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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

350 replies

forfarhill · 21/06/2023 03:30

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 21/06/2023 08:39

Kick him out! He could have picked up anything. Omg why would you even want him back.
It's so depressing reading so many threads like this. Get some standards.

Mythicalcreatures · 21/06/2023 08:40

You want something that he can't deliver, the relationship you want with him is a fantasy, move on and let yourself have a happy, no drama future

Sapphire387 · 21/06/2023 08:42

OP, this is so sad.

A man who really loves you and values your relationship will not treat you this way.

All you have done is prioritise his needs over yours, time and again. If you stay with him, that will be your life. You will exhaust yourself for years and years until you finally crack and leave him.

You might as well save yourself further hassle and leave now. I know this will be hard for you to accept, but if he really wanted to fix things, he wouldn't be behaving like he is now.

He can't even take responsibility for cheating ffs, he thinks he has an excuse for it.

Mischance · 21/06/2023 08:43

Please stop examining yourself and finding yourself wanting. Please do not ask yourself if you are too "controlling." It is not you - this man is using you; this man is abusing you with his disrespect. I promise you that there is better out there.

Inside your messages is the background assumption that you are a couple - you are not.

Peachy2005 · 21/06/2023 08:44

Are you taking your child on your trip overseas?

If not, surely he should be prioritising taking care of her over the weddings of people he only met 9 months ago.

Whatever his past struggles with MH, he has been overindulged by everyone in his life because of it… he’s not going to suddenly magically change and grow up now.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 08:46

RedHelenB · 21/06/2023 06:25

You don't get to order a partner around. I think you need to rethink what a relationship should be like. And this guy is not for you.

I’ve never ordered anyone around. Do I like to be consulted? Sure. On every decision? Hell no.
But apparently I should just be cool with whatever he does, he can breeze in and out like a roommate and do whatever he likes.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 21/06/2023 08:47

forfarhill · 21/06/2023 03:43

Honestly some of this is on me, I’ve been perhaps too accommodating when it came to him pursuing his hobbies, passions and visiting friends and he’s just come to expect it. He’s honestly been away doing stuff more than he’s even been home since the baby. I was trying to prioritise his mental health and what he needed to keep that level but in the process I’ve neglected my own needs.

👌👌what an excellent example to give to your daughter. She's definitely going to grow up strong and self confident with you as a role model.

Timeforchangeithink · 21/06/2023 08:48

You sound more like his mum than his partner tbh. I'm sorry but he really doesn't seem that interested in you. Nothing to do with the hobbies or tattoos all of which would be fine with me but having sex with someone else - that would be the end for me.

ThisMama1 · 21/06/2023 08:48

I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago. I truly wanted the relationship to work & didn’t want to split my family up so tried my absolute best to keep it together. He treated me absolutely awfully but I didn’t realise just how bad until I’d fully gotten over him. The main thing that made me finally kick him out was that he was just like his dad & his mum spent 40 years trying to make the relationship work whilst he just took the piss out of her. I didn’t want my son to grow up to be like his dad & treat women the way he was treating me (& his grandma/grandad). At my sons granddads funeral me & my ex talked a lot & he apologised for how he treated me . He admitted that he knew he could get away with what he was doing & that is always stick by him so he just did whatever he wanted because he knew I’d never actually leave even though I said I would do many times. After me he went on to have children with two other women (& actually got someone pregnant whilst with me which I didn’t know about until years later). None of his relationships have ever lasted because he just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do & never changed. He’s now coming up to 50 & has moved in with yet another woman…

Mikimoto · 21/06/2023 08:48

WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Crayfishforyou · 21/06/2023 08:48

He won’t change.
If you work through your problems, and it will only be you doing the working, he will do this again in the future.
Save yourself the hassle.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 08:49

Aprilx · 21/06/2023 06:32

I honestly don’t think you can stop another adult from attending a wedding whilst you are on holiday. Even if you could, it isn’t going to fix this mess of a relationship, it really is the least of your problems. This man doesn’t give a shit about you, he has no respect for you or for the relationship and sooner or later he will be gone. You are just prolonging the pain of being in this relationship.

