Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

659 replies

Bluewatersummer · 21/06/2023 11:06

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

OP posts:
Nikkidannih · 26/06/2023 13:03

Yeah sure if you want to progress in your current role and your job works in a way in which pay increases with time and your career is important to you.
For me personally I wanted to continue my work because I love it even though it’s not financially beneficial at all with childcare.
An alternative perspective would be that children are only little once and you can always get back into the workplace when you are ready.
Its a deeply personal decision and I respect both points of view.

Dixiechickonhols · 26/06/2023 13:09

It also very much depends on what you do for a living. Op mentions no flexibility and once you are in work you can’t leave. If you are a nurse etc and can’t just nip out when school call it’s a very different kettle of fish to working in a relaxed office where you can just say I’ll log on at home or work Thurs instead when dh is back.
No flexibility at work and knowing you are it as dh is abroad if nursery call is very stressful.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/06/2023 13:10

Nikkidannih · 26/06/2023 13:03

Yeah sure if you want to progress in your current role and your job works in a way in which pay increases with time and your career is important to you.
For me personally I wanted to continue my work because I love it even though it’s not financially beneficial at all with childcare.
An alternative perspective would be that children are only little once and you can always get back into the workplace when you are ready.
Its a deeply personal decision and I respect both points of view.

The alternative perspective is only aimed at women though. That's the problem.

anouskita · 26/06/2023 15:35

It's only a problem if you perceive it as a problem SouthLondonMum22. I saw the opportunity to be with my kids as a huge as me having the advantage! Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all. It's a privilege and if you feel it's the most important thing for the baby and for you, then it is. The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/06/2023 15:48

It is actually a privilege to have a choice. For many there really is no choice, the husbands earn too much to get any benefits if partner doesn't work but not enough to manage at any kind of decent level without a second income- even if it's a part time one. (And I don't mean huge houses or multiple holidays abroad every year)

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/06/2023 15:53

anouskita · 26/06/2023 15:35

It's only a problem if you perceive it as a problem SouthLondonMum22. I saw the opportunity to be with my kids as a huge as me having the advantage! Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all. It's a privilege and if you feel it's the most important thing for the baby and for you, then it is. The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.

Sexism is a problem.

Does your husband avoid being with his children at all costs simply because he works? Or does it only apply to women?

FolkSongSweet · 26/06/2023 15:57

anouskita · 26/06/2023 15:35

It's only a problem if you perceive it as a problem SouthLondonMum22. I saw the opportunity to be with my kids as a huge as me having the advantage! Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all. It's a privilege and if you feel it's the most important thing for the baby and for you, then it is. The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.

What about your husband? Did he want this privilege too? If not, why not? And if he had, would you have split it between you or would you have insisted that he worked so that you could be off?

My ideal (which we haven’t achieved as I earn so much more than DH and part time is difficult in my career) is both parents working part time so that kids experience a truly equal set up, see both parents working so both boys and girls know they can aspire to that, both parents get time in and away from the home, reduces the stress and pressure from dependence on one person/salary etc etc.

Secnarf · 26/06/2023 16:30

Interestingly, this is a topic that I have been discussing with my husband…but for the other end of life.

I am working 0.8 WTE whilst my daughter is young.

I was old when I had her, and my parents were old when I was born too.

My father in law died when my daughter was still at nursery. His final 6 months were hellish, not just because he was suffering but because we were making 2hr trips after work to care for him, and then 2hr trips to go back to work.

We couldn’t do that again.

We have decided an age at which we agree we should retire at if financially possible. However, we’ve both come to the understanding that if one of my parents requires the same level of care that I will stop work then.

We just about managed last time to keep all the plates spinning. Colleagues were incredible supportive. However, the conditions have changed so much in my field, that I wouldn’t be able to sustain the extra work expected of us nowadays as well as looking after my daughter and my elderly parents.

A sabbatical wouldn’t do it, as I just would not be backfilled. At least if I went, they could try to appoint a substantive to replace me.

Magnoliafarm · 26/06/2023 16:54

We have found having Sunday night family meetings really helpful to reduce the stress of family life. We sit down with the calendar and look at all our work and child commitments together, and look at what big jobs or life admin needs doing that week. Then we spend half an hour doing a bit of life admin there and then sat together at the kitchen table. It really helps you feel like you are in it together :)

bussteward · 26/06/2023 16:58

The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.
What, you just had children and unilaterally quit working without mentioning it to your husband? That’s quite unusual. Not even a heads up towards the traditional end of maternity leave that he might continue to find paying the bills a bit of a squeeze.

Grumpyfroghats · 26/06/2023 17:00

bussteward · 26/06/2023 16:58

The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.
What, you just had children and unilaterally quit working without mentioning it to your husband? That’s quite unusual. Not even a heads up towards the traditional end of maternity leave that he might continue to find paying the bills a bit of a squeeze.

