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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2023 12:22

@ProfessorXtra they need to talk about it and she is of course well within her rights to split up if his expectations and values no longer tie in with hers. As I said it comes down to how much she/he really love each other and value the relationship - not just his/her earning power.

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 12:45

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 11:38

Not having foreign travel and a big house doesn't cause health issues

No, but the added stress of knowing you’re the one carrying the majority of the financial burden can. Especially when you thought your partner wanted the same as you, and was committed to maximizing their income as you have been.

Your entire position seems to be that OP is wrong because you think she’s materialistic. You’re totally ignoring that while it may be inherently unreasonable for someone to change their mind in regards to life plans they’ve made with their partner, it’s also not unreasonable for their partner to decide that’s not the life they want. Money, children, where to live, it doesn’t matter. The issue is a fundamental incompatibility has become apparent. I’m sure you can see why that would be a problem for OP, but instead you’re choosing to berate her because you don’t approve of what she wants from life.

She wants a large house and to travel. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, and it doesn’t matter if you personally don’t want/can’t have them. No one said you had to, yet you seem to think OP should have to settle for less than she wants because it’s works for you.

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 12:51

Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2023 12:22

@ProfessorXtra they need to talk about it and she is of course well within her rights to split up if his expectations and values no longer tie in with hers. As I said it comes down to how much she/he really love each other and value the relationship - not just his/her earning power.

Funnily enough the onus seems to be on her to adapt and to accept him in the name of love, yet no one seriously seems to be suggesting that if he loves her then he should adapt to suit her.

You are separating those things out as if they can’t be intrinsically linked. Love can die very quickly when you feel your partner has lied to and misled you, or if your values and vision for the future no longer align. It easily dies when disappointment and resentments flourish.

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 12:57

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 12:51

Funnily enough the onus seems to be on her to adapt and to accept him in the name of love, yet no one seriously seems to be suggesting that if he loves her then he should adapt to suit her.

You are separating those things out as if they can’t be intrinsically linked. Love can die very quickly when you feel your partner has lied to and misled you, or if your values and vision for the future no longer align. It easily dies when disappointment and resentments flourish.

There's a vast difference between accepting that buying a massive house and foreign holidays is out of reach and accepting that someone doesn't want to work a high stress job to earn the big bucks to get those things. Health and contentment should be put before material things.

We do not know that this was a shared goal that was committed to by DH we only have OPs POV, it could be crossed wires, misinterpreting what the other was saying etc. When OPs wants are a high flying lifestyle and DH wants to live comfortably without added stress, yes I do think that trumps the material shit

Crikeyalmighty · 25/06/2023 13:00

@whumpthereitis I don't actually disagree- but compromise is a two way thing- if she can't live with a lesser plan (and totally her right) then if he loves her enough then he either steps up to the plate or they should separate.

At the end of the day it depends how much underlying love there still is in the pot and talking it through and making appropriate choices- even if that means moving on. Personally I think OP is probably setting herself up for a bit of a disappointment in life if she stays with it - as he sounds like a perpetual student.

Doesn't mean she doesn't care, just means they no longer actually value the same things. I'm not on one side or the other. Sometimes things don't work out.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:00

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 11:38

Not having foreign travel and a big house doesn't cause health issues

Carrying the financial load of a family can though.

It all seems to be about her husband's happiness, her husband's health etc with very little regard to OP's feelings and health.

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:01

I don't see any carrying of financial burdens either, it isn't like they're hard up and DH is laying around doing fuck all. OP hasn't mentioned anything about struggling or that DH is spending a fortune on "hobbies" etc which would back up the claims that he's enjoying his lifestyle on her money. He isn't doing that. Nobody is demanding OP stays in a high earning job, she's miffed he won't get one. It just seems like "I WANT ALL THIS STUFF AND DH ISN'T HELPING ME GET IT!"

The vote has gone against OP and she hasn't returned to back anything up so by all accounts I am not alone with this view

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:11

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:01

I don't see any carrying of financial burdens either, it isn't like they're hard up and DH is laying around doing fuck all. OP hasn't mentioned anything about struggling or that DH is spending a fortune on "hobbies" etc which would back up the claims that he's enjoying his lifestyle on her money. He isn't doing that. Nobody is demanding OP stays in a high earning job, she's miffed he won't get one. It just seems like "I WANT ALL THIS STUFF AND DH ISN'T HELPING ME GET IT!"