I’m not actually trying to stop him, he’s an adult and if he wants to go he will. I would like him to choose me as a priority just this once but I guess that is expecting a bit much.

I guess you’re right. I’m very tired and very disheartened.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 08:50

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2023 06:32

I’ve said yabu because you shouldn’t be in this relationship a moment longer. He is showing you contempt in every way possible. This man is a millstone around your neck. You have a child and are showing her this is how relationships work.

What would you say to her if she was engaged to a man like this? Please learn what true self respect is by spending the therapy money on you to discover how to set good boundaries.

Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that”. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Please don’t consider getting into another relationship until you realise you are an equal with equal rights. No one deserves constant special dispensation so that you can run the entire show.

You’d be a fool to marry this man. He’s taking you for a ride and pretending some of the cheating is on you.

I won’t be marrying him, that’s off the table for a very long time.

And frankly I don’t ever want another relationship, this one has done it for me.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 21/06/2023 08:51

It sounds already over to be honest. He lives as a single man that won’t change.
I’d prioritise getting you and child getting some stability set up away from him.

AuntieJune · 21/06/2023 08:52

This has got to be terrible for your self esteem. He's totally taking you for granted. We all fuck up sometimes, but he's gone massively off the rails and if he valued the relationship he'd be moving heaven and earth to make you feel loved and valued. Not pissing off to a wedding where you think he'll cheat on you.

Honestly, you're worth more than this and you should set an example to your DC to show how people in relationships consider each other. Right now you're being a doormat because you're afraid he'll leave. That erodes your confidence.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 08:52

CaptainMum · 21/06/2023 06:36

It's time to acknowledge you didn't choose a reliable family man. He simply doesn't want to settle down. He's not really interested in monogamy, doesn't like the responsibility of being a parent and isn't brave enough/have integrity to end the relationship. You chose a bit of a loser and are pursuing him for what he doesn't want to and possibly can never give you. By all means prolong the relationship with couple's therapy, but it seems a glaring waste of time and money.

I don’t think I can really be blamed for this, I discussed with him what he wanted and he told me he wanted this. A wife. A family. He’s excellent with his cousins. But as I guess he’s changed his mind and that’s that.

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 21/06/2023 08:52

forfarhill · 21/06/2023 08:13

He had extreme depression, he was hospitalised twice. It was really bad. We’ve worked very hard to get him healthy and a lot of that is his hobbies and not working full time, alongside the correct medications.

Show quote history

My DP has a history of depression and has been very ill with it, and will always be at risk of a relapse.
the approach he finds helps him (now he's not medicated - I assume your DP has used medication where needed?) is maintaining regular work (self esteem and routine), nourishing his body with good food and less alcohol, plenty of sleep and exercise. I'm not saying that works for everyone but his approach of regular nights out drinking and being as self indulgent as possible is not a good way to manage depression. It IS a way to get your partner to take on all the heavy lifting of a relationship because of fear of a relapse though...

loislovesstewie · 21/06/2023 08:52

Just tell him it's over. It's pointless trying to change him, and I think the unanimous verdict here is that he's not interested. Better to do it now than waste another second.

Susuwatariandkodama · 21/06/2023 08:56

Firstly it honestly sounds like you’d be better off walking away from the relationship, I personally couldn’t forgive infidelity and it sounds like he wants to be single, spending money without having to discuss it, making rash decisions etc.

In regards to the tattoo though, did he say he was wanting to get one before he did it? I don’t think you need to discuss tattoos with your partner other than saying what you want to get done, it really doesn’t need a full sit down conversation. I do understand your concerns health wise though and it was stupid of him to take such a big risk.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 08:57

NWQM · 21/06/2023 06:45

I would say give therapy a try. You will have to have some form of continued contact and the therapy can help as a minimum work out how you interact to co parent. It gives you the opportunity to try and explain how you feel and him to respond. In all honesty it doesn't sound like that will be enough to save the romantic partnership but it may start you on a better footing for the next stage of your relationship. It may help you move on in a more healthy state of mind for you.

