To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

@MykonosMaiden it's all just assumption though and we don't know what they do- his 'potential' may be based on factors that he isn't up to in reality. They do need a chat- without knowing the individuals it's hard to know if he's taking the piss or if her expectations for him are realistic

I'm not suggesting you aren't secure, I'm suggesting that your posts are motivated by envy that OP has more.

Why else are you so offended and superior at what's going on here, if what she has means nothing to you? Why do you keep telling OP "OK, but I will think badly of you" as if that's in any way relevant?

Why are you unable to separate the high incomes from the actual issue, which is a major shift in shared life vision that benefits him but disadvantages and restricts OP in a way that she was clear she didn't want?

Doesn't sound like a sorry situation to me. Very little financial strain to carry but all of the benefits.

OP says they talked about it. Why would he be oblivious? You are falling over yourself to make excuses for him.

It comes down to us all viewing what marriage is differently.

No, it comes down to people not all wanting the same life or the same life partner. Some people don't want the life you chose and that really is OK.

I'm very sure that if your husband moved the goalposts on something you had agreed before marrying, you'd not be pleased. He might not be wrong to change his mind, but that wouldn't oblige you to go along with it for the rest of your life...even if someone else out there would be very happy with what he chose.

It comes down to us all viewing what marriage is differently.

It does indeed. Those of us who see it as a lifelong commitment seem to be a dying breed.

You’ve acknowledged that you too have dealbreakers, regardless of ‘for better or worse’, so I’m not sure you’re amongst that number.

That said, good. Marriage isn’t required to be martyrdom, and isn’t something anyone should be compelled to stick with no matter how miserable it may make them.

I’m definitely among that number. My single deal breaker is so unlikely I don’t give it a moment’s thought and based on breaking a marriage vow. You really are invested in this thread, aren’t you?

I'm getting bothered by the "he's enjoying living off her wage" posts. Every single time a finance related thing comes up there are numerous "it's all goes into the family pot, it's all ours we have equal spends even though DH earns more" and it's supported and agreed on. Reverse situation and the guy is getting blasted. It's like women are encouraged to benefit from a man's wages but the other way round gets bashed

Hey, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker🤷🏻‍♀️

and yes, i’m interested in this thread, hence why i’m present on it.

Nope, I feel the same regardless of the sexes involved. It’s one thing if such a set up works for both parties involved, but it’s unreasonable to expect your spouse to put up and shut up if they’re not happy with it.

I think it's unreasonable to hold a partner to a certain set of expectations when it's clear that they're happy and better off with what they're doing. A happy partner is better than a high flying lifestyle and being burnt out

Which conveniently ignores OPs happiness. You seem to think she’s responsible for his, yet where’s his responsibility for hers? Why is she the one that has to adapt in order to suit him?

It’s not unreasonable to expect your partner to do what they led you to believe they would do, that they said wanted to do. Sure, he can change his mind, but it isn’t unreasonable for her not to be okay with that.

Usually because the woman in those posts do the majority of housework and childcare.
Which was discussed and agreed.
Women wanting men to pay for dates, or refuse to pay rent when moving in with a partner are roundly criticised.

it is not clear whether all four masters were obtained while working or just last one. I’d bet it is the last one, otherwise he’d have to be in his 30ies to have three part time masters.
Next, yes It will be a red flag for a higher paying job. Because studying is not the same as working. Even if you study part time and work, the energy is clearly invested elsewhere. Having masters to advance career is very overrated, work experience in fast paced job with growing responsibilities will trump it. Clearly he is not in fast paced environment and is not stretching himself, it will be pretty obvious to those employers who pay a lot (because they demand a lot)

Maybe those posters are different? It isn't my point of view so that 'gotcha' doesn't work on me.

DH and I have separate finances. We have a joint account for the mortgage, nursery fees, groceries etc but what's left over from my salary is absolutely mine.

I feel the same no matter who is, man or woman. Especially if the sole or main earner is unhappy.

okay, so let’s give you a different example.
say, you and your fiancee talked about having children before getting married and both agreed that you wanted to have children.
this was something clearly important to you.
then, your now husband keeps saying “not now” and eventually decides that he actually doesn’t want children.
would you really give up your chance to have children just to keep the vows?

I don’t think that’s true. I think some posters do the family pot thing.

A lot of a posters do not. Which is shown by the ‘I am a sahm and dh gives me a fiver a week’ threads that pop up several times a week.

I also think the situation is different if both people have chosen for one person to be a sahp. I do believe that should be a family pot with equal access. But again, only if both are happy and want one to be sahp. I think it would really odd to say ‘yes I would also like you to be a sahp but have only have access to the money I allow’

Personally, I won’t get married and share finances with anyone again. Though me and exh never did the ‘one pot’ I don’t want to be financially linked to anyone again.

