To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

‘a man who expected his wife to put a six month old in childcare would not be seen as feminist. He'd be seen as cruel’

Why is it ‘his wife’ putting the baby in childcare? Why is it not a joint decision discussed by both parents? It’s such ingrained sexism. Kids are both parents’ responsibility. Not just the mother’s…

Does DH earn enough to pay for a Nanny?

Exactly.

It's the woman putting a baby into nursery
It's the woman's salary that pays for nursery
It's the woman who needs to go part time (or SAHM) because 'it makes sense'
It's the woman who nursery calls when the baby is ill

Sexism at it's finest.

My point was, my husband would not have had children with the expectation of separating a baby and mother (before the mother was ready). That's her decision and he has to respect that. It is different for women in the early years. I know people on here insist men and women are the same in that way. But this is just MN. In the real world, people know how it is.

I work part time (3 days, slightly shorter days) with my 5 and 2 year old, cos I'd go a bit mad if I didn't. But I'm definitely the 'default ' parent- the one the school calls when they're sick, who sorts out holiday care, who routinely goes to school plays etc. Its definitely possible to work, even full time, with both of them being younger, but it takes an endless amount of juggling to sort out holiday/after school care etc, and someone's career always seems to take the back seat for kids sick leave etc.

Some women might feel differently but don't speak for every woman because it wasn't different for me.

It is a joint decision, not just the woman's decision.

Again, sexism at it's finest.

We did decide that something had to give. Dc had SN and having us both work full-time just would have been too much. I work half-time so I can be there after school.

We make it a priority to fully contribute to my pension though and I worked enough before I had a child that I already qualified for senior government benefits in my country. My actual paychecks are quite small since I make the maximum pension contribution allowed, but I keep working because I want the security in case something happens to DH.

It hasn’t hurt my advancement at work at all. I’ve been promoted several times and have reached the highest level I could want to reach. The next point would involve giving up the actual work I do and exclusively managing people and budgets, which holds no interest whatsoever. The little bit of budget and people management I do now is more than enough for me. Not all workplaces treat part-time employees as lesser employees.

But Mumsnet is real-life people? Sure, maybe a few bots, trolls and bored school kids, but by and large it’s real-world people sharing their views. It’s not AI.

How old are you ? If you don't mind me asking. How could you be in your 60's when your child is going to University? Unless you had your first at 42 ?

I am currently on mat leave with twins (plus older 1 at school) Dreading going back as life is crazy already without me working on top. I am the main earner in the house so need to go back. If I could stay at home with them I would to make life easier for all of us- however I KNOW I will miss my colleagues, challenges and adult conversations, and we can’t afford for me to stop. So I’m going back part time- luckily I get school hols off so childcare isn’t an issue that time- but it is juggling all 3 of them at wrap around and childminders when I go back. I say if you can afford to stop completely do- then Go back part time once both children are in the same childcare setting. Or if you want to challenge, adult conversation, toilet time without knocking on the door etc you will find a way to manage- that’s why it’s left to us women- we always make it work. However I am fortunate enough to have a DH with a flexible job and my mum
round the corner. Luckily you have some time to settle into life with 2 before you need to let your employers know.

good luck xxx

@YoungerYears I put ds in a day nursery for two-day a week when he was 4 months old. It was part of the deal to go back to work in the City part-time. You know back in the day, 1995, when women got six months' maternity leave. I stopped working at 35 weeks because I was "done" - commute was 10 minute walk, tube 30 mins, 10 minute march, then a very hectic 7.30am to 6pm at work.

It was very unusual to be offered part time then in the City. There was no cruel about it. I did it for about 10 months before caving and deciding it wasn't worth it. I cleared about £1000. If DH hadn't been able to absorb that, I'd have had to carry on.

It was nothing to do with inequality or feminism. At that time, I was still earning a shade more than DH on a full time equivalent basis. I wanted to be at home with the baby. DhlH could have been but I'd have scratched his eyes out if he had wanted to.

How are college years expensive? My DC expenses same when at college as before and receive student loans to fund their uni

They receive student loans to cover their full tuition fees but not everyone receives the full maintenance loan the threshold is pretty low. We are not high earners and have to top up DDs accommodation costs by about £4k a year then there is living costs on top and with the costs of living rising that is a lot of additional expenses. She also works to fund her social life, clothes and travel. I am extremely grateful that I pushed through the early years part time maintaining my career and can now work full time to help with rising costs.

