To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

No one expects anyone to magically feel anything about anyone.

People expect those who choose to become step parents to treat their step children with empathy and kindness. You inserted yourself into their lives, not the other way around.

If someone doesn't believe they have the strength of character to consistently AIM TO BE kind, welcoming, fair and empathetic they shouldn't become a step parent.

I wouldn't have had it in me, so would never have considered being a step parent and inserting myself into a child's life without them having any say in it.

They are here over every weekend because that is when their mum works. One week it's Thurs- Sun night and the other it's Fri- Mon. Sometimes she will book a weekend off to spend with them but 99% of the time they are with us at weekends. She's not a bad mum at all, it's just she works weekends.

Excellent post - spot on.

You knew that he had children when you married him. They are a package deal. If you and he split up, and you met a new man, would you be happy watching him treat your children as "less than" because they weren't his? They are his children, and he loves them just as much as your shared children, so this must be heart breaking for him to watch. Not to mention hoe the SC must be feeling. I'm guessing they feel like 2nd class citizens in their own home.

This.

also if you weren’t prepared to be around your SC you shouldn’t have got attached to a man with children already, it’s bad form

Of course they are your children. I think constantly calling them "my" all the time though shows an insight into your mindset.

But clearly you are one of those AIBUers who only want validation for their own actions so...

I hope this difficult period passes for you and you can find some peace.

I absolutely hate this attitude that stepchildren have to be treated the same as your own children when the children have two parents (note this point).

I was / am a stepchild and was always / am treated very well by my step mum, but her daughter is still her daughter!

Just because you accept your spouses children as part or the package, doesn't mean you have to accept them as your own children - they aren't!!

Going by this constantly pushed attitude surely it is more unfair on your actual DC -
I mean do they receive two lots of gifts from parents? Do they get double holidays? Of course not!!

Give over with this clap trap. No child ever is going to be damaged for life because their step parent didn't treat them exactly the same as their parent.

For clarity, if a step parent is treating a child badly that is a whole other scenario.

Sorry OP you are getting such a hard time here.

But clearly you are one of those AIBUers who only want validation for their own actions so...

I don't think that but I don't think that means I can never question a response. Posters have literally made things up on here, how I'm constantly doing this or that for example despite me saying repeatedly that it is not constant. I'm allowed to defend myself against made up replies that make it sound worse or are not what I've said.

A lot of us who think she’s wrong are stepmums. In my case for 24 years. We know it’s hard and it’s not about putting our stepchildren first, it’s about treating them equally.

Her loss was 5 weeks ago, 5 weeks where the hell is the kindness and compassion here. If she didn't say she was a stepmother she wouldn't be villianized like she has.

She is struggling. They are his children with his ex dp who by the sounds of it enjoys childfree weekends to do as she pleases. Ops expected to take the place of dm and arrange days out. Where did we set the bar so low that men are deemed uncapable to arrange a day out and parent his dc.

I have a 9 year old almost 10. You can explain in a child way why op is struggling at the moment and they can understand. She hasn't banished the kids from the home. She's taking some time now and again to have time to herself.

“You knew that he had children when you married him. They are a package deal.”

And he knew when he married her that she didn’t, and that his children aren’t hers.

When she married him she entered into a legal contract with him, not his children. She has zero responsibility for them, and is in no way obliged to act as a mother (assuming they even wanted/want her to!).

”If you and he split up, and you met a new man, would you be happy watching him treat your children as "less than" because they weren't his?”

Why wouldn’t she accept that if she had more children with a different father, that said father would love his biological children more, and have a different relationship with them?

@Museya15 that's the thing though as soon as some peoples own kids come along they just seem unable to see the step kids as part of them

No one expects anyone to magically feel anything about anyone.

Well her husband does, doesn't he. That's the point.

Of course he’s inclusive! They are All his kids!

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I don't think it's helpful to avoid your DSCs though, which is what it sounds like is happening, nor is it helpful to your healing to place so much dependency upon your children for comfort.

Your DSCs are part of your family, and a close part at that. They're your DH's children and your DC's half-siblings. At their ages, they will pick up that you're avoiding them and it will send them messages about their perceived worth in the family. No matter how much we're hurting, as parents/step-parents it's not fair to put that on a child.

If it's hard work to be sociable with them, you can keep things low-key. A family walk, or invite them through too if your DCs are joining you for a bit of screen time. Is there anything you find relaxing that they enjoy too?

I think it's fine to be doing different things with children at different ages and stages (a 10 year old and a 3 year old might have very different ideas of what's fun), but not to exclude some children altogether, which is what it sounds like is happening if you're taking yourself away when the DSCs are around, only having your DCs through for films in bed, only taking your DCs out for activities.

I wonder if it might help to get some time to yourself to recover from what you're going through, maybe some time off work or adjusting your hours a bit temporarily. That could give you some time during the week to heal, which could in turn give you some more energy to be more involved during the weekend.

YABVU and this is just another example of how blended families just don’t work.

You put yourself in this position, don’t punish the kids because of your own choices.

Good for you but in general MN hates stepmoms. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

It’s not that you need to find them “comforting”. It’s that you need to be kind and polite. Disappearing and taking YOUR children with you, or sitting in another room watching movies etc is rude and nasty.

They can and do work but you have to put the effort in.

OK, that's really not long at all. It really does sound like you're struggling.

I don't think you're going to get much out of arguing this thread because of course you are allowed to spend time alone or with just your bio kids (or even just your stepkids or any combination). But it's probably at the stage where it's going from your husband seeing you as in the first throes of shock and grief (and so you can basically do whatever to get through), to him maybe wondering whether this is how you plan to keep things for months or years to come, or forever. It's not really about your feelings for all the kids, it's about your behaviour towards them - and how that plays out if this carries on.

I think because you're suffering, you're not necessarily seeing things in that long-term way at all, you're just in distress and you know that cuddling up with your two small ones offers some temporary relief.

It's getting to the stage where I think you should probably seek some professional help because it sounds like you're shutting yourself off & relying on your kids for emotional support in a way that probably isn't healthy long term. It sounds like you're depressed, and I've been there and it's so hard to see what's happening when you're the one inside it. The fact that you have stepkids who may end up feeling rejected/hurt is a longer term concern. But I think you need support regardless of the family situation.

Don’t be so dramatic.
She’s allowed to take her kids out whenever she wants and she’s allowed to watch a movie on her own too!

Maybe the dad can go and take his kids out so they won’t feel left out.

I think op the dm needs to look at her working schedule she's barely seeing her dc as they are school and your dh and you are doing majority of the actual parenting here. They are having zero quality time with their dm. Do you have majority of the holidays aswell?

I don't blame you for having time with your dc when else can you do it. I sometimes take dd out and leave ds it's easier and dd enjoys it.. ds is under assessment and struggles when out does that make me a bad person no but if he was my step son all hell would break loss, the double standard is appalling.

My opinion is the other way around, children do come first, so long as the adult isn’t being horribly disadvantaged. And I don’t personally think that watching a movie with 4 children instead of 2 counts as horrible disadvantage.

Looking at the situation more broadly though OP, if this situation has only arisen in the last 5 weeks because of the bereavement, then give yourself a little time. The summer holidays are coming soon, hopefully you can take some time off to spend with your children and re-set.

The reason they’re even there at their father’s home is to spend time with him.

Ouch. Can you imagine saying that to their faces?

Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Why not ask DH to take the kids out (either just the step kids or all of them) and then you can stay at home.

Or you go out by yourself.

I think it unfair to take 1 child out and not the others unless they all get a turn at going out for 1-1 time.