The vote has gone against OP and she hasn't returned to back anything up so by all accounts I am not alone with this view

Earning the majority of the money is carrying the financial burden. They are comfortable because of her salary and they aren't hard up also because of her salary.

Like you said, OP didn't come back so we don't know for sure but you can't say her DH is or isn't doing anything either. I'd just be surprised if he wasn't benefiting from OP's money.

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 13:17

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:01

I don't see any carrying of financial burdens either, it isn't like they're hard up and DH is laying around doing fuck all. OP hasn't mentioned anything about struggling or that DH is spending a fortune on "hobbies" etc which would back up the claims that he's enjoying his lifestyle on her money. He isn't doing that. Nobody is demanding OP stays in a high earning job, she's miffed he won't get one. It just seems like "I WANT ALL THIS STUFF AND DH ISN'T HELPING ME GET IT!"

The vote has gone against OP and she hasn't returned to back anything up so by all accounts I am not alone with this view

and once again you’re bleating on about materialism. We get it, you don’t approve of OP’s lifestyle. You don’t need to. No one cares whether you like it or not.

he is certainly benefiting from her bringing in the majority wage. He led her to believe he would be striving to match her, and he’s not done that. Once again, yes he’s entitled to change his mind. If he lied to her, he’s an arsehole, but if he changed his mind, which isn’t unreasonable for him to do, it’s still not unreasonable for her to decide that doesn’t work for her and it isn’t what she wants from a partner/out of life.

Who cares what way the vote has gone? OP is a higher earner, that was to he expected.

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:20

I get the impression that if DH was spending vast amounts of money on himself and hobbies it would have been mentioned in the OP as that would be another thing stopping OP from achieving "their shared goal"

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:23

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:20

I get the impression that if DH was spending vast amounts of money on himself and hobbies it would have been mentioned in the OP as that would be another thing stopping OP from achieving "their shared goal"

You only see what you want to see in the OP anyway so I'm sure even if it was there, you'd have your excuse ready for the DH.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:25

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 13:17

and once again you’re bleating on about materialism. We get it, you don’t approve of OP’s lifestyle. You don’t need to. No one cares whether you like it or not.

he is certainly benefiting from her bringing in the majority wage. He led her to believe he would be striving to match her, and he’s not done that. Once again, yes he’s entitled to change his mind. If he lied to her, he’s an arsehole, but if he changed his mind, which isn’t unreasonable for him to do, it’s still not unreasonable for her to decide that doesn’t work for her and it isn’t what she wants from a partner/out of life.

Who cares what way the vote has gone? OP is a higher earner, that was to he expected.

This too. Of course the votes haven't gone OP's way, she's a high earner and a woman. No one likes that.

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:32

I have no issue with people wanting material things, everyone wants nice things and a nice lifestyle. I do think it's wrong criticise a partner who has found something that works for them when for most it would be more than substantial purely as years ago they said they wanted to be doing x and earning y as if it was some kind of promise they'd broken when they hadn't. It looks like OP saw £ signs and took this as the reason to get married, which is grim

karmakameleon · 25/06/2023 13:33

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:20

I get the impression that if DH was spending vast amounts of money on himself and hobbies it would have been mentioned in the OP as that would be another thing stopping OP from achieving "their shared goal"

His hobby seems to be studying for master’s degrees. That ain’t cheap.

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 13:35

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:20

I get the impression that if DH was spending vast amounts of money on himself and hobbies it would have been mentioned in the OP as that would be another thing stopping OP from achieving "their shared goal"

Who said anything about hobbies, barring you? That’s another one of the strawmen you’ve constructed.

