To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

So if he wanted to go out and get a face tattoo that’d be cool? Seriously?
If I went out and got my tongue split and a boob job should I not consult my partner?

I didn’t say he needs permission, I said he should discuss it with me. Like you don’t just book a weeks holiday and then tell your partner-you talk about it first. It’s not about permission or control, it’s just common courtesy.

and I don’t want to ban him from anything my god. I want him to consider my feelings and make this one gesture. Instead of go to a wedding of someone he barely knows.

I feel like according to these responses I should be okay with him getting a motorbike, BASE jumping, taking drugs, going wherever he likes with whomever he likes without telling me and if that’s the case why the hell would I draw the line at cheating? He’s got massive amounts of freedom, I hold down the fort for him constantly so he can go out and do his thing, apparently not enough. He doesn’t do the same for me.

I’m beginning to think I should just tell him we can open the relationship, since apparently I’m so controlling and why would him screwing other chicks bother me? Must just be insecure…..

OP, you've asked why he asked to have a baby with you and is doing counselling etc.

The reason is that you're his meal ticket.

Living with you means he gets to live rent free, work part time and have someone else do the heavy lifting of childcare and domestic chores.

He keeps you sweet by throwing you the occasional breadcrumb of a baby that you want, or couple's counselling (where he no doubt agrees to things that he later doesn't do).

End your relationship, and when his parents finally tire of him sponging off them, he'll have to step up to work full time, pay for his own accommodation, sell the bike to pay off his loans, have solo care of your child during his custody time etc.

Life without you looks shit for him (& yet he still doesn't actually want life with you, because if he did his behaviour would be different).

Honestly @forfarhill where’s your self respect? Do you come from an abusive family background?

I just can’t understand why you are tolerating this shit. He’s taking the ABSOLUTE PISS out of you, whilst you wring your hands and try to think of ways to keep him.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but stop thinking about what’s “wrong “ with him, and start focusing on what’s “wrong” with you that you haven’t told him to fuck off ages ago.

Thank you. I feel like you’ve really articulated my feelings, he should feel extremely lucky to have what he has. But he doesn’t and there’s nothing I can do to make him.

You are wasting your time. This is him at his best, if it’s good enough for you then carry on. Hard to accept but it’s the truth.

He had extreme depression, he was hospitalised twice. It was really bad. We’ve worked very hard to get him healthy and a lot of that is his hobbies and not working full time, alongside the correct medications.

@forfarhill

and I don’t want to ban him from anything my god. I want him to consider my feelings and make this one gesture. Instead of go to a wedding of someone he barely knows.

I think you're focusing on the wrong things. I don't think @gamerchick is saying that tattoo or the wedding or any of it is necessarily OK.

What people are saying is that you need to stop looking at relatively trivial stuff and focus on the bigger picture here, which is that your partner doesn't respect or love you.

You're trying to police his behaviour (which you can't do because it won't work) because you are trying to exert control. But stopping him going to this wedding won't magically make him respect you.

The bottom line is that he doesn't respect or love you and you need to accept this as opposed to worrying about the window dressing such as tattoos. Leave him. That's all you need to do.

Why did he ask you to do those things?

It isn't confusing, it's easy. You're financially secure and caring, so in a great place to raise a child. You are strong enough to do it on your own. You have no boundaries because you're a romantic.
It is easy to fathom why he chose you to have a child with. He gets a kid with absolutely no effort on his part.

Stop thinking any of his actions are out of love for you op. They're not.

He had extreme depression, he was hospitalised twice. It was really bad. We’ve worked very hard to get him healthy and a lot of that is his hobbies and not working full time, alongside the correct medications.

And stop making excuses. Depression isn't an automatic free pass to behave like an overgrown child. You say "we've" worked very hard. It's not your responsibility to pander to this.

Really if he just discussed things and showed he had his priorities straight we could’ve come to an agreement re the motorbike. Actually I had already offered a compromise involving an older bike he could ride around tracks locally but he wasn’t happy with that’s.

I’m not trying to control if he gets a tattoo but I do feel he should’ve discussed it with me. He’s incredibly superficial about looks and he has disliked things I’ve done so I no longer do them, I personally don’t like his tattoo but I can get over it-still he should’ve at least discussed it with me.

This "one gesture" would be completely meaningless. Even if he opted out of the wedding he'd do so with resentment and that would still be there continuing to poison the relationship.

From the other side "just one gesture" is the kind of thing that can lead to a very slippery slope of trying to monitor or control someone else.

You don't need to be dramatic about an open relationship. You should be thinking of dumping him completely instead.

Sorry op, this is my thinking too.

The relationship is a shit show and he doesn't sound at all committed. And the cheating would be a deal breaker for me.

But to 'ground' him whilst you are away is ridiculous and controlling.

He had extreme depression, he was hospitalised twice. It was really bad. We’ve worked very hard to get him healthy and a lot of that is his hobbies and not working full time, alongside the correct medications.