So you won’t see me advocating for ‘everything goes on one pot’

and as I said before, I out earn dp by quite a lot. I knew that when I met him and we got together. That was my choice. If we were earning the same and he decided to reduce his earnings and tries to make me obliged to carry most of the financial burden I would absolutely see it as him Attempting to live off me. The main issue is making decisions and plans that really impact the other person, not telling them and expecting them to pick up the slack.

If you have a teen you’re likely a bit older than OP and established yourself with a house, education earlier. So not comparable

He's not a SAHD and even if he were, that also needs to be a joint decision.

They had a shared vision. It doesn't actually matter what it is. OP entered the marriage on the understanding that he'd at least try to fulfil his part of it and he isn't.

If he had progressed as expected and then suddenly become unable to work through illness or disability, I suspect OP would feel differently even if the changed life was a hard adjustment. The issue is that they're no longer on the same page in terms of the life they build together.

In the instance of a STHP it's disingenuous to say it all goes into the one pot when there is only one, the working parents earnings. That isn't what's happening here, both partners are contributing one just seems to be happier in a more easy going, lesser earning job. Aspirations change, it's unfortunate that means OP won't get the high flying lifestyle she wants from that but other than OP saying "that's what WE wanted" there's no indication he actually did. As I said in a previous post it could be the case that OP spouted off all these ideas and DH just half heartedly agreed that that did indeed sound nice without actually committing to achieving it.

One income doesn’t necessarily equal one pot. It's entirely possible to siphon it off into more than one account and some couples do it that way. It's more a question of who has access than who fills it up.

As I said in a previous post it could be the case that OP spouted off all these ideas and DH just half heartedly agreed that that did indeed sound nice without actually committing to achieving it.

Well then he's an idiot or even a liar, because OP was clear about what she wanted (and why do you consider an honest conversation to be "spouting off"?) and he didn't have the decency or guts to be honest and open about the fact that he wasn't on board with it. Why would you think that would make OP look bad?

The high income is really affecting how people feel about this, isn't it? No wonder OP didn't want to give the numbers.

Everyone should have access to the money that they earned. That's not complicated. It isn't lying to say "that sounds nice" when someone's talking about how they want to travel the world and have a nice big house etc, it also isn't committing to achieving it or agreeing that's a shared goal, it's simply saying that it sounds nice. We don't know if they sat down and said in X amount of years we want to be here and have and do this, it's just being assumed due to the OP. For all we know she wants all that's mentioned and he doesn't and never said he did.

Regardless, as said this man is being bashed saying he's happily benefitting from ops wage. He is earning his own money and contributing, he's studying alongside that so it isn't stopping him from working so who gives a toss if its his 4th masters, it's effecting nothing and he's happy. I'm not saying that OP should sacrifice her happiness but at the same time why should he sacrifice his for her aspirations, he's not telling her that she has to work this high pressure high earnings job, SHE is annoyed that he isn't doing the same. I hope if I ever get married it's for love and not earning potential and nice houses

You want what you may not get, fertility and health are valuable, despite high paying jobs.
Don’t assume things will go plan

Everyone should have access to the money that they earned.

I don't think anyone is saying otherwise?

It isn't lying to say "that sounds nice" when someone's talking about how they want to travel the world and have a nice big house etc, it also isn't committing to achieving it or agreeing that's a shared goal, it's simply saying that it sounds nice.

Well it's actually something that someone who wasn't there made up in order to portray OP as the villain, but even if it's what happened...what an imbecile. Of course you need to speak up if your life partner is telling you what they want and you aren't prepared to go along with it. Being mealy mouthed and wishy washy in response doesn't make you the good guy.

I'm not saying that OP should sacrifice her happiness but at the same time why should he sacrifice his for her aspirations, he's not telling her that she has to work this high pressure high earnings job, SHE is annoyed that he isn't doing the same.

Yes, because they had a shared vision and he has now gone against it. But if he really doesn't need her income to be happy, he'll be just as fulfilled and satisfied as he is now if they split up, on his £40k.

I hope if I ever get married it's for love and not earning potential and nice houses

I hope if you ever get married, you and your husband have a truly shared vision regarding money, because it's the number one thing that couples argue about and anyone who thinks you can build a life together without agreeing about it is living in cloud cuckoo land. It's facile to reduce it down to mere materialism and to imagine it's not important.

Given that OP is married to him, it’s generally pretty safe to assume they talked about it beyond half hearted ‘yes, that looks nice’ when OP spoke of holiday and house plans, especially as he was engaged enough to talk of his plans for career progression.

it’s unfortunate that OP won’t get those things with him, but that thankfully doesn’t mean she won’t get them, either by herself or with someone else that DOES share her ideals.

If it’s unreasonable for her to expect him to do anything that makes him unhappy, then it’s unreasonable for him to expect that of her. He doesn’t have to sacrifice anything if he doesn’t want to though, as he can take his 4 masters and his £40k and live as he is able to. Maybe he’ll be happy, and maybe he won’t.