a couple who are 10-15 years behind you on a salary of £80k.

@BookLover7777 I agree the op can buy on 160k

I know people who’ve left high earning jobs to go and work in a rescue centre or with ex drug addicts as it’s not all about the money

One of my husband's colleagues gave up his extremely well paid job (100k+)
and took a job as cleaner and handyman in the office where I worked. It's full time hours but I can't imagine it's even a quarter of his previous salary.
He worked in London and our office is in a county town so no London wages here. I chatted to him often, he explained why he did it, he was feeling totally burned out in his mid forties, rarely saw the kids, started to wonder if this was actually 'it'.

His wife also works in London and is an equally high earner but the difference is she really enjoys it, and it's a totally different area. More 'imagination' than technology. For her there are no midnight stress-fests to launch a new system for a customer. And it turns out she doesn't mind at all. No tying themselves in knots for childcare. The kids are at school. He can now drop them off stress free, go and do a job he enjoys and pick them up after school club. She knows they're always with their Dad, and she's more relaxed in that knowledge. She can arrive home at 8pm to a calm, organised household. He's happy, she's happy, the kids are happy. There are fewer all inclusive holidays in Antigua, but meh. I know what I'd choose.

It is hard to have two people going full pelt in demanding jobs when you have small kids.

Like many families I expect that the higher earner will carry on full time, and it won’t make much difference for the lower earner to go part time and pick up the slack. That will make managing drop offs / pick ups / illness / school holidays more feasible.

No idea. Bought at the top of the market in 2007, maybe?

I kind of sympathise. I married someone who earned a decent salary (although no where near your figure). I was paid similar and assumed we would be on the same career progression path. Skip to 10 years and 2 kids later and DH experiencing serious mental health issues and leaving his job. After a lot of time, counselling and medication he is now in a job he loves but earns a lot less. It’s hard because I never wanted to be a career woman and also earn under £40k (good for my sector) but I love my husband and want him to be well. In an ideal world it would be different but shit happens!

My point is, it's ridiculous to say you cannot live comfortably in London on a combined salary of 80k. We live in a 'nice' part of north London too

You would struggle if you had high housing costs though which could easily be 2k a month plus & had to pay for childcare. But as you said the Op has double that

If his ambition was something you found attractive, I can understand that him now being a perpetual student (four masters?!) without a clear career plan would be a turn off or affect how you feel about him. It doesn’t matter how much you’re earning, it’s the lack of shared ambition and what that means for your future that is the real issue in my view. You had a plan that you thought you’d both bought into and were committed to achieving and now that’s changed dramatically on his end. He’s allowed to change what he wants, and you’re allowed to decide that this change doesn’t work for you.

I hope you can sort things out together and perhaps settle on some kind of compromise. Plans and goals can change when life bumbles on, he needs to be honest with you about how he wants to move forward with his career. Sometimes when plans are too rigid and then don’t come to fruition it can feel like a bigger blow. Good luck.

@ThanksItHasPockets no they said they got on the ladder in 2003. I wish I could have got on then!

And you do earn big, big £££ so what’s your problem?

Fourth masters?

I can't help wondering how he funded those. If there's family money somewhere, does it change your feelings or is it more about drive and ambition?

I'm not being cagey, I'm not revealing anything I think might be identifying. We bought our house not many years ago but I don't want to specify the date.

The point I was trying to make is that it IS possible to live on 80k when OP is actually saying she and her DP have 160k to live on but he needs to earn more. They could afford our house.

The point I was trying to make is that it IS possible to live on 80k when OP is actually saying she and her DP have 160k to live on but he needs to earn more. They could afford our house.

Not without a hefty deposit as they wouldn't be able to borrow 1m.

Of course there is still room for people to change and grow, and hopefully there is room for compromise when couples have different feelings on a matter. But sometimes it’s just too fundamental and it’s time to split up. If the OP feels strongly about this it is probably better for them to part ways now, before children come into it, because he’s unlikely to change.

Who cares how much he earns if he’s happy, I think doing a job you enjoy is worth far more I’d rather earn 20kand be happy than earning 100k and be stressed and miserable. Money isn’t everything.

Do you think a middle earner would have had the luxury of stepping down to be a cleaner?
You need to be a higher earner FIRST in order to do that sort of thing, which is precisely the OP's point. Although she mentions things like travel.

If one person doesn't bust their balls from the start at least the plan falls apart.

You can certainly live in London on a combined salary of £160k. You could do it on your salary alone. But obviously you'd live even better on nearly double that.

But I don't think the issue is what you wouldn't be buying as much as the resentment that's obviously already kicking in. Do you feel like you're carrying him?

It's doable. 120k a year = 8.8k a month. Even accounting for high rents, that still suggests a lot of disposable income to save, especially when you have no dependents yet.

I was on his side until you said it will be his 4th master’s degree.

And I agree that he needs to think about what happens when you as a couple decide to start a family. Besides being able to pay for a house, another consideration is that you will be carrying the baby for nine months and so will need at least emotional support if not additional help from him, will need maternity leave and may wish to stay home until nursery instead of paying for childcare and therefore not spending as much time as you’d like with dc.

The way it is now, he could say well you make more money than I do, so I’ll stay home with dc. Which takes the choice away from you, the one who carried the baby for nine months, gave birth, dealt with any complications and other factors, and likely to be breastfeeding. If both are earning well, the discussion of who might stay home for a time is more even handed.

£160k is big bucks and frankly as you plan to have children one day it is better that there is such disparity in salaries. One of you will have to cut back on hours and will need a more flexible, lower pressure job…in this case it is looking like your DH on £40k is a good SAHD or PT working dad candidate as you are on £120k and on track for more.

It’s actually really really good for your future chances as a young family that he is not career driven. I’d not be trying to change him into a big career man with a very important job, so I’m always busy man in your shoes.

But not everyone would be happy in that situation such as OP. That's the point.

@BookLover7777 even if the OP could - why should she? Unless she really LOVES working. Why should she subside her H sitting on his arse.

I’ve always been the higher earner out of me and DH, over the years the gap has significantly increased but the importance of it decreased.

when we got married work and career ambitions were really important but now we have kids, morals and values are more important. Based on the salaries mentioned here I am definitely a high earner and my husband is average. However I love my job whilst DH would find promotions too much stress so he says no thanks. He’s completely different to me in terms of how he views work but we are similar in terms of how we want to bring up our kids and that’s more significant to me.

in the early years I couldn’t get my head around his lack of ambition (he had more qualifications than me) but now I would rather he was happy and mentally stable and we have plenty from my income.

Absolutely. Neither DH or I are big spenders and we’re older than the OP so housing isn’t such a driver. DH is tired now and wants to give up and my only question is can he downsize and earn enough to cover our essential outgoings (our children are still young so most are related to them). I don’t see him as an ATM and wouldn’t leave just because he didn’t earn enough but can see that I wouldn’t have married him if he hadn’t have earned as much iyswim.