To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

I think you have to do what suits you and your family, but only if YOU are happy with that choice. My DH had way higher earning potential than me, so I worked P/T to fit around the family but I had no ambitious career plans anyway.

For me yes this was the best solution, it was for my mum too. We both kept working as our jobs are more stable and flexible.

I don't know how I'd manage with 3 young DC with sickness, holidays, events like parties and clubs, household running and both of us working full time. I don't know how I'd be able to progress in my career and pursue opportunities. I know people do! But I'm not in a high earning job and am just at the beginning of my career now DC are all born and no longer babies.

everyone’s situation is different and what works for you works for you. I couldn’t bring myself to stop working, I trust my husband but who knows what could happen and couldn’t fathom not having my own income. I also hate housework. A lot of SAHM miss out on full pension benefits too. It’s appealing but wasn’t enough for me.

It's not anti-feminist to do what's best for your kids and family. That's what the vast majority of people do (and ought to do).

But positioning being a SAHM as a "feminist choice" is disingenuous. It may be many things: practical, sensible, helpful, life-enhancing etc. But anything which has the effect of making it harder for women in general to be financially independent is not a feminist choice.

I was in a similar position. We had kids and I outearned my partner by approx 60k a year. He reduced to part time and then focused on increasing his skill set to earn more money and become self employed. He still earns significantly less than me (if you calculate our hourly rate) but he is paying into a pension and he has a career. His hours have increased over time.

I have made sure I pick up 2 days a week (he does the rest) to ensure he can work late etc. Yes this is a pain but I need to set an example at work too to junior staff who have kids.

The danger with being out of the work force is if you split up or he becomes sick or if he died. If any of these happen your world will be turned upside down financially as you will likely only get minimum wage. This is a large risk and is why Dh and I felt it was important for him to increase his skills. For a year or two increasing his skill was our priority. I felt it was crucial to ensure I didn’t just make childcare my dh issue each day. Also tax wise it’s crazy for me to earn more when he wasn’t utilising his full allowances.

Yup. We can have countless 30 page threads where countless posters decide that giving up work is the best choice for them and their family. It may well be. But feminism it ain't!

Why don't men (in equal numbers to women) give up work and becoming financially dependent on another adult? Why do men have the higher paying career most of the time? Why is it the easier option for a woman to step away, even temporarily, from earning money?

It's not feminism because it's not equitable, and generally men come out better than women when these choices are made. This isn't to say it's the wrong choice for you OP. But I agree that 'deciding' to lose financial independence is not feminism. Possibly it's not even a real decision we make, and might even be something that is often decided for us.

Yes, I did come to a point for me when my oldest was born, I gave up work. 13 years and two more children later I started back going to work. During those 13 years I did voluntary work, went to night school, retrained and had the best time of my life with the kids. When I eventually did go back to work it was in a completely different career and I absolutely love it. My NI contributions are all covered for the 13 years at home, so I will get full state pension and since I’ve started back in work I contribute quite a bit into a private pension, I’ll probably be able to retire quite soon. I have a fantastic relationship with all my children and their partners, we’re all very close. My oldest has just started his family and even though him and his wife have good careers they’re both only going to work part time because they want their children to have a similar upbringing that my children had.
I understand it’s not for everyone and sacrifices have to be made, but looking back it was absolutely fabulous.

I've done both and it is so much easier not to have to worry about child care. Summer holidays are so long and holiday clubs near me are non existent so I don't know how we would manage! When they were little I would go to work as soon as my husband got home, then wfh during the pandemic and that was a nightmare. It's just so much easier not to have to worry if they're ill etc. but obviously worry about money instead

I wouldn't. You lose your identity on top of your financial independence.

I agree it makes sense practically, in the moment. But in the long term it leaves you very vulnerable.

Lone parent here, absolutely no input from DS's dad and very little family support, I work and always have.

So no, there is never a point where you "have" to give up work. If you really want to work, you can always make it so.

If giving up work makes life easier for you, go for it, it's your choice. But it can be done.

And the only reason I was the one who stopped working was through choice. I wanted to.

I’m all for women having tons of choices and I genuinely don’t care about the SAHM vs working mom debate on a personal level but I find this type of comment so aggravating. Are you saying you wouldn’t be close to your kids if you’d worked during those 13 years? It’s great it was fabulous. I’m genuinely happy for you. But it sounds deep down like you really think mums who work cannot be good mums.

I wouldn't. You lose your identity on top of your financial independence.

Sorry but this is not true as a blanket statement. My identity is far more than my job title. I never felt I wasn't me any more - well, I did a bit when I had kids compared to before, but that was when I was working, so nothing to do with being a SAHP.

and only mums of course.

Dads who work full time are never told they can't be good dads.

I'm sorry I know it probably wasn't intended this way but this sounds horribly smug and judgemental.

The clear (if unspoken) implication of this is that your children turned out well because you didn't work. You might want to think about how that lands with some of us who don't have this choice.

THIS.

I wouldn’t be a SAHP.
You need to make sure you can survive and thrive independently without your DH.

Totally agree. Being close with your children has nothing to do with working. I only have one but we are incredibly close and I have worked her entire childhood. If you want to be a SAHM, be one. But don’t you dare tell me I am doing my kid a disservice by working. No one says this about dads.

Honestly I would. In a similar position but I work part time 2 days a week. I like the balance and worked really hard to get my career so didn't want to give it up and fortunate to have a great employer who is really flexible. I would give up my job though it got the option.

I know some say the bulk of things shouldn't fall to you regarding childcare but I love to care for the children and I'm grateful my DH takes the bulk of the financial responsibility for our family. We're a great team and both happy with our respective contributions to our family.

I think quantity of time is not always quality of time. There are plenty of people who are SAHP who probably shouldn't be, just as there are working parents who do a fantastic job of parenting because they use that time well. There are good parents and bad parents, and whether you are at home all day or aren't has very little to do with where you fall on that scale.

Well, no, you don't have to. Millions of parents don't. Millions of mums don't. I don't.

Oh here we bloody go. Same old thread.

I have a fabulous relationship with my kids. We are very close. I also work and am financially independent. The two are not mutually exclusive.

IMO, if you want to work with young children, you have to suck it up and dig deep. Both of you - not just the mother.

Personally I would have loved to have given up work but we couldn't quite afford for me to and in the back of my mind I was worried about worst case scenarios (death of spouse, divorce, serious illness etc etc where 2 earners gives a bit of financial protection). What we did agree to do was - I switched out a stressful FT job for a lower paying part time one (same industry), and had a nanny. Nanny ate up nearly all of my wages at the time but she was worth it - the local wonderful Grandma we didn't have (her own child was in her 20s by this point). She moved on to another family once my youngest went to school and then I switched back into career mode (but still part time). It has worked out really well for me and I really enjoy the balance. The stable primary school years allowed me to really progress (use of school wrap around on my working days and sharing pick ups with husband). Kids are now teenagers and need our time more than ever. Somehow we've just about managed to keep all the balls in the air. My advice would be don't worry about what hasn't happened yet e.g pension (because you might never get there, to be blunt) but deal with the situation immediately in front of you.

No of course not.

But for some people in some circumstances it can be really difficult to work. I am one of them. That’s all, really. There’s no judgement of anybody else.