To lie my way out of the nightmare that is wedding season

[Supergluedisaster]

I despise weddings. Always have always will. I’m not a social person and I can’t eat in the company of strangers. I hate making small talk and I’m a diehard eco warrior so the compulsory purchasing of outfits and travel and all the crappy ( mostly thrown away) food really grates on me.
they’re always in the summer too, a waste of a day that could have been spent on the beach or in the forest or something with the kids and not boring them to death dressed like miniature accountants for the day.
DH and I could have afforded to do what we wanted for our wedding and we simply signed at the RO and went to the pub, 6 of us took about 3.5 hrs including eating and drinking at pub .Family were delighted we weren’t forcing them to participate in anything else.
anyway, we get about 4 invites a year. I decline nearly all of them ( cousins, friends etc) luckily siblings won’t do weddings either as they share my views so never expected to be important guests anyway. Every single time I say… sorry we’re on holiday. The extended family must think we’re away all summer ! What worries me is that when the kids are old enough to use social media or talk to the family independently they’re going to drop me in it. Also feels a bit awkward trying to avoid them long enough for them to not ask the kids how their holiday was … is there a more ethical and grown up way to avoid these things without offending people? Has anyone ever had the balls to just say ‘sorry not for us we hate weddings! But good luck hope it goes really well?’

Seriously though, how do you align producing four human beings with your self-proclaimed ‘die-hard eco warrior’ status, OP?

TBH I voted YABU .Weddings are often not much enjoyed ,however they are part and parcel of our Society.I would be very surprised if none of your RL had not twigged that you were avoiding them rather than "Going on holiday"! Maybe not all of them, but a special Cousin or friend would be hurt by your absence. As for your DC ,how will they grow up if they are "feral"? may be endearing when younger ,but surely the school prom may require some "Dressing up as Accountants" and small talk!

And the aga, caravan and farm vehicles they also seem to use as everyday vehicles. Hardly a simple and minimal life doh! 🙈

I am still laughing 😂😂

I agree. One of the perks of being closer to 50 than 40. Soem might do a second wedding at this stage but they are usually not very wedding-y.

I feel you though OP, I hate weddings too, including my own.

I've managed to avoid going to one for the last five years but it seems like every man and his dog are getting hitched in the next year, unfortunately all mine are fairly local too. The holiday excuse doesn't wash because we can't go abroad (due to my health) and the 'save the dates' were sent out at least 14 months in advance. I'm sure traditionally invites went out six weeks before.
I might be a lot older than you (51) so it's a mass of nieces and nephews (4!) getting married plus my own son so very difficult to say no. DS is having a private ceremony a few days before the big event. I wish it was only the one with both sets of parents we had to attend.

Good thing you don't go if that's the attitude you'd bring

Happily, this is not a problem I've ever had to deal with. Apart from my own DCs' weddings, I've been invited to just 4 weddings (plus 2 where I was only invited to the evening do) in the past 40 years!

If your boys really do spend that much time playing outdoors on a farm, OP, then they really should be wearing shoes. Hope tetanus shots aren't too bourgeois and wasteful for your quiet, simple, eco-warrior, four-kids-huge-vehicles-Aga-running lifestyle.

YABU. You sound very judgemental and nasty. Just RSVP no, you don’t need a reason. Your points around eco stuff are ridiculous. Rewear / buy second hand, take public transport, and there was definitely no food waste at my wedding. It’s irrelevant what you did for your wedding

Oh my god, this is hilarious. Having a child is the worst thing you can do environmentally

Well aren't you a joy.

Valid question. Frankly they’re accidents! I wanted two but got a couple of bonus ones. But, like many of the people in this village our lifestyles are pretty low impact though, we all hand round bikes and toys as the kids grow and share, mend and reuse stuff. I don’t think anyones bought a new car here for about 10 years. We share food around , we dont waste anything. You can order local meat and fish via the village pub and then go and collect it , which works out much better than 10 cars from 10 households driving 8.5 miles to Tesco or whatever. We all chipped in to open our own village school so that the littles don’t need to travel each day. Our big kids all car share to get to their school so that’s pretty green too. The roads are quiet, there’s very little packaging waste, everyone wears old things, no one really upgrades their tech. Stuff like that. It’s not what I grew up with as a culture but it’s what I married into and I’m very much converted so somewhat evangelical sometimes perhaps?