We get it, OP should be happy to settle for less, no matter what her partner may have said. She’s not allowed to have an issue over her husband either lying to her or changing his mind on a fundamental life plan. She’s a higher earner so therefore she’s the in the wrong, and how dare she want more than what you’re happy to settle for? And yes, we know, as is always the case when a poster is clearly butthurt over someone having more than what they have, you genuinely wouldn’t want that lifestyle and could have it if you did.

karmakameleon · 25/06/2023 13:38

DH and I trained as accountants with the big 4. Every single person I trained with lives in a million plus pound house and sends their children to private school. Personally I’m not at all career driven and I certainly won’t be dying of a heart attack because of work related stress and I’m on a comfortable six figure salary. If OP’s DH trained in a similar profession it’s really not unreasonable to assume that he’d be earning £100k+ one day. I think many people don’t realise that professions exist where £40k is what you earn as a starting salary.

billy1966 · 25/06/2023 13:40

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 13:35

Who said anything about hobbies, barring you? That’s another one of the strawmen you’ve constructed.

We get it, OP should be happy to settle for less, no matter what her partner may have said. She’s not allowed to have an issue over her husband either lying to her or changing his mind on a fundamental life plan. She’s a higher earner so therefore she’s the in the wrong, and how dare she want more than what you’re happy to settle for? And yes, we know, as is always the case when a poster is clearly butthurt over someone having more than what they have, you genuinely wouldn’t want that lifestyle and could have it if you did.

Agreed.

She should be just thrilled that he wanted to marry her🙄.

I bet he did.

I wonder would he have been so keen if she mirrored him and said you are right, lets BOTH massively dial OUR careers back to a fraction of what we can earn.

OP should look at a 2 day week to balance things up.🙄

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:41

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:32

I have no issue with people wanting material things, everyone wants nice things and a nice lifestyle. I do think it's wrong criticise a partner who has found something that works for them when for most it would be more than substantial purely as years ago they said they wanted to be doing x and earning y as if it was some kind of promise they'd broken when they hadn't. It looks like OP saw £ signs and took this as the reason to get married, which is grim

But the DH didn't see £ signs and stop progressing because of OP's salary?

Who says he only mentioned it once years ago? OP never came back as you pointed out.

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:41

You don't know what kind of lifestyle I have?? You don't know what I would or wouldn't be happy to settle for. It doesn't matter what OP earns, I never said it did or that I resent women that are high earners. I do take issue with people who project their expectations onto someone else and then get the hump when they're not met

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:43

I said it didn't look like DH was spending a fortune on his hobbies or spending beyong his means meaning that he was actually benefitting from Ops higher income, there's no sign of that anywhere

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:43

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:41

You don't know what kind of lifestyle I have?? You don't know what I would or wouldn't be happy to settle for. It doesn't matter what OP earns, I never said it did or that I resent women that are high earners. I do take issue with people who project their expectations onto someone else and then get the hump when they're not met

Her DH agreed. That isn't projecting your expectations onto someone else.

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 13:46

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:41

You don't know what kind of lifestyle I have?? You don't know what I would or wouldn't be happy to settle for. It doesn't matter what OP earns, I never said it did or that I resent women that are high earners. I do take issue with people who project their expectations onto someone else and then get the hump when they're not met

Because it’s the same shite every time.

She didn’t project. He told her he was on the same page. Not sure why you’re repeatedly dancing around that, to the point where you won’t even acknowledge that if he lied to her then he would squarely be in the wrong.

As far as OP was concerned she married a man that was committed to working with her to make the money required to afford the life they both wanted. She’s kept to her end of the deal, he hasn’t. Even if he didn’t lie (and the possibility can’t in fact be dismissed), when someone in a partnership changes their mind on a fundamental issue, that doesn’t mean their spouse has be happy about it or accept it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:46

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:43

I said it didn't look like DH was spending a fortune on his hobbies or spending beyong his means meaning that he was actually benefitting from Ops higher income, there's no sign of that anywhere

He lives with her. Of course he benefits from her high salary.

We also don't know if work has funded additional masters or if she also funded some.

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:47

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:43

Her DH agreed. That isn't projecting your expectations onto someone else.

No he said he wanted to earn x by y and OP believed him. That they both want to get on the property ladder (most would like to own a house) and travel. That in no way indicates a dedication to earn a fortune to fund a jet setting lifestyle

YeahIsaidit · 25/06/2023 13:47

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:46

He lives with her. Of course he benefits from her high salary.

We also don't know if work has funded additional masters or if she also funded some.

It says in her post that work is paying for his masters

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