To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

I hope if I ever get married it's for love and not earning potential and nice houses

it’s not an either/or, as you can indeed have both. Shared attitudes and plans when it comes to money are important, and it’s foolish to think they’re not. Love can turn to resentment and dislike very quickly if you find yourself on a different page to your partner.

If a marriage is dependent on someone's earning potential, it's a shite marriage and I feel sorry for everyone involved

I have more time to do things round the house on my day off but we divvy things up and we each choose to do them when it suits us. He does the cooking and food shopping whereas I do the ironing and bill paying. There's other stuff obviously but I have spoken to him about the division of labour and we've evened it out more.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

For me, a happy marriage is dependent on not only love, but shared outlook and goals (and yes that does indeed involve finances!). That’s fine if you don’t like it, it isn’t necessary for you to approve.

If you don't think it matters to have a shared outlook towards finances with your life partner, then you are free to ignore it when looking for someone, discussing your compatibility and going through life together. Good luck.

Why are you assuming things op hasn’t wrote?

The Dh isn’t posting. We can only go off what op is saying like on all thread. She said they made and agreed a plan.

You have decided this grown man half hearted listened to ops plan, have some platitudes of ‘that’s nice dear’ but was never on board, then he married her knowing that he wasn’t on board. That would make him a really shitty person. You don’t mislead someone into thinking you have the same life plan, pretend to agree then marry them and back track.

Is it not more likely that he changes his mind? Your version makes him a shit.

Besides which, if we can all add bits in, shall I add in that in a few years he probably won’t work at all. He is going to get sacked. The type to have an affair. All of that is as irrelevant as your opinion that he didn’t actually agree to it. How would you even know that?

Let’s hope you don’t marry someone who pretends their goals align with yours and then backs out.

Totally agree.

That was meant to say totally agree with the comments disagreeing with you 🤣 it didn't put the quote in aha.

Clearly too early for my brain to engage properly.

Nobody needs to add bits in. The OP was clear that the DH wasn’t wishy washy “that’s nice dear”. In fact he was very specific.

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him.

For me, it’s based on equality and shared goals including finances.

I would not agree to marry someone if it meant carrying the majority of the financial load because the other person didn’t fancy it.

The lack of reading comprehension on here Is astounding

It’s deliberate. Probably taken directly from ‘A Beginner’s Guide to Sophistry’.

If a marriage is dependent on someone's earning potential, it's a shite marriage and I feel sorry for everyone involved

It's part of the bigger picture. I want what I believe is best for our family and that includes financial stability and a certain lifestyle. I want not to stress about paying bills, I don't want to tell my DC they can't do an activity because we can't afford it. I want them to be able to travel and see the world, and not on a shoestring. I've been poor and I really didn't like it. This does not mean that other people should want the same. But my partner should.

When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him.

It amazes me how much weight is being put on this statement. For all we know they may have been 19 year old undergrads when they had this conversation. Adolescent bravado based on zero real world experience does not amount to a shared life plan.

When you actually get to the stage of life where you understand what it takes to earn the big bucks, you may well decide that it's not for you, and that's when the serious conversations need to start. When I was 19, 20, 21 I wanted to do all sorts of things that never actually came about.

There are some crazy opinions on this thread, such as working a low-stress full time job you love for £40K is "coasting". Nobody I know who earns £40K is coasting, and surely nobody sane actively seeks out career paths that they know in advance are going to be severely stressful to them. Stress is a huge killer. Not much point planning your £250K lifestyle when dh is dead of a heart attack at 40 years old.

There seems to be a pernicious opinion among high earners that if someone earns a quarter as much as them, they must only work a quarter as hard, or must be 4 times lazier, or some variation of that theme.

@MaybeSmaller Yep I posted as such a while back- it's an incredibly arrogant view

Exactly this!!

Agreed.

I find it extraordinary that so many don't get that financial compatibility is crucial to marital harmony.

He sold himself as one person and quickly decided that in fact a 4th, a 4th!!! Masters was preferable to moving forward in his career.

Clearly the OP is on one original path and 4th Masters boy is now on a different one completely.

On this basis she should take ANY statement from him going forward with a complete pinch of salt.

He has shown her who he is, unreliable, and she should walk whilst she can.

A 4th Masters is a wonderful hobby for someone with the money to fund it, not for someone at the beginning of a marriage wanting to purchase a home and start a family.

The OP has quietly been out manoeuvred by him and has been placed in the adult, high earning position where their London lifestyle will be dependent on her career trajectory.

