To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

For example having a movie night in your bedroom room with your own DC whilst they’re there sounds awful for them, I’d have been really upset.

My children ask to come and get in my bed and watch a film sometimes, should I say no?

I don't spend every weekend all weekend doing this. As I've said multiple times. If occasionally he wanted to take DSC out somewhere himself hes welcome to.

Sure, but said advice is essentially asking a stepparent to be more responsible for the child/children’s well-being than their actual parent is.

But you have 50% of your time with just your kids to watch a movie in your bed

When? When I'm working all week and come home, have tea, bath and put them to bed?

I have essentially no weekends, which is the only down time we get together, to spend doing anything with just them.

You could say no, or you could extend the invitation to everyone and call them all up to join you, or you could get up and go downstairs and watch a film together in the living room.

Or, you could not go upstairs to watch films in bed when your step children are downstairs.

I notice you keep saying my children. Not our children OP. I think that is really telling.

Our children are still my children

The reality is that a blended family is not the same as a nuclear one, and no amount of forcing is going to make it fit that mould.

They are not her children. They are aware she is not their mother. Their family is not a nuclear one and will not operate in the way a nuclear one would. It isn’t a given that a child/stepparent relationship will be a parental one, despite the name (which is just that - a name). If it’s important for a parent that their children be considered the children of any new partner they may get, then it’s entirely on them to make sure they’re clear on that. Or stay single.

You’re completely missing the point. He’s inclusive, you’re not. Your stepchildren are only there 50% of the time. You have plenty of time with just your own kids. There’s no need to push your stepchildren out like this.

I think you are being unfairly hammered here OP.

They come over at the weekends to spend time with their Dad. Surely the responsibility is on him to entertain them or take them out. They are not your kids.

Of course you are going to have a closer relationship with your own kids.

Please get some counselling. It's clear to your DH us and will be clear to your DSC that you are putting up barriers around them.

How long is it since your loss?

You signed up for this and they didn’t and
now they have to come to a house every weekend where it’s obvious they’re not particularly wanted.
not only that but I don’t know how it can be good for your own DC to grow up being the special one out of their siblings, the one that is loved more and gets taken out without the other siblings for treats and days out.

also you’re saying you need space, but you don’t just need space, you don’t need space from your dc, or from dh, just the SC. I can see why he’s upset
it makes sense you don’t love them as much as your own DC, but you got with DP you signed up to a blended family. And that means not making it obvious to innocent children that you like them less.

Your H is BU, tell him to try spending solo time with his kids, instead of dictating to you. He should understand that you need a complete break from it all. At times like this you put yourself first, not have a houseful every weekend. The people who are giving you grief obviously don’t have SK.

YABU.

Again though, is there not a difference? Given they are all his children?

And when is all this time I have to spend with my children? They are here every weekend and every week day is spent working and doing the general mundane stuff of feeding, bathing and bed time. When is all this magical 50% of the time I get to do these things with my children occasionally?

Why? OP has her own needs she also needs to pay attention to as well. Children don’t in fact always come first, especially when they’re hardly being horribly disadvantaged.

If their father is concerned then he’s perfectly capable of putting on a movie and watching it with them.

It happened 5 weeks ago.

Where's the dm in this she's having zero down time with her dc because she sends them to their df all the time. Surely weekends are there so you can spend time with your dc without school and work. Yet she expects op and her dp to do the full weekends where she is childfree. Ds goes one day of the weekend at his dads and the other with me. We both get a day at the weekend it's how it should be.

When did weekends become 50%.

You Must know what you're getting into when one partner has kids from another relationship. It's 50/50 parenting, they're not just going to disappear. You want him to spend time with SC but what about the ones he has with OP.

They’re all his children. They’re not all hers.

The reason they’re even there at their father’s home is to spend time with him.

It's not unreasonable to explain that you feel overwhelmed and need some time and space, but I'm really not surprised your husband is upset by what you said either.