I think you will find these things are not important if you have married a manly man who earns millions like everyone in her circle

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/06/2023 17:11

@anouskita

Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all. It's a privilege and if you feel it's the most important thing for the baby and for you, then it is.

Several problems with this. To state the most obvious:

  1. If it’s such a privilege why aren’t men falling over each other to do it?
  2. Not wanting to be with children 24/7 doesn’t mean they are a “consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs”. I refer you to point 1. If a man comes home and plays with his kids for an hour he is lauded as a “great dad”. Yet his wife has to spend all day with them to be afforded this accolade. Why the discrepancy?
  3. A lot of us can’t just opt out because we want this “privilege”. We are the breadwinners (in my case sole breadwinner). What would you like me to do?
Thepeopleversuswork · 26/06/2023 17:13

@bussteward I think you’re missing the point. Your job was to hook a man who could afford to keep you. You fell at the first hurdle LOL

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/06/2023 17:18

The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.

Sounds like a deeply dysfunctional relationship to me. I can't imagine not at least discussing important stuff like this with my DH. It's very lucky that you both turned out to be on the same page, but how awful that you just assumed that he would be happy to be the sole breadwinner without even asking him, and how awful that he just assumed that you would be happy to give up your career and independence. Are you generally that bad at communicating with each other? I hate to think what it would be like to live in a relationship like this with so many unspoken assumptions.

bussteward · 26/06/2023 17:29

@Thepeopleversuswork The concept that DP wasn’t a millionaire never entered my head! We simply don’t discuss anything about our shared lives.

YoungerYears · 26/06/2023 17:37

anouskita · 26/06/2023 15:35

It's only a problem if you perceive it as a problem SouthLondonMum22. I saw the opportunity to be with my kids as a huge as me having the advantage! Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all. It's a privilege and if you feel it's the most important thing for the baby and for you, then it is. The concept of childcare never even entered my head with any of my kids. Not once did we even discuss it.

Yikes. So your husband just assumed you would give up work. Sexism at its finest.

tommyshelbysbunnit · 26/06/2023 17:58

I was in your position , DH was a very high earner but his hours reflected that. I gave up work for about 8 years and it really worked for our family

We discovered that we couldn't have any more children so I really wanted the time to enjoy the one I had. I was the mum that helped out at school , had the friends for play dates and wasn't stressed running about

I'm back at work now ( he's 18!) and yes that time had had an impact on my career but I don't regret it for a minute

anouskita · 26/06/2023 18:46

You can call it sexism if you like. It doesn't actually matter. If two people are doing what they want to do, why try to fix what's not broken? Other people can do what they like. No we never discussed it, because I obviously knew him and he knew me and and to us it was normal. We are hardly the only ones - far from it. People can do what they like.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/06/2023 18:56

anouskita · 26/06/2023 18:46

You can call it sexism if you like. It doesn't actually matter. If two people are doing what they want to do, why try to fix what's not broken? Other people can do what they like. No we never discussed it, because I obviously knew him and he knew me and and to us it was normal. We are hardly the only ones - far from it. People can do what they like.

How is this not sexism?

Why, on MN, is being with the children you have given birth to seen as some sort of consolation prize that must be avoided at all costs? It's not at all. It's a privilege and if you feel it's the most important thing for the baby and for you, then it is.

anouskita · 26/06/2023 19:07

Well if sexism is not wanting your children in a nursery or with a nanny, then hands up, I'm sexist. Call it what you will. People are the way they are. That's it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/06/2023 19:10

anouskita · 26/06/2023 19:07

Well if sexism is not wanting your children in a nursery or with a nanny, then hands up, I'm sexist. Call it what you will. People are the way they are. That's it.

Why didn’t your DH be the one to stay at home if he also didn’t want them in nursery?

Or does he want to avoid his children at all costs?

anouskita · 26/06/2023 19:17

SouthLondonMum22 - you seem to be having an adjacent conversation with yourself really. Why do I have to feel the same way as my husband. Why would he need to feel the same way as me? Is this the law?

No he's not 'avoiding his children at all costs.' What do you even mean? He does his work, like billions of other people and he's happy with that. I'm happy when the children are my sole focus. That's just how I am. It's not remotely unusual.

stealthbanana · 26/06/2023 19:22

It’s also completely irrelevant to this thread @anouskita given that the OP has said multiple times she doesn’t want to be a sahm and wants to work. So why do you keep going on about it?

anouskita · 26/06/2023 19:24

The whole thread is her asking about being a SAHM isn't it?

stealthbanana · 26/06/2023 19:31

She doesn’t want to be one. How is saying “I didn’t even discuss it with my husband, using childcare was not an option” in any way helpful to someone who currently has their child in nursery?

Swipe left for the next trending thread