To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

The last two comments from @arethereanyleftatall and @riotlady have hit the nail on the head imo. Both comments are extremely true

Crikey because:

• It is possible to have a rewarding time with people other than your own children.

• Refusing to spend time nurturing a relationship with a child who is a part of your family and shares your home 50% of the time because you as the adult find it ‘emotionally unrewarding’ is pretty bleak.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know it's very hard to do things when you are grieving so I totally get what you say about not having the head space to be more fair to your sc.

I am not in a blended family situation so take what I'm going to say with a pinch of salt: when your partner has the kids 50% of their time then your home is basically their home and you are family to them. They do need to feel welcome and wanted by everyone in their family and their home and they won't feel that if there is a stark difference in how you treat them and your own dc. I see this as similar as having to juggle to make time for all your own children. Just having meals together and basically sharing space in the same house might not be enough especially if they are young kids

Like others have said unfortunately what the kids feel does take precedence over what you feel. I think you can try to justify spending a bit more time with your own dc if your own dc is also affected by this loss (but I assume not your sc) but do try and make some time to do something special with your sc as well.

Rather than telling your dh that they don't comfort you why don't you ask him to facilitate some special time with them, like a day out or a treat. He can organise it and join you as well. You don't have to exclude your own dc especially if they are very young but do tell you sc that it's because you want to spend special time with them as well.

I'm confused the OP alludes to one child sometimes, then they (plural) I'm not sure how many children there are altogether . Also are there significant age ranges. Are they all boys or girls or a mixture.

I can't advise but am sorry other things have happened to flatten her batteries

She has come on to AIBU to ask if she's being unreasonable. She didn't come on for a 'chat'

She's obviously going through something very painful but she's handling it in a way that may cause issues in her relationships and that's the query and that's what's been answered

I must have missed the 'attacking' replies. All I see are honest opinions. She is asking if what she said to her DH was unreasonable and lots think it was.

If he said to me I really want to spend the day with just our children then I'd accept that and just stay at home with DSC. They are obviously older than my own and can watch films/play games or whatever. If it was something DH felt he needed then I would suck it up. Although I'm not sure why it would be totally fine for him to take just our shared children out but it's terrible for me to do considering they are all his children.

Absolutely they should @whumpthereitis , but it's not the dh who is posting for advice.

*Because then they could spend one-on-one time with their father while she improves her relationship with the other children.

Now might not be the time but it's not an unreasonable suggestion for the future*

No it's not a totally unreasonable suggestion, but it's obviously the opposite of what she needs right now. She needs to unwind, not do others a favour.

And spending one on one time isn't automatically going to improve their relationship. It may well be that their relationship is as good as it can be, she just needs space from someone else's kids. More time with them isn't going to help that.

Bereavement counselling for you

When you married your DH there was presumably some shared understanding of expectations around his children? This may have had you anywhere on the continuem from friendly but detached, to a second mum. All valid positions as long as they're mutually understood and consistent.
When these issues arise its either because there wasn't a shared understanding in the first place, or one of you has moved the goalposts.
There is little point anyone commenting on what they think your role and obligations should be, as every family is different. So really you need to go back to what was understood before you married into this family, and decide who has changed their expectations, because that's the person who is unreasonable.

A million percent this.

I get zero joy from my stepkids. Not everyone can l love someone else's kids and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting time to yourself. Your husband is being ridiculous.

I think your 'withdrawal' and seperation with your biological children is becoming pointed now and thats why its becoming an issue. If it happened a couple of times it wouldnt be noticed, and your husband would use the time as one on one time with his....but if its now happening all the time, its becoming the new normal, and that starts to be very obvious and hurtful.
Im sorry youve been through something thats obviously upset you terribly, but you cant act out that trauma in the home or in any of these childrens lives - thats what therapy is for.

It’s the whole her kids/his kids thing that is sad, tbh. Yes it’s natural to feel more strongly towards your own kids than stepchildren but when you get married and make the choice to start a blended family then you need to act like a family. Otherwise you end up with kids who have a mum in one house and a dad in the other, but a home in neither.

^^This from @riotlady

It applies here and hugely on another recent couple of threads. (even with adult kids if they don't have their 'own' home)

I think this is a balanced post. It's important that your DSC don't feel sidelined or left out by all of this, they are only children after all. They might seem a lot bigger and more grown up then your DC, but they still need to feel secure and wanted in both their homes and by all the adult caregivers in both homes.

It is possible to have a rewarding time with people other than your own children.

Possible, but not inevitable. I wouldn't find a day out with my DSS rewarding, I'd find it hard work.

Refusing to spend time nurturing a relationship with a child who is a part of your family and shares your home 50% of the time because you as the adult find it ‘emotionally unrewarding’ is pretty bleak.

The comment I was responding to specifically said it would benefit everybody. The implication being, including OP. Yes, she can obviously do things to benefit other people but a) the comment implied it would benefit her too, which is what I was questioning, and b) it's pretty tone deaf to expect that of her right now. She's the one struggling.

Yanbu. Reasoning aside, you are entitled to spend the day with just your own children if you want to.

I voted YANBU because it sounds like you've been through a huge trauma and you're doing what you can to get through the days at the moment.

Spending time on your own is completely fine, I also think spending time with just one or two of the kids rather than all four is completely fine. But consistently spending "1:2 time" with just your kids and never with his, is going to certainly send a message if it continues for a long time. How long is it since your loss? I think that matters. If we're talking days or a few weeks, things will probably go back to normal soon. If longer, I think you should probably seek some professional help because (even if you didn't have stepkids who may be feeling rejected/hurt) it sounds like you're shutting yourself off & relying on your kids for emotional support in a way that probably isn't healthy long term.

Whether it's wrong to love your own kids more than stepkids - I think it's probably very natural. If I had my own kids I'm sure I'd love them more than my nephews for example, doesn't mean I don't get joy from and love them too. But this isn't really about how you feel about your kids and stepkids, it's about making sure that this temporary crisis doesn't become a set state of affairs that creates difficulties in the family long term. I know it's not the same scenario but if your husband decided he found spending time with his two elder children more "comforting" and consistently bimbled off out with them or hung out in the bedroom watching movies with them alone, you can see how that's not a pattern you'd want to keep up for a long time for the good of everyone in the family.

i am sorry for your loss OP . As a step mum and mum though I’m afraid I have voted that you have been unreasonable. Your feelings are completely understandable but it is not fair to such young children that you act on them . If you need external support to process your grief whilst still functioning in your role in this family then you need to seek it .

No, not terrible when you do it.

It's just you don't do both/all
And that applies to both of you

I don't see the problem, as long as you're not avoiding them for the entire visit, which it sounds like you aren't. It gives you DH chance to spend some quality one on one time with his children without always having you and your children around, which I would have thought is a positive for everyone.

Sorry, it sounds like you’ve had a horrible time but yes I think you are being U. You have time alone with your biological kids all week. Plus if your DH has noticed this then no doubt your own/ step kids have and this could have a lasting effect on the family.

Taking on a step parenting role is tough and even tougher when you’re not feeling resilient but you have to be the bigger person and try to work through this with your DH and step kids- they are part of your family too and you could be creating a harmful divide if they feel you don’t like them. Don’t underestimate how harmful it can be. The odd morning and day out separately is obviously fine but it sounds like it’s gone well beyond that. For example having a movie night in your bedroom room with your own DC whilst they’re there sounds awful for them, I’d have been really upset.

You shouldn’t be using your children as a comfort. Find something else that works. You’re isolating your SDC & they will notice & feel unwanted. You need to put the children first, not your own ‘comfort.’

The thing is though it is different for us though. DH, from what I can tell doesn't feel the need to spend solo time with just our children and leave DSC with me. If he was spending time with the children he'd spend it with all of them (or just DSC as he has been doing whilst I've occasionally gone out with ours) and I assume that this is because they are all his children and therefore he wants them to all be there. Is it not understandable, given they aren't all my children in the same way they are DHs, that we would feel a bit differently about these scenarios? I.e. I may feel I need solo time with my children but not his whereas he'd want all the children there?

It’s the whole her kids/his kids thing that is sad, tbh. Yes it’s natural to feel more strongly towards your own kids than stepchildren but when you get married and make the choice to start a blended family then you need to act like a family. Otherwise you end up with kids who have a mum in one house and a dad in the other, but a home in neither.

Absolutely. The kids are the ones who suffer here I'm really sorry you are struggling op but you wouldn't be able to turn your back on your own kids to grieve so why do it on your step kids who you only have to see half the time

I imagine a future thread might read....My husband spends every weekend doing stuff with his kids they don't want me around, I feel pushed out.