To wonder if there comes a point where you just have to give up work?

[Bluewatersummer]

I’m hopefully not there yet. But while I wish I could be very feminist about this the fact is DH earns a lot more than me and he always will, his talents lie where money is.

With one child we have managed through a combination of part time, taking turns to take time off when needed, and some good luck as well - haven’t had a lot of sickness to contend with. However, I’m due my second any day now and I’m wondering about a whole host of stuff.

It’s going to be so difficult when DC1 starts school and when DC2 is in nursery, reliance on wraparound care and rushing from A to B to C. I don’t honestly know if it is just easier for everyone - not just me - if one parent gives up work and just has their ‘job’ the children and house. Which isn’t very feminist but would potentially make a big difference to stress levels! Honestly wondering what others think: I’m not making any big decisions just yet.

@Grumpyfroghats to be fair there are many jobs where a person, male or female, can't duck out to deal with childcare. For example: the Bar, surgeons, other area of the law dependent on court and tribunal deadlines, and many other senior professional roles. Probably pilots and senior military personnel. "Sorry chaps, Poppy's got chicken pox, can't defuse the under water bomb for a week".

Everyone is socially conditioned to a certain extent, you can't grow up in society and not at all be influenced by it.

Sure - that's why I said it wasn't doable in every job.

But the OP mentioned her DH works from home some days and specifically says she feels she has to prioritise his job because of the salary not that his role is intrinsically inflexible by nature. I mean the man is not WFH while piloting a plane

There's also just as many where you can yet it is largely only the mothers who duck out because fathers don't bother asking.

No woman can be a true feminist whilst they diss the choices of other women.

Taking time out doesn’t necessarily mean career doom. Every sahm I knew (myself included) is now working again and thriving. Economy needs us and sensible older women post kids with professional experience are welcomed back with open arms.

I'm all in favour of choice, but I see little choice in your argument that women are biologically programmed to live in a certain way. What kind of choice is that?

What about those trad wives? Can us true feminists diss them, or does that render our feminism null and void. Are trad wives feminist? Does feminism mean - you do you?

What about those trad wives? Can us true feminists diss them, or does that render our feminism null and void. Are trad wives feminist? Does feminism mean - you do you?

All this wrangling about whether being a SAHM is a 'feminist choice' or not. Who cares? If it's practical and what you want to do, you don't need to justify it as anything to anyone. As if being a feminist is as simple as 'having a job.' No idea why some people take the concept of a SAHM so personally. What can you do about it? Nothing. Women will do whatever they want. In some cases, this may be different to what their husbands want to do. That's fine.

If you really want to give up work, you should - I am not trying to argue you out of it. What I dislike is the "oh there's just no choice" angle. There absolutely is a choice there, if you make the decision to be a SAHM just own it as your decision

@Grumpyfroghats I’m not suggesting that, but the point is that DH is often working away. We do take it in turns when he’s here but he often isn’t. Refusing to visit clients wouldn’t go down well, clearly.

And I’m not saying there is no choice. I’m exercising that choice now, hence I’m employed! However, I’m conscious that choice equates to a lot of stress.

I agree with you, it would be better for him to parent his children. But some men just... won't. It puts the woman between a rock and a hard place. You're trying to do too much with no help. How do you make enough hours in the day? You can't control what your husband does, you can only control what you do. The only thing I would say is if a man is so selfish he'd rather see his wife financially powerless than that he give up any of his own free time, then the wife needs to work even MORE, for her own wellbeing (aka financial security). But the reality is that lots of men don't see it that way at the time when the decision is made for the wife to give up work. Men don't admit to being selfish and disempowering their wife; they don't admit that refusing to do daycare pickups and dropoffs, or sick days with the kids, is putting an unsustainable burden on their wife's ability to hold down a job. They just see it as "unfortunate". They claim if she quits work, it will just be so much better for the family as a whole. They claim her work at home is just as valuable as his work at the office. They claim they are going to share all their income with her. And they do. Right up until they fall in love with someone at work and want to move on, and then suddenly they retcon the last 10 years of marriage and it's all about how their wife only quit because she was lazy and couldn't be bothered.

Women in this situation are making the best of a bad lot. There's no easy answer. Overall I would say it's safer to keep working, even if it's part time. But the margin between the two options can be very thin.

Why should she 'own' being a SAHM any more than anybody 'owns' going to work? Anything is a choice. Why does it even matter?

Make the point about financial security etc if you feel the need to. I'm sure the OP is best placed to assess this for herself. But beyond that, it's nobody's business.

Get a nanny for a year while they're in different places. A very good one with excellent references. Ours made us dinner almost every night, and left the house tidier than she found it, most days. It meant I could leave the house as breezily as my husband did. She was also willing to have the kids when they were sick .It was brilliant.

Not everybody wants to involve a nanny in their family dynamic.

But most senior people have a fair amount of control over their diary. I have a PA and tell her when I am unavailable for meetings - all of his clients will know they aren't his only client, they won't expect to always get their time slot of choice

And not everyone has the same job! DH doesn’t have a PA.

Of course not everyone has the same job but I find it unlikely that he has absolutely no control over his diary/schedule if he is very senior.

Has he actually tried anything like a flexible working request to always WFH on a set day of the week so he could do the pick ups/drop offs? You don't know till you try with these, but most men don't bother

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but have you discussed your DH getting a different job that has less travel? Working women do this all the time when kids arrive to facilitate family life so it should be possible for your DH. Even if he had to take a down/side ways step on career or pay, this is better than you dropping out of the workforce completely - at least worth a serious discussion with your DH.

On a societal level I care because it perpetuates inequality and sexism and also makes it more difficult for women in the work place.

OP, there are loads of positives in being a SAHM. I need hardly spell these out to you. Do you have a reasonable amount of assets as a family? What would the situation be if you divorced? What is the financial plan in the short / medium term for your family and what is the best way of achieving this? As long as you feel confident about all this, go for it. You only live once.

well said

@Grumpyfroghats he does WFH on the same days unless he’s visiting clients. I mean, there is a certain amount of flexibility there but the main issue is that for last minute emergencies there can’t be as we wouldn’t know about it. Which isn’t very clear but if eg he is overseas for a week and then the children are unwell, we can’t really summon him back to do his ‘share’ of being off with the kids.

I was really thinking out loud this morning and this is largely hypothetical - it’s starting to feel a little barbed to be honest which is annoying when I haven’t even really considered not going back. However, I can also see a time when working is literally more stress than it is worth.