Have a play with this calculator, if your household income is more than £40,000 or so you are expected to top up the government loan.

https://www.gov.uk/browse/education/student-finance

I have 4dc, 13, 11, 8 and 21 months. I chose to stay working albeit part time (don’t work Mondays).

i knew my salary wasn’t worth much, and some months was only as much as childcare, but I didn’t want to become ‘just’ a mum.

now my 3 eldest are all in school, 2 in secondary and walk themselves to and from school. My 8 year old attends breakfast club at school and I drop off there at 7.40am, then drop my toddler to the childminder for 7.45am, and onto work for 8am. I work in a school so finish at 3.30pm. My eldest walk to collect the 8 year old from school for me and then home and I collect toddler at 3.45.

It works now, but is still an element of rushing around and my salary isn’t much more than the monthly childcare bill. When dc4 is unwell I’m the one to take time off as I earn less, and dp works much further away etc. but it just works for us.

in a few years time when dc4 is at school I’ll be able to continue working, take a small promotion that is likely on the cards, and hopefully still have my sanity from not having been a sahm!

I always knew that my job wasn’t worth much while I had children in childcare, but continued with it knowing that once they’re all in school I’d have myself a nice little job that works around school hours, school
holidays etc.

it’s just about finding what works for you and what sacrifices you’re happy to make. For me giving up my job, wasn’t worth it, even if it meant for a good few years I’ve not actually earnt much money from it. For me it was about keeping that part of me, and looking at the end game (all dc being in school).

I am 42, 43 in September. Due next month, so a few weeks shy of my 43rd birthday.

Wow ok, some of this makes a bit more sense then, especially about your husband's job. But surely you had many years ( 2o ish) of FT pension contributions before having your DCs.

This will probably sound aggressive; it isn’t intended to but I don’t think at any point at all I’ve said or suggested otherwise.

I think you said you only had a small pension. If you have 20 years ft contributions " in the bag" I wouldn't worry overly much about not contributing for a bit. If you were 10 years younger it might be different risk benefit analysis.

No. I said:

i am part time, but if I have to stay part time it does inevitably mean I’ll stay where I am career wise - which I don’t actually mind - and don’t earn much, don’t have much pension etc

Meaning I won’t hugely increase my pension if I stay part time. In any case - sorry - I’m not enormously bothered by my pension.

Me and my partner used to earn similar but now his wage is about a third more than mine WTE. We decided to both go part time when our 18mo was born. We both work 3 days a week. We moved to a more affordable area so our mortgage and bills could be covered by either of our incomes alone if anything happened to the other one. I do 1 long day and 2 normal days 8-4. My partner does 3 long days. This means he is earning about double what I am now. We take it in turns to do the night wake ups. I end up doing more bed times then him because he does the long days, which is a source of resentment and we are looking at how we can change this. We both have really stressful and demanding jobs so neither of us wants to work full time since becoming parents. In fact he is looking at dropping a day.
I have a lot of (middle class, professional) friends who made comments that they wish they could afford to do this set up. They can, they just need to prioritise differently. We both cycle our 11 mile commutes to work (I have an ebike), we own 1 second hand car between us that we bought outright. We do not have gym memberships. We moved out of the city to a more affordable village on the outskirts which halved our mortgage. We don't eat out often. We don't have to pay for any childcare.
But we do go on holidays, have organic milk and veg deliveries, go to hilariously bouijie toddler classes, dress our kid in ridiculously overpriced ethical organic clothing.... Basically I'm saying we aren't skint and we still have a certain lifestyle, but we adjusted on the big expenditure. Also if you work it out carefully the bigger earner can drop a pension contribution bracket and a tax bracket and their take home pay is relatively more.

I understand it is low on your priority list given you are about to be the mother of 2 very young children, but it really is very important.

Thanks but really - I’m good.

Good, well that's something you don't need to consider then. It was a massive reason why I kept working and then went full-time. But you have that sorted, so that's great.

Well, yes. I do. I’m not sure if I’m reading the above in a sarcastic tone or not - sorry if I have misread it. But pension really isn’t something I’m needing to be overly concerned with.

No sarcasm in all seriousness if you have rock solid pension arrangements that you need give no further thought to at 43 then that is absolutely brilliant and gives you a huge amount of freedom.