I think we would probably get on very well @Supergluedisaster and I think you sound lovely, and forthright.

I dread weddings too and grew up in a family where making the effort was paramount (up there with what will the neighbours think) and I’m trying to shake off those shackles for the next generation.

Ds is autistic and finds these sorts of events a nightmare and in standing up for him, and his needs, I’ve woken up to my own. I think you’re right to opt out when you find them so stressful.

These days I just reply, straight away, to most invitations that we won’t be able to attend, but we wish them a wonderful day. Job done.

I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time on this thread.

Crusty is a shitty term for travellers/off grid people. I was called it repeatedly as a child because we lived in a bus. Also in a very rural location, also mostly barefoot and grubby and also with three siblings. We had an amazing childhood! I don't understand the angst towards a lot of what you're saying.

I know I should be used to it by now, but it never ceases to amaze me how horrible women can be to each other!! What has the OP actually done to warrant all these nasty comments?

OP, I actually quite enjoy a wedding from time to time, but in your circumstances rather than making excuses, I would simply put out a message to the whole family, and all your friends, saying something along the lines of:

For all of you who are getting married in the near future, or make plans to do so in years to come, I really hope you won't take offence, but I've decided to be upfront, and ask you to please save yourselves an invitation, by not sending one to me and my family.

No! I've not lost the plot, but I really don't enjoy anything about weddings, and find the whole thing really stressful, from the dressing up, to eating fancy food, (which all too often costs you a bomb, and ends up getting wasted), having to shop for gifts, arranging transport, find suitable outfits for the kids, and then keeping an eye on them the whole time, so that they don't spoil their clothes, or annoy people. So I figured that if I let everyone know upfront, it will save time and hassle for all of us.

Oh, and just to be clear, I have absolutely nothing against marriage, and wish all of you that decide to go for it, every happiness.

Hopefully by doing this, you might have to answer a few questions initially, but once the word's out there, you shouldn't have to deal with it anymore.

You just don’t like weddings do you? Nothing to do with your eco credentials. Stop kidding yourself.
However, if you were able to get over your principles you might feel differently if you took your kids along and they had fun with their relatives. Loads of weddings nowadays are very kid friendly

Serious question: did you grow up super-wealthy?

Also OP I agree with you. I've only been to very casual weddings where it's more of a festival or pagan theme. I can't imagine anything worse than having to get dressed up for a formal dinner and making polite conversation with random relatives of the bride or groom!

😂

You don't sound judgemental

Have you forgot the bit where OP said I can’t remember if it’s her 3rd or 4th rodeo this year. She could have bought herself a house outright with the money instead. Yes I judge her, not sorry.

but it never ceases to amaze me how horrible women can be to each other

Exactly, Poor OP's cousin. OP is quite horrible about her cousin. Imagine talking about a woman in your family that way!

People get very offended when you admit you don't like weddings, even if they aren't having one!
OP don't lie, just say you can't go. If you get asked why just say it's personal and nobody's business!

I know I should be used to it by now, but it never ceases to amaze me how horrible women can be to each other!!

My God, don't go into the darker recesses of Reddit or many male-focused sites. If you are constantly amazed by this, you'll lose your mind over there.

I don't worry about it! I don't attend weddings, it's nothing personal against the bride and groom, I just don't personally agree with marriage and therefore I'd be a hypocrite to attend and pretend to be excited for them.

I still get a couple of invites every year but immediately RSVP so they can pass the space on to someone who does want to go.

Thanks. I fully expected a few people to be mean. They have ignored my main concerns anout my health and the logistical nightmares associated with wedding attending and focused on my one comment about them being wasteful
and extravagant. I’ve been called a crusty for not wanting to buy single use clothes for my kids. You sound lovely too! I’m happy your DS has you as a mum. There’s nothing wrong with avoiding things that are stressful and if people love you they wouldn’t want you to do something like this out of duty to them. I know all this deep down but I’m a panicker and I don’t want to upset anyone so I got in the habit of fibbing to save their feelings. I suppose in the real world I could say the boys are too much of a handful en mass atm to do this type of stuff with them but then it sounds like DH and I are struggling to cope and they’d worry about us. I’m probably overthinking the whole thing.