Mental illness and selfishness are not mutually exclusive. Speaking as someone who lives with a serious mental illness and found adjusting to being a parent really fucking hard, yes I need regular time to myself in order to stay well but I don't take the piss. I am still an involved and engaged parent, I still prioritise my DH and my children. I make sure that DH gets time for himself too and that we have time together as a family unit. I certainly don't use my psychiatric history as an excuse to spend large amounts of money on myself at the expense of my family, to go out drinking all the time or to sleep with other people. It sounds like there is a fine line here between working hard to keep him healthy and him getting to do whatever he wants.

I have very much started to prioritise myself and my daughter. I have started making plans for myself.

OP, how about some counselling just for you, forget couples therapy. It could be good to have space for you to work this through with an outsider.

Maybe I'm off the mark here but it feels like you need someone to give you permission to stop trying? You've done everything you can, you've asked for nothing unreasonable from him, the things he's doing wouldn't even cross the mind of a decent partner - it's okay to stop trying now. The relationship breakdown is his fault, not yours for not giving enough chances or freedom or whatever.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

Couples therapy won’t turn a selfish bastard into a committed partner. Cut your losses. He’s showing you what he thinks. Believe him.

@ChunPlum

Maybe I'm off the mark here but it feels like you need someone to give you permission to stop trying

This is spot on. You seem to think it’s your job to fix and facilitate everything in his life.

You need a mindset shift to get your head around the fact that none of this is your problem or your responsibility. Let him crack on with his stupid antics. Move away from him.

I don't think this relationship is worth saving. Too much drama and stress. Focus on moving forward with a peaceful life for you and your child.

(also, hello neighbour? Dw, I don't know anyone with a 14 month old irl)

It's already over OP, sorry.

Her lives the life of a young single guy. Before the cheating he spends a big chunk of his leave and spare time with friends instead of his ne baby. He doesnt want to spend time with his family. He sounds shit with money and doesn't consult you about big decisions including financial that affect you. He is lying to you about the reason you've cheated. He has even said that he is not sure he wants to be in this relationship.

It's not 'on you' for agreeing that he can do all this stuff. A decent partner and parent wouldnt even ask. I've never said 'no' to things my husband has asked to do, because he is decent person that realises he has responsibilities and prioritises his kids over living the life he did when he was single and 22. You need to focus on why you've been prioritising his mental health at the expense of you, your child, and your relationship

You can do much better OP. For your child as well as yourself. In my opinion going for couples therapy and giving ultimatums is delaying the inevitable. He clearly doesnt want to work things out or he would be using his anual leave to see his daughter not going on another holiday for the wedding of a relative stranger

I don't think asking him not to go to the wedding is helpful. I mean if he's going to cheat he could do it at the wedding yes, but he could also pick some woman up at the Red Lion or get off with Daves girlfriends mate whilst you're away.
It sounds like he's not up for family life. People and priorities change when you become a parent and hes finding this more difficult than you to adjust to.
I think you need to set boundaries and ultimatums so everyone is clear. Eg going forward, what do you think is reasonable re lone holidays/weekends away? What do you consider a large purchase? How much free time and spending money should each of you have? Eould he be prepared to take AL to lone parent whilst youre away? Don't wait until something comes up, establish some ground rules now. You might find that things you thought were obvious and didn't need discussing actually do. See if your vision of family life aligns, if not then the relationship is probably over.

And unless he’s 23 or something, then his mother needs to stop doing anything other than telling him to grow the fuck up.

I assume he’s more likely your age, 36?

My adult son back home under such circumstances - I’d be bloody furious, and would be expressing a lot of opinions on his shit parenting, poor morals, lavish spending while on part-time wages, and disrespect to a fiancée he’s supposed to love. Not making ‘adjustment’ excuses for him.

This.

He’s showing you over and over who he is and what he wants and what his priorities are. He may say he wants to be with you and be in your little family but his actions speak volumes.

You are going to be engaged in constant battle with this guy because if it’s not a motorbike, a holiday, a tattoo for a wedding it will be something else.

The writing is on the wall for this one, I’m afraid. You can’t control him or make him not do what you don’t want him to do. That’s not good for you or him. He sounds awful.

Ask yourself this- if he was genuinely remorseful about cheating on you, wouldn’t he be doing everything possible to rebuild your trust in him? He’s not. He’s putting himself in a position where you feel it is risky because you rightly don’t trust him and he’s happy to prioritise that.

I know it’s tough to accept the end of a long relationship especially with a baby involved but this one is done. You’re not his priority. That little family you want is something he doesn’t want. He wants freedom. Give him it and focus on your DC.

He sounds selfish! He’s cheated and would rather do hobbies and spend money he doesn’t have than spend time with his own family. He doesn’t sound much of a catch. He lies and cheats and you still think there is something here to save?

what does he bring to this relationship?

Also this couples therapy that he wants to do to save things...has he done anything to find a therapist? Has he organised any appointments? If not then honestly please start looking at his actions not words. If you haven't done so already then leave it up to him to sort and dont chase him. I think that will tell you how invested he is in saving things