Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

Tbh you shouldn’t have put up with a partner that acted like cunt.

I get loads of people find the word roffensive (I don’t) and there’s lots of people who would leave over being called a Cunt.

But my advice is that if you find yourself in a situation where you want to keep calling your partner an offensive name, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. It seems this one got to the point where it was just an awful relationship and its better one ended it.

Instead of looking at whose act was worse, or thinking he has a cheek ending it because you took far worse off him, it’s best to just accept it’s over.

My partner or any past partners would only have called me that word once and I'd have left. It's a really nasty thing to say let alone repeatedly.

He has a boundary. You crossed it. You can’t look at him in the same way again. He can’t look at you in the sane way again. Name calling is abuse. Would you call him that in a family home with children about? He just glimpsed the future and thought ‘nope’. Tough on your baby though. I hope you sort it out and that you both promise to change your behaviour for baby’s sake.

He had already ended the relationship, I would guess he was regretting the pregnancy. Being unsupportive when you have worries about your baby, being nasty, getting drunk as routine, getting arrested…

You using abusive language was just his excuse.

The advice to stop and question what is going on should you find yourself about to react like that is good advice.

I am sorry your partner turned out to be a …. ‘Bad partner’ shall we say, concentrate on yourself and your plans to be a great Mum.

OP, given his behaviour, why did you prefer to call him a cunt than end the relationship? If you had your way, you'd still be in the relationship.

a man needs to feel respected in order to feel valued/loved etc.

Women don't?

You don't get to blame your bad behavior on another person. His behavior is not her fault and her behavior is not his fault. We all choose how we behave.

He sounds like a cunt and I probably would have called him out on it too. Are people not realizing that she called him that in response to his shitty behaviour? Not just woke up and decided to verbally abuse for no reason.

This wasn’t a strong enough relationship to bring a baby into. The name calling might be the trigger for him but it’s not the cause. Sounds like you’re well shot of him anyway. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Can we use the same excuse for physical abuse?

Is this a joke? The man has been ignoring her while she is pregnant, getting drunk regularly and even got so drunk he was arrested... but you think he needs to feel respected? If he wants to be respected then his behaviour needs to be worthy of respect. OP is also worthy of respect but he hasn't been treating her with any.

Vom.

Vom.

Vom.

I think most of us can recognise the difference between calling a cunt a cunt and physical abuse.

The equivalent would probably be... my husband punched me, AIBU to defend myself and punch him back? Of course that would not be unreasonable.

I think exactly the same

He was being a cunt so you you told him he was. It’s a generic strong insult that is just a word. Yes you should’ve left before it got to this but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I think you’ll be much better off without him.

He seemingly was looking for an exit & this was the perfect storm he needed.

Look after yourself & your baby.

They will always pick at your own unreasonable, reactive behaviour and play the victim, because it suits their narrative with everyone else to tell them what an awful person you are.

They gloss over the fact their shitty, abusive behaviour pushed you to that point in the first place.

As for calling him a cunt, MN in general hates it, but imho, if it quacks like a duck and all that...

You're well rid. Don't blame yourself, and don't let him make you out to be the villain in this either.

Regardless of the language, I despise a man who walks out on his pregnant partner without attempting an civilised discussion.

It sounds like OP has tried to facilitate a civilised and calm discussion several times but to no avail. He has been rude, silent, drunk, distant and never apologised.

He was never going to the last the distance OP. He checked out ages ago. Try not to let others’ opinions affect you. He may go round saying you were rude. But you can give your defence. Do not take the blame entirely. And don’t go round telling everyone it’s just your fault. It isn’t. He is a selfish idiot who has walked out on his baby.

He’s had more than enough (to drink).

My husband called me that in anger once - and only once - early on in our relationship. Once I had calmed down enough I told him in no uncertain that was unacceptable and if he ever disrespected me so much as to insult me that way again then that would be the end. He has never flung that insult at me again.

You say you’ve been using it regularly when angry with your partner. I think that’s a sign of a pretty unhealthy relationship (though not an excuse to leave you in the lurch like he has). Did he ever tell you how much it upset him when you called him this?

He was abusive. This won’t have been the first time. She’d had enough.

Did you miss the part he was arrested for being drink and disorderly. Call him what he is and that is a cunt. Poor woman and what she put up with and you can't let go of a word she called him. He sounds like a prize why don't you have him if you feel he is the abused.

It’s a vile word and we never use it. But come on, if she had called him a dick, would everyone then be on her side?!

A word is just a word and I wouldn't put too much on what the word is, the action and intention is what matters. You used a word knowing it got under his skin. Meanwhile he is doing something he knows was distressing you.

He is drinking and you are aiming to insult him. The relationship sounds like it had issues that the baby has brought to a head as others have said and neither of you have addressed this before it boiled over into the current situation for any number of reasons.

Whilst you do contol your actions, I feel like a lot of people are jumping on the fact you name called and ignoring what he has been doing in the lead up. You both need to either clear the air or walk away for the benefit of your baby.

You don’t like him, he doesn’t like you and you really don’t need this while pregnant. You’ve both behaved badly. Just separate and build a nice environment for the child.