OP, if you were my daughter I would be warning you to think long and hard about what you want and how you feel about a future that is going to be largely on your shoulders.

He has changed the posts, as he can anytime, but you do not have to accept it as a given.

He has very sneakily pulled a fast one on the OP, and I for one don't believe for a second this is accidental.

He's lazy, but not stupid.

The OP has been sold a pup, long enough to get married and now he has a new vastly different plan.

Up to the OP if she wants to remain married and trusting of someone who would do this.

Expect short mat leaves OP as women with big careers often return very quickly as the jobs need them and the London lifestyle demands it, particularly when they shoulder it alone.

Oh and those that study endlessly find it a great reason to avoid sharing the house hold duties load etc.

Apologies if the above is harsh, but reality often is!

You've missed the point completely.
It's not the salary , it's the earning potential of the industry.
Nobody would consider a teacher or nurse on £40K coasting.
An IT professional? Definitely, seeing as that's the starting salary for a big company IT grad scheme in London (and others offer more!).

Also OP's health is important too.

This is a tricky one. Presumably if you earn a similar salary to him you would be unable to finance your lifestyle so yes in a way he is relying on you to subsidise you both.
Without knowing your husband it's difficult to gauge where he's at, but comfortable seem to cover it. He's happy with the status quo. If I was earning your salary I would not be happy that I'm not on the property ladder and if youre thinking about starting a family you need to do some serious talking. If your visions aren't aligned nows the time to quit and go your separate ways.
Just throwing in some ideas. Do you need to stay in London ie could you have a better quality of life elsewhere, maybe on a lower joint income? If you're both looking to start a family are there options for him to be the main care giver, so maybe part time/SAH? Are there additional courses he could take over the next 2 years or so that would increase his earning power? Could he do that alongside work/childcare? Are you emotionally ready for a family now?
I think you need to both lay your cards on the table but with the best will in the world people do change their minds and whilst I get your frustration, letting that bubble up into resentment is futile. Agree or disagree on your future goals and come up with a plan. This will of course need to be time specific and if expectations aren't met you need to be very clear with him and yourself what the outcome is.

It’s coasting when you’ve got the qualifications and opportunity to achieve more.

“Adolescent bravado based on zero real world experience does not amount to a shared life plan.”

And what are you basing that assumption on? OP at least knows the man she’s married to, you don’t. It’s quite the assumption that you’ve got a better idea of what he really meant than she does. Are we supposed to never trust our partners, despite the conversations had discussing plans for a shared future? OP did commit herself to those goals, believing they were a team working together. He’s benefiting from her drive and achievements, and not even trying to meet her halfway as he led her to believe he would. That is why he is coasting.

Of course he could legitimately have changed his mind. Such a lifestyle doesn’t suit everyone and that’s fine, it doesn’t have to. However, that does mean that a fundamental incompatibility has been exposed in OP’s relationship. Him changing his mind is not something OP has to just accept and roll with.

At what point on MN is it acceptable to work as a team to facilitate the career of one person: £100k, £200k, £300k, £400k, £500k plus?

There are also the careers where flex is increasingly difficult: barrister, surgeon, pilot, etc.

I

Apologies- wrong thread.

Not having foreign travel and a big house doesn't cause health issues

Except it’s not simple circumstance that he is earning what he does.

These are choices he is actively making.

Why would he be dead at 40? The majority of people who earn a lot of money don’t drop dead at 40. And of those that do, there’s no proof that wouldn’t have happened anyway.

The choices is that you can be a high earner but you will die at 40. Or a middle earner and die at old age. Or low earner and really old age. In fact life expectancy lowers, the less you earn. The areas of the country where life expectancy is at its lowest are the some of the poorest areas.

I am surprised how many people are putting weight on their entirely made up situation where this wasn’t a clear plan. Even though Op says it was. Op said it was a solid plan. I can’t believe so many people think it can’t possibly have been because they wouldn’t have made that plan. Your whole opinion is based on something you made up.

No one said anyone who earners less works less hard. But the man, that the thread is about, has decided to take an easier road than he and Op planned. That’s his choice. Doesn’t mean op has to stay. He is actively choosing this and could progress is choosing not to. It’s not like he is trapped in a job.

Or low earner and really old age. In fact life expectancy lowers, the less you earn. The areas of the country where life expectancy is at its lowest are the some of the poorest areas.

Life expectancy is extrapolated across population, it certainly doesn’t translate into it being lower on an individual level.