To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

Why not stay part time? It should mean that once your DC's are at school you'll have long term history with an employer who may be able to be flexible. And you'll keep your entitlement to unpaid parental leave which you can hopefully use in school holidays. You have to be with the same employer for a year before you're entitled to parental leave.

The toddler and nursery years can be grim if you work but it is survivable. (Lone parent here).

I totally get you OP, I felt I was burning out being a working mum of work and how would I manage with 2 or 3? That’s why being a SAHM is best for our whole family. DH has long hours and earnt 4 times my salary.

You aren’t going to get many pro SAHM replies because it’s the mumsnet party like to say women being SAHM are hurting feminism.

• working mum of one

Because while absolutely, it’s easy to understand the exhausting mess of juggling a demanding FT job and a small child, why on earth does that mean you need to become a SAHM? Why do posters like you never conclude that what would be ‘best for the whole family’ would be DH taking a step back/becoming a SAHP/going part-time, or changing jobs to something that makes your juggling easier?

The ‘we decided it was best for our family for me to be a SAHM’ often seems code for ‘I couldn’t combine my job with doing the lion’s share of parenting, housework, household admin, childcare drop-offs and pick-ups, sick days etc and obviously DH couldn’t be asked to do half of this because (a) he’s a man and (b) he earns more, not unrelatedly, so I caved and quit and we’ll both pretend it was ever going to happen any other way.’

As it says in my post, my husband earns 4 times what I was on and that was the top salary I can get with my education and chosen career path. Why on earth would we have him quit his job to be SAHP while I go out to work to earn peanuts which wouldn’t even cover our bills let along our food, mortgage etc.

I will absolutely tell you what is best for my family thank you v much. Laughable that you could even question that

I didn’t ‘cave’ he didn’t suggest me becoming SAHP, I CHOSE to

100% agree!

I would reframe it as "you choose to" take this option as it seems it would work far the better for your family, for at least a certain amount of time, rather than as "have to". These are the calls we have to make. Make sure you are involving your husband though and it's a joint decision. Just make sure that your finances are watertight and that he's putting plenty of money aside in your name into a pension and savings, so you don't lose out in the long run. You are married aren't you? If not, I wouldn't advise it. Seeing a financial advisor for some advice (just you, initially) wouldn't hurt.

and why do men often earn so much more than women?

It isn't a coincidence.

A lot of women don’t want to work/work much but they feel too guilty saying that so they make it out that they couldn’t work.

I have no issue with SAHM but for fuck’s sake just own it. There’s no shame in wanting to be a SAHM. There’s no shame in wanting/needing to work.

This financial independence/pension vs I love my kids too much to leave them (which is a fucking horrific thing to say when so many women HAVE to work, keep your smugness internally) bunfight isn’t doing anyone any favours.

What is the OP not 'owning' exactly?

I have been a SAHM for 15 years and won't go back to work due to health issues. It just isn't worth it. I have four children and probably not likely to live long enough to see a pension 🙄. It just isn't worrying about.

I organise everything at home, do all admin, enjoy having free time, cycling, reading, playing an instrument, visiting family if I can. There isn't time to fit in a job tbh.

@anouskita

Pretending she can’t afford to work when she clearly doesn’t want to. You don’t need to justify being a SAHM. Especially not to a load of strangers on the internet. Which is exactly what OP is doing.

Well some people don't want to work because they've had enough; some don't want to work because they prioritise being with their kids; some don't want to work because it's too much juggling / stress to have two parents working; some families don't need the extra money ... There are all kinds of reasons women may prefer to be a SAHM. It's individual to everyone.

@anouskita

Say she wants to be a SAHM not trying to get people on the internet to tell her that it’s ok in her circumstances.

It’s perfectly valid as a choice (if you are lucky enough to be able to have that choice) to be a SAHM.

I can't see what all the fuss is about either way. People post all sorts on here.

@Aggielera I don’t think you get what I’m trying to say. At no point in her first post (I’ve not read the whole thread) does OP say she wants to be a SAHM. She just lists the reasons that she thinks make it sensible for her to be one. I read this time and time again.

She has started the thread to get strangers to justify her choice. She doesn’t need that justification. She wants to be a SAHM. That’s fine.

@anouskita
My last post was for you. I tagged myself as I’m an idiot.

I know what I’m trying to say anyway.

This is not a new dilemma for couples. The lower earner would almost always take a back seat.
Do what works for you but I wouldn't ever stop having my own independence and money. Maybe when you are a SAHM you can learn skills that will enable you to get a better paid role so you are more even? I wish I did that .

You really think in most cases where a woman is a SAHP, the driving factor is purely the attitude of the husband and not any of the practical issues I mentioned?

You think all jobs and situations are equal within a heterosexual couple and the only differentiating factor is what the husband thinks about women working?

Nearly everyone I've ever met makes decisions about employment factoring in health, accessibility, distance, time requirements, access to transport, earnings, industry, training requirements, existing qualifications.

If your job doesn't pay enough to cover childcare then you don't necessarily have a choice. Often people do pay to work, they take the hit for the long-term gain, but not everyone can afford that.

The driving factor in most cases is sexism. Including the fact that the woman is seen as the default parent and anything relating to the child is her responsibility.

Childcare costs (usually only her salary is considered so it 'makes sense' to be a SAHM)
Flexible working (not always an option but men rarely bother even asking)
Changing jobs to facilitate more of a work/life balance
Going part time (again, not always an option but men don't bother asking)

And it’s pure coincidence that when someone ‘has to be’ a SAHP, it’s virtually always the woman, who earns less, and has, depressingly, still often been socialised to consider her career optional once she has a child and, quite ridiculously, to think her DH is doing her a favour by ‘enabling her to be at home’? Right. Nothing at all to do with patriarchy, entrenched sexism, gendered socialisation, the gender pay gap.

Wow this sounds like the dream, you really are a planner. I'm in awe!

I like you had strong maternal instinct from a child but did the opposite and had my first at 18, went to uni, worked part time, went full time when they went to secondary school, then just as I was catching up financially from all of that and my first born became an adult I had another baby and now I'm reading this thread feeling like I'm fucked and have no idea how to navigate this.

I am always irritated by the inaccurate statements about women traditionally not having worked. Working class women have always worked. I am seventy and both my grandmothers worked. One ran a corner shop and the other worked as a dressmaker . One had five children, the other had three and they ran homes. Post the Second World War there was a movement to stop women working to provide jobs for returning servicemen. Obviously, during the same period in communist countries like Russia, women were expected to work alongside men and there were state nurseries. It is fiction born of the immediate post war that women did not work outside the home.
I remember forty years ago complaining that my NCT group had few meet ups because most women had gone back to work. It is romantic tosh to describe women in bygone ages as ladies of leisure who stayed at home to iron their husbands shirts and cook his meals. Women have always worked.