The wedding is a tricky one. Have said to him the simple truth 'I want you to want to do this for me, because whether I am right or wrong I do not want you to go. You have hurt me and this would show me that you are willing to give and take in the relationship. It may seem stupid to you but you will get over not going to a wedding far easily then I can get over you sleeping so quickly with someone else. So please do not go if as you going will upset me on top of everything else. Go and I will see that as very bad sign for our relationship which is already in the verge of being over. Spend the time with our daughter. Show me that family time is and is going to be important."
He is seeing it as you have start trusting him. He needs to know that you are seeing it as he has to start showing his commitment and that he is listening to you.

I’ve already booked it so we’ll attended the sessions. I’ll be civil around coparenting but frankly if he chooses not to try I really can’t see myself having any time for him at all.

I have tried to phrase it like that, but much less articulate, I will use this as a framework to base what I say on.

Honestly I think I’m not going to worry about it, my emotional resilience is just gone and I just can’t muster up the effort to be bothered anymore. He’ll make his choice and I guess that’s that.

OP posts:
Eskarina1 · 21/06/2023 08:58

I'm so sorry if you read my comment as criticism. It was not intended that way. I think you deserve 1000 times better.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/06/2023 09:00

I’m not actually trying to stop him, he’s an adult and if he wants to go he will. I would like him to choose me as a priority just this once but I guess that is expecting a bit much.

But this is the entire point OP. He won’t choose you as a priority because you are not a priority. You never have been.

He may have told you he wanted a wife etc but he has never demonstrated this through his behaviour. You have made everything incredibly easy for him and he has taken the path of least resistance. Because blokes like this will take what’s offered. None of this has required any commitment or investment (financial or otherwise). You have done all the running and he has coasted.

Stop expecting him to be someone he is not.

Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 09:00

Oblahbla · 21/06/2023 07:00

He 'thought you were over' but he came home to you and the only reason he told you about his infidelity was because you noticed a change in his behaviour. So if he had managed not to look shifty you'd never have found out.

He's an irresponsible, immature pathetic excuse for a man/father and tbh you've been enabling his behaviour.

Who's looking after your child while you're away and he's off to his mates wedding? Is he palming her off on his parents while he's off partying with his mates?

Put yourself out of the misery and dump his arse - you'll never trust him again and you'll be resentful of him, the selfish behaviour, not treating you as an equal in your 'relationship', and being a sad, sorry excuse of a father.

Me sister will have my daughter while I am away, she’s a professional teacher. He can’t handle her at night so him having her wasn’t an option, although I did ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfarhill · 21/06/2023 09:02

EsmeSusanOgg · 21/06/2023 07:00

hug

I think the relationship is over. But this is not an unreasonable ultimatum.

It should be:

  1. No away trips/ weddings without you for the foreseeable future (so he needs to RSVP no)
  2. Couples' counselling, starting yesterday
  3. STD check (cheating and getting dodgy tattoos while abroad is not a smart health move)
  4. Less drinking with his buddies (certainly those who were with him when he cheated).

No arguments, no excuses. If he does not do that and commit to that - the relationship is over. And, as he is so feckless I suggest you go straight down the child support and court route to ensure your child is prioritised over his 'fun money'.

Thank you for this. You’ve basically outlined a clear plan, honestly I don’t think I want to be bothered asking him not to attend events, but if he’ll have to commit to keeping in contact and prioritising family time.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 21/06/2023 09:04

See, this is it, right here. His entitled attitude.

'He can't handle her at night'.

Why can't he handle her at night? And why does he get an option on that when you don't?

Won't even look after his own kid, so her aunt has to have her instead